Last year at this time I was getting ready to leave treatment. During this transitional period, my weeks confined in the security of the treatment walls became shorter and my weekends at home adjusting and facing the triggers in a new environment got longer. On the morning my parents dropped me off at treatment, I threw my most impressive temper tantrum ever. There was no way they were going to make me stay there. As my stay came to an end, on the other hand, my attitude changed completely. I was ready to move in and stay forever.
Treatment became my first recovery security blanket. It was comforting to be around people who understood me and would keep me on track in my recovery. No matter how long I put off going home, I knew I would never be 100% ready to leave. Moving back home meant I would be forced to remove that security blanket and leave a small part of my recovery behind; only to expose myself to the big, scary world that caused my eating disorder.
As many of you know, I spent most of my summer complaining I felt stuck in my current life circumstances. Now that I have been given a challenge and an opportunity to grow in my new school environment, however, I am craving the old security blanket that kept me stuck, and also safe.
Summer has officially come to an end. It's time for a new chapter to unfold. As
this security blanket is removed, a small part of me will be left
behind and a new, improved version of myself will be given the opportunity to flourish.
I think as I continue through the recovery process there will be several security blankets that need to be removed and left behind. Unfortunately, in order to move on from this particular security blanket, I will be forced to face many of my past triggers and learn to implement healthy coping mechanisms. I am also starting to understand why recovery feels impossible for so many of us; the first few days without my security blanket feel too overwhelming to deal with.
Rather than sitting through the anxiety involved with facing these new challenges, I would much rather revert back to old eating disordered behaviors and completely avoid any form of change. In the short term, clinging onto my previous security blanket feels like the right thing to do. In the long run, however, it will only hinder and stall my recovery.
Without this security blanket, as I have already learned, I will slip and fall - but maybe that's okay. Maybe the process of leaving a security blanket behind isn't supposed to be smooth or perfect. Maybe the only way to move forward is to be tested.
With a new week upon us, I feel ready to leave this security blanket behind and hopefully uncover a new set of strengths within myself.
Progress.
I did a whole post on my security blankets because I know I still have a few that I cling to. it is always good to go back and reevaluate where you stand on them so that I can slowly keep breaking more and more down
ReplyDeleteI'll have to go through your blog and see if I can find it. I'd love to read it.
DeleteI love this. I was the same exact way when I was first being dropped off and as much as I hated having to be there those first several weeks, no I mean months, lol, I found that I had grown very comfortable with the routine and very secure in knowing everyone there understood me and the disorder. I dreaded leaving the security of treatment and going back to face my husband, job, and the real world. I know I still hold onto several security blankets but I survived last year once I left and little by little I'm able to remove more. I'm so impressed with all you have accomplished Kelsi. I'm so glad I had the privilege to meet you and see all these amazing changes in you. Keep up the good work and the blogs. I love reading them :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Hilary! I always get so excited when I hear from you. Yes, little by little, day by day, we continue to let go of the things holding us back. I'm happy to hear you have are fighting the good fight. Miss you! <3
DeleteI think these security blankets are important to recognize and to shed gently. For me, I like to acknowledge that at one point in my life, they served a purpose, and yet I have grown and changed beyond what they can give me.
ReplyDeleteThis is particularly hard when the changes and challenges involve the "unknown" - sometimes what is familiar feels falsely safer just b/c it is familiar and it can take some soul searching to be sure we notice that!
Absolutely. Those "unknowns" are not always easily found. And why would we want to change something that has kept us safe? I guess that's the difference between staying stuck and making progress.
DeleteI love this post. I can so relate to myself for my current situation in life too. I think that my security blanket was honestly my financial situation. My parents were well, and I had the same job for 10 years. When I lost one of my parents and the job within a year, I needed a structure. I created one that I felt that I could handle, when that needed to change, I didn't want to leave. I am learning that life keeps happening and the future is never predictable. Whether I like it or not, I need to choose if I want to go through life with recovery or with the disease. Since I am hopeless case of perfectionist, the only way that I can do is to believe and say to myself this - "just do. I don't need to do perfectly, but just doing is enough." Recovery fellows are extremely important for me to do this process. I am so glad to have you! You are totally an admiration! <3
ReplyDeleteLife does keep happening, doesn't it? There's no way to avoid change, well there is, but it's destructive. Recovery, healthy coping mechanisms, and LIFE vs. the disease is not always the easiest decision to make. But we know what is right and can continue to keep chuggin' along. <3
DeleteHey Kels,
ReplyDeleteAwesome post, as always! I was wondering if you have ever done a post on childhood trauma of all kinds and the association with Eating Disorders? Over the years, I have learned that so many things accumulate into an ED, and none is the same for everyone. This is a close-to-home subject for me, and I was wondering if you have any information on it.
Thanks!
Sarah
Thanks Sarah!
DeleteI haven't ever done anything on childhood trauma and EDs. I've read a few things here and there, but am interested myself. I will see what I can find on the topic and try to come up with something. If you ever want to share parts of your story for a post let me know (and if not that's perfectly okay, too!).
Kelsi,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog by complete accident. I am also recovering from an Eating Disorder. I read your whole blog today--instead of studying! You are such an inspiration! Keep up the good work and keep fighting the good fight! Things do get easier--I have been out of Residential treatment for 4 years.
Hey Marybeth! Thanks so much for reading. Don't worry, I write instead of studying all the time haha. Congrats on being out of residential for 4 years. That's a huge accomplishment! I'm happy to have you along this journey with me. :)
DeleteThis is so perfect <3 I also feel overwhelmed by school and the people right now. I relapse into old habits and i fight urges to relapse completely every day. Beeing at home in the holidays may felt safe but also stuck. So now i am just scared and overwhelmed and triggered and i want my safe place back :/ i think the goal should be feeling safe and secure in one one body, mind and soul so that whatever the circumstances or possible triggers and people are you know what your place is and woh you are and that you are independent so that no one will be able to pull you down/ back in the hole of the ED and depression.
ReplyDeleteDid you ever treid meditating ? i tried some guided meditations recently and during and after them i feel so calm and safe as i never do. sad i can´t make this feeling last when i have to face challenges yet.
I have tried meditating a few times, but struggled with it because I can't seem to stop my mind from wondering. But I've never really given it much of a chance either. I usually give up after trying it once or twice ha. So maybe I should give it another try and make a serious effort to be in the present moment. Thanks for the tip!
Deletei don´t know if i could be meditating without any gidance because i also struggle with worries and thoughts coming up but there are guided meditations for basically everything on youtube like depression, confidence or motivation for change in ones life. Chrakra healing is also great. or sleep hypnosis/meditation that you can listen to while falling asleep so our unconscious mind gets the calming messages withour you having anything to do. sometimes i end up crying during a meditatipn but not out of sadness, more because it releases all trapped emotions and you can let go of them insted of numbing them out trough bad coping mechanisms. just wanted to explain a little more why i think its so helpful for recovery sorry for wrinting so much :D wish you luck with it :)
DeleteOh no problem - thanks for explaining! I always appreciate it. <3
Delete