"I Wouldn't Want To Be Any Thinner"

Last night something really, really strange happened. After finishing my night snack, brushing my teeth, and putting my pj's on, I looked in the mirror and thought... brace yourself... 

"I wouldn't want to be any thinner." 

What?!

I immediately picked up my phone and bragged to my best friend. That was a huge moment for me. Even if I don't feel that way today or again anytime soon, I think it's a good idea for me recognize the importance of that moment. If I can think it once, then there is a good chance I can feel that way again in the future. 

Being content with my current weight is not something I have ever been able to do. Like ever. I remember thinking last night about how sick I must have looked xx pounds ago. It's hard for me to even picture myself that way anymore. In my opinion, having a positive body image (even if only for one night) means some of those self-destructive thoughts have been changed into happy, healthy self thoughts. I honestly didn't know if this would ever happen.

This post is short and sweet, but just as important as any other post. I am marking this "I wouldn't want to be any thinner" day down on my calender!

Progress.

Why Media & Body Image Aren't to Blame

 Last week in one of my classes we had a discussion on how the media affects body image and the rise of eating disorders in adolescents. It's not shocking that immediately after learning that was the week's discussion topic I went on a bit of a rant.

Sure, I can understand that the media has had a negative impact on the self esteem of young people in today's society and kids are often bullied based on their physical appearance alone; however, for many of us with eating disorders the media is not to blame. An incredibly bright email recovery buddy of mine, whom I have quoted several times before, said this to me last night and it fits perfectly with this post: 
 
"...It's funny, when people think of triggers for people with eating disorders they often think of glossy magazines or models on catwalks. But, like you, loneliness is one of my biggest triggers. 

Because ultimately, eating disorders are a coping mechanism for dealing with life. 

People with eating disorders aren't "crazy" or shallow. 

They are just people who are struggling."

 One of the questions my teacher asked the class was, "How can we improve body image in adolescents in order to treat eating disorders," which is where my rant began. Let me first say that I have come a long way in understanding that the general population does not understand eating disorders and that's okay. BUT I can't help but get a little irritated when people assume improving body image will magically cure eating disorders.

Loneliness, for example, isn't something I talk about often, but is one of my biggest triggers. My loneliness isn't necessarily caused by a lack of people in my life, but is more a void deep within me that I can't seem to figure out how to fill. When I begin having thoughts of inadequacy, I am also triggered and have to fight off urges to have symptoms. Loneliness and inadequacy often feel out of my control, which makes me crave the controlling aspect of the eating disorder. I still have a difficult time coping with those uncomfortable emotions, making the numbing aspect of ED symptoms appealing.

Gaining a significant amount of weight during recovery was not easy and yes, I do have body image issues but what normal person wouldn't after gaining that much weight? For me gaining weight was frightening because I was being forced to let go of the safe and comfortable environment my eating disorder had provided. I needed help building a new comfort zone with healthier coping mechanisms, not a body image cure.

If body image improvement is the only component of treatment needed to recover, then the recovery process wouldn't be so complex. Without taking each individual's underlying issues into consideration, there is no way to effectively treat this disease. If I didn't deal with loneliness, thoughts of inadequacy, perfectionism, or anxiety on a daily basis, would I have developed an eating disorder? It is impossible to say for sure, but I'm going to say my chances would have been much lower.

Please do not assume that I am in favor of the tactics used by today's media. In fact, I think the unattainable beauty standards set by the media are quite appalling. Even my non eating disordered friends struggle with these impossible standards. This is a problem our entire society faces, not just eating disorder patients.

Seeing pictures of unhealthy looking runway models isn't helpful, but it doesn't send me into a downward spiral either. Poor body image is one component of eating disorders, but it is not the cause. In my humble opinion, if eating disorders are to be successfully treated we need to dig much deeper than the issue of media and body image. 

Rant over.

Progress.

Addiction

Yesterday I received an email that pretty much changed my entire outlook on life, recovery, and most importantly addictions. The email opened with this statement:

 
"I have come to believe that no one passes through our society unscathed, and virtually everyone has (extremely few can honestly say "had") their addictions-which they commonly pass off as just "habits", or if they're really brave (read that with compassionate sarcasm) they might admit that they have a few "bad habits". We mistakenly tend to reserve the word "addiction" to stigmatize those who turn and run to substances instead of turning and running to the TV, dependent romantic relationships, shopping, sex, work, cleaning, exercise, food, facebook... you name it. 

  But I think we're all somewhere on the same spectrum, and we just differ in 

 (1) the specific coping/escaping mechanisms we happened to choose; 

(2) in our levels and thresholds of suffering/guilt/stress/anxiety/boredom; and 

(3) in our levels of honesty and openness (with ourselves and others) about growing up as a human being in very lost cultures (and for many growing up in very broken families and communities)." 

A few weeks ago when I guest spoke at my old treatment center one of the patients asked if I considered myself an alcoholic. Although I often speak of my alcohol abuse, I still could not answer yes to this question out of shame or fear, maybe both. When the Libero Network editor asked me to join their team, she gave me the title of "Eating Disorder and Addiction Writer," but I still could not admit to myself that I was an addict. 

Addiction has become this awful, shameful thing in today's society; like the quote says above, "we mistakenly tend to reserve the word "addiction" to stigmatize those who turn and run to substances." There was no way I was going to allow myself to fall victim to that stereotype. I was never a drunk living on the streets or drinking out of a brown paper bag, so I must not really be an alcoholic - or at least that's what I told myself.  

The second part of the quote talks about the different levels of the addiction spectrum. I had never thought of addictions in this manor, but it makes perfect sense. Over the course of my life my addictions have changed - from different eating disordered behaviors to dependent relationships to drinking - but they have all served the same purpose. Depending on what negative emotion I was feeling, my addiction of choice would be there to help me avoid or numb out the pain. Only by facing my fears and anxieties through recovery, I have finally begun to tear down some of those walls. 

So maybe I am an addict, but that does not mean those addictions need to run my life anymore. 
Maybe I am an alcoholic, but I am also 381 days sober. 

We live in a society that teaches us to be ashamed of our mistakes and puts us down for our faults, but honestly, I'm getting pretty sick of it. I'm sick of the stigma. The stigma keeps many of us stuck in our illnesses and addictions. 

Receiving this email has been a turning point in my recovery. I can finally admit to myself that, "I am an alcoholic," and not feel like the most horrible person on earth. This person also shared some of their own personal addictions with me in this email and expressed their own embarrassment regarding these issues, but I do not think there is anything for this individual to be embarrassed about. At all.
 

Maybe I don't need to feel embarrassed about my addictions either.

Progress.

Thinking Errors

In my fist class yesterday, I found out my English teacher wants to keep my final research paper for an example to use for future classes. As I walked to my next class, I felt like I was on top of the world and couldn't stop smiling at random people (who probably thought I was crazy). The sun was shining and life was good.

In my second class, however, I had a lab exam that I had spent hours studying for, but ended up getting a not-so-good grade. Before I even turned the exam in, I knew it was not my best work and the self critical thoughts immediately out numbered my "I feel smart" thoughts from the class before. As I got in my car to drive home, the need for my afternoon nap hit me pretty hard. I immediately crawled into my bed when I got home and let myself drown in the negatives.

The most frustrating thing is, I knew exactly what I was doing. In that moment, I was allowing a thinking error to dictate my mood. After years of therapy, I am finally realizing when I am engaging in a few of the most common thinking errors.

Thinking errors, also known as cognitive distortions, are extremely common in people who suffer from anxiety or depression; which are typically underlying issues for an eating disorder. By engaging in thinking errors, I am allowing myself to believe something that isn't even true. Once I start going along with these thinking errors, I begin that downward mental spiral that I always refer to in my posts. 

Sadly, after many years of engaging in thinking errors, I have become very good at believing they are true. The first step in changing this problem is to recognize them when they happen; so I made a list (from an old worksheet I was given in treatment) of some of the most common thinking errors:

Mental Filter:

Mental filtering is when we focus exclusively on the most negative and upsetting features of a situation, filtering out all of the more positive aspects. For example, my day yesterday; I received a huge compliment on my research paper, but completely forgot about it after bombing my lab exam.

"All-or-nothing" Thinking:

“All or nothing” thinking is when we see things purely in “black-or-white”. These types of thoughts are characterized by terms such as “always”, “never” or “every”. Everything is seen as “good or bad”, “successes or failures” and it is generally the negative perspective that is more readily endorsed, ignoring the shades of gray that lie in between. An example of this, would be me feeling guilty for not getting 100% on a test and thinking of myself as a failure (which also happened yesterday).

Overgeneralization:

Someone thinking in an over generalizing way will often see a single unpleasant incident or event as evidence of “everything being negative”. If something bad happens then it will be seen as part of a never-ending pattern of negativity and defeat. A bad job interview or a bad date, for example, might lead someone to believe they will never get a job or fall in love. 

Jumping to Conclusions:

An individual who ‘jumps to conclusions’ will often make a negative interpretation or prediction even though there is no evidence to support their conclusion. This type of thinking is often made when thinking about how others feel towards us and is often divided into two categories: 

        -Mind Reading: Assuming the thoughts and intentions of others.

       - Fortune-telling: Anticipating the worse and taking that as fact.

Magnifying/Minimizing:

Thinking in a magnifying or minimizing manner is when we exaggerate the importance of negative events and minimize or down-play the importance of positive events. In depressed individuals, it is often the positive characteristics of other people that are exaggerated and negatives understated.

Personalization: 

A person engaging in personalization will automatically assume responsibility and blame for the cause of negative events that are not under their control.  

"Shoulds" & "Oughts" 

Individuals thinking in “shoulds”, ‘oughts” or “musts” have an ironclad view of how they and others ‘should’ and ‘ought’ to be. These rigid views or rules can generate feels of anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment and guilt if not followed.

Emotional Reasoning:
Emotional reasoning is when we assume feelings reflect fact regardless of the evidence– “I feel it, therefore it must be true”. “If I feel ugly and stupid, then I must actually be ugly and stupid” or “I feel guilty, therefore I must have done something bad and be a bad person”.

By taking the time to recognize these thinking errors, I am also giving myself an opportunity to change the way I react to them. In yesterday's situation, I could have reminded myself of the nearly perfect grade I received on my English paper and focused on that instead. Our brains are extremely powerful tools, but it's also important to remember that not everything we believe is true.

Next time something like this happens, I will do my best to recognize my thinking errors and move on with my day. Sounds simple enough, right?

Progress.