For the past several months I have been experiencing vivid flashbacks. The type of flashbacks that remind me of the terrible, relationship-ending things I did while drinking. When these flashes happen, I lose grip of my surroundings. I get stuck in a quicksand of self-berating thoughts. For about five minutes, until I am able to regroup, I am short-tempered, sweaty, emotional, and unable to focus on the present moment.
Everyone knows that drugs make people do things they wouldn’t otherwise do. Ambitions and cognitive functioning are lowered. Anger and suppressed emotions are heightened. Chaos ensues. It makes sense that after a ten year span of alcohol addiction, I experienced and caused several traumatic events.
I imagine flashbacks are a common occurrence for most people in sobriety. It’s almost like addiction causes its own unique type of PTSD. Losing relationships, being labeled an alcoholic, and being criminalized for my pain are all deeply traumatic experiences. The problem is, all of this is considered normal. No one teaches newly sober folks about the magical powers of practicing compassionate curiosity while healing from trauma. Instead, I am expected to somehow manage PTSD symptoms below the surface after being told I am powerless and filled with shameful character defects.
In a TedTalk called Understanding PTSD's Effects on Brain, Body, and Emotions, Janet Seahorn describes PTSD symptoms, like my flashbacks, as a hidden wound, a silent scream. Seahorn doesn’t believe PTSD is a disorder, but rather a reordering of neural and sensory pathways. Parts of the brain - the prefrontal cortex, hippocampus, and amygdala - actually change during traumatic events. The sensory system is overloaded and stress hormones are released causing the brain to reset neural pathways as a survival mechanism.
Seahorn says trauma can manifest in our lives as hypervigilance, nightmares, night sweats, panic attacks, insomnia, physical pain, and of course, flashbacks. All of this makes it extremely difficult to figure out how to soberly function in the real world.
When I choose to look at my flashbacks with a compassionately curious gaze, I can’t help but wonder these four things:
1. What if these flashbacks are actually a perfectly normal response to all that has happened in my life?
2. What if I stopped beating myself for responding this way?
3. What tools can I use to reroute this deeply engrained trauma groove in my brain?
4. What if compassionate curiosity is the birthplace of healing?
According to Seahorn, a few common ways to begin healing from trauma include: trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, meditation, yoga and tai chi, service dogs, harm reduction, and grounding practices. Books and documentaries can also help. It is impossible to have a conversation about addiction, trauma, and compassionate curiosity without Gabor Mate's book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and docuseries The Wisdom of Trauma. Oprah's empathetic approach to trauma in her recent book What Happened to You? is another great resource.
Additionally, in recent years, countless articles and studies* on the life-altering effects of psychopharmacological medicine have become impossible to ignore. One of my favorite writers and researchers of all time, Michael Pollen, recently released a book and a four part docuseries on Netflix called How to Change Your Mind. Although I personally have never tried psychedelics, this documentary has removed previous stigmas and judgments I held towards those who have. Pollen's work sparks compassionate curiosity. Contrastly, my shero Holly Whitaker summed up her therapist guided psilocybin experience on this podcast episode as, “Fucking terrible. I threw up twice.” Plant-based medicine might not be for everyone, but I do think it is worth exploring if other treatments fail.
In my opinion, mainstream institutions of recovery and incarceration don't work because they completely miss the mark on trauma-informed care. In fact, I believe the system itself causes trauma because my worst flashbacks involve handcuffs. Luckily I am learning this is not a me problem, it is a societal problem. There is nothing wrong with me or other addicts. The problem lies within the criminalization of pain and trauma.
Unresolved trauma is a heavy burden to carry. But when I look at my trauma through a compassionately curious lense, I can see my flashbacks are a normal biological response and nothing to be ashamed of. Best of all, as the shame lifts, the magical healing powers of compassionate curiosity begin.
I am compassionately curious.
***Here are a just a few psychopharmacological medicine articles and studies:
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