As I mentioned in a previous post, last week I helped out with an interview showcasing my old treatment center for a local news station. Last night the piece aired. After watching it a few times this morning, I'm having a difficult time putting into words exactly how I feel about it. Click the link below to view the video clip.
If I am being completely honest, I was quite excited to see my big television debut. As I watched it, however, I began wishing my TV appearance wasn't quite so depressing. It was not an easy thing to watch. For quite sometime now, I have been avoiding those old pictures and focusing on the endless health benefits involved in recovery instead. Maybe my internal optimist was expecting to see a more upbeat story rather than this four minute downer.
When an individual is consumed in their eating disorder, everyday life is completely distorted. During the time that most of those photos were taken I did not see how thin I actually was. In my twisted eating disorder mind, I really believed I needed to lose a few more pounds.
While being reminded of my past is rather painful at times, luckily I can see past that and focus on amount of progress I have made since then. Sometimes it's impossible to see small changes because I live with myself every single day. This past week I have felt trapped in my current situation, but after seeing this video those thoughts have vanished.
Recovery is a long, long journey and I could not be more thankful for my new found perspective thanks to this video. There might be times when I feel stuck in recovery, but that girl in the video did not even believe she had a future. Eating disorders are an ugly disease. The recovery process, on the other hand, although demanding and terrifying at times, is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me.
As I shed a few tears while viewing that video, I felt a little disappointed in myself for letting my eating disorder get as bad as it did. My exciting television premier might have been a bit of a downer, but more importantly, it reminded me of the how much can change if recovery is taken seriously. My past will always be a part of who I am whether I like it or not. Luckily, with the choices I make every single day, I can decide how my future will play out. Maybe my next TV appearance will be a little more uplifting. ;)
Progress.
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ReplyDeleteI deleted my previous response, because I was watching the video at work (hiding it) and didn't really pay an attention to it. I was excited to see that you were on TV though.
DeleteI think you did a fantastic job. I could see that it was hard for you to talk about it, and I can see how hard it would be to look at how you looked when you were suffering from Ed. You were always Kelsi, whether a real you were hidden or not. You are just discovering who you really are, and loving your past is very deep love, compassion.
I have done things that I would never want to think about in the past, but I see that for me, it might have been necessary to get here now. Nothing happens by mistake. They are all meant to be. I love you~ xoxo
Aw, thanks Kyoko. You didn't need to delete the first comment haha. I agree with you that nothing happens by mistake. Although not everyone believes that everything happens for a reason, I'm think it's very true. Someday it will all make sense. <3 xx
DeleteI bet your next appearance on TV will be a lot better :) #progress
ReplyDeleteI love the progress hashtag. I just might need to steal that :)
DeleteHi! I don't have an account on blogspot or anything but I read your blog religiously. We're the same age and have had similar experiences with anorexia etc so I always love to read your thoughts. But that TV video was amazing and trsgic at the same time - you made me cry!! I'm so pleased and proud of how well you're doing and hope you continue to be happy and healthy :-) Amy xx <3
ReplyDeleteHi Amy!
DeleteThanks so much for your kind words. It's always nice to have someone along my journey with me who truly understands the depths of any eating disorder. <3
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did great and your words are important. They really, really are Kelsi. Find hope in your journey, find courage to continue work for freedom.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a brave person. I know in my heart that your blog, and this TV appearance, helps people feel less alone. You show people that change is possible. That was what I thought when I saw and listened to you. A strong woman who has worked her way through darkness, fears and challenges. Who is now shining with life and passion. Yes, there are still challenges. After all, this is a process. You are not a failure for finding yourself in a difficult situation. We grow and progress through struggles, right? Take a deep breath and try to connect with your needs. What do you need to move forward? Honor these needs. Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time.
I believe in you, Kelsi. You are enough. You are beautiful. You are brave. So brave. <3
- Hedda
Hedda,
DeleteI just copied and pasted that and printed it off. I'm going to keep it with me for a very long time. Thank you SO much! Every time I talk to you, your words are filled with such strength and hope. You are such a kind-hearted soul and I am incredibly grateful to have you along this journey with me! xo <3
Hey chick, did u get my email? My Internet is busy so I have no wifi... It's killin me!!! Anyways, I'm on my iPhone, so I dunno if my message sent or not. I'm still here, just somewhat out of the modern technological loop. Boooo! Wish I cud watch th vid, but it won't load on my phone :( I will watch it when I'm back online hopefully next week xx
ReplyDeleteI did get your email! I just got my computer back last night, so I haven't gotten to it yet. We are both having technology issues this week. Thanks for letting me know! xx
Deletei am so blessed to know you Kelsi! the fact that you are so open like that in sharing your story is amazing. youve made so much progress and I hope to do the same <3
ReplyDeleteThanks Em! I am also blessed to have you along this journey with me. I think you already have made a ton of progress. :)
DeleteYou did great - very articulate! And very brave of you to share your story. :) I do wish they wouldn't play that awful music for pieces like this - because the ultimate message is one of hope that people can get better no matter how bad it gets.
ReplyDeleteHaha Lindsay, I could have done without the awful music too! ;)
Deletehi kelsi, there's not a lot i can say that hasn't already been said in these comments. but i want you to know that even though i don't know you, i share your struggle and am with you as you walk this path to recovery and being well. you are such a strong, articulate, brave and beautiful person, and i so appreciate all that you share. i feel similarly about looking back at old photographs of myself, but looking back is also necessary sometimes in order to keep moving forward!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Allie! It is so nice to have you on this journey with me. <3 xx
DeleteI can understand why seeing the old pics was a bit upsetting, but remember most people dislike looking at their own pictures since we're all taught how imperfect we are. I wish the story had given equal time to the successes like yours, not just reciting dismal stats. I agree with Lindsay above...that music has to go, it's awful. The one time I was on TV, I looked like an idiot since my comments were abbreviated and lost context. I have refused TV invites since. But you appeared relaxed and articulate; like a woman with goals and a future you can see.
ReplyDeleteAs you get more famous, you can insist on some editorial control..(smile)
I highly doubt you looked like an idiot, Aunt Judy (haha). A few more success stories would have been nice. Sometimes I think we forget to showcase the success stories... But that just gives me something to talk about next time I'm on TV and get more famous, as you said. ;)
DeleteKelsi, I just watched your interview and the story and I am so proud of you! To speak out and open up, especially on national television must have taken so much courage, I'm guessing probably the amount of courage that you had when you decided to recover from your eating disorder.
ReplyDeleteBattling with an eating disorder everyday is just so debilitating and I look at you and you give me so much hope. That there can be something to look forward to at the end of the tunnel. I admire you so much and thank you for giving me an inkling of hope. :) xx
Goodness, Luisa - I think those might some of the nicest words anyone has ever said to me. Thank you SO much!! There is always something to look forward to at the end of the tunnel. I do still struggle with ED thoughts at times, but you will reach a point where you are able to control them. Keep fighting the good fight! <3 xx
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