One of my biggest fears is re-entering the working world sober. I just got a call for my first interview since beginning my sobriety journey; and instantly, my brain began scheming ways to get my hands on some booze ASAP.
Working and alcohol became enmeshed ten years ago when I graduated from culinary school and began working at a winery in Northern Michigan. My internship took me to Aspen, Colorado and The Food and Wine Classic. Everyone thought I was living the dream, but in reality, I was learning to pair champagne with breakfast.
During those years, I quickly learned how much (fake) prestige and power and connectedness the wine world holds. I thought becoming a sommelier was THE dream occupation. I started a wine journal and recorded the (fake) smooth, oaky tasting notes in a ten dollar bottle of Cabernet.
My family was so proud of me. As daily drinkers themselves, they were eager to visit and bring home a discounted case of wine. My cousin even honeymooned at my work and raved about the experience for years.
Now, when I look back at that time, all I see is pain. Photos circa 2011 reveal an emaciated, drunken Kelsi desperately searching for acceptance. It’s not surprising that my first (super drunk) DUI happened on my way home from work at the winery.
Job interviews transport me back to that girl who believed alcohol provided a sense of belonging. While sitting in this intense fear, I am struggling to develop an affirmation that feels genuine. Luckily, a recent Tempest lesson with Brandon introduced the idea of “if-firmatiations.”
What if I show up sober?
What if I embrace change?
What if I meet some incredible people?
What if they like me?
What if I thrive?
By focusing on exciting What If’s, rather than my past “failures,” I create space to imagine a new future and release some of that fear. My past with work and alcohol is messy and triggering. That’s okay. What if I show up sober today?
I welcome the What If’s.
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