Wanting an Eating Disorder

Earlier this spring on my flight home from a trip down south, a young man sat next to me and started up a friendly conversation. He asked what I was studying in school and I told him I am going into social work specializing in eating disorders. To my surprise he chuckled and said, "I need to get one of those."

Dumbfounded, I politely smiled and did my best to hide my angry eyes as he continued, "Sometimes I think that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. All I do is eat. I really need to get an eating disorder"

To most people this might sound like a careless joke, but as you can probably guess, I did not find this humorous at all. For the rest of the flight, my mind was off in eating disorder land. Before I truly developed my eating disorder, I remember thinking that I, too, wanted an eating disorder. There was a period of time when I would rip pictures of thin celebrities out of magazines and keep them in a folder as reminders of the "perfect" body. 

Unlike many anorexia patients, my eating disorder began with a series of binges. Those women in the magazine pictures were able to control their eating habits and I desperately wanted the same thing. The perfectionist in me was ready to do whatever it took to achieve that perfect body. A part of me wanted to stand out from the rest of my family and developing an eating disorder seemed to be the obvious solution.

A friend of mine from treatment had a somewhat similar experience. She was born a pastor's daughter and became tired of constantly trying to fit the perfect image everyone expected her to portrait. Possibly as a way to rebel against her family's ideal image, she desperately began to want something to be wrong with her. She, too, believed that developing an eating disorder would fill the holes in her heart. The eating disorder would allow her to slowly waste away and she would no longer needed to fill the perfect child role. 

Recently I have also been hearing about many young people who think an eating disorder would provide an escape from their everyday problems. To make matters worse, some individuals believe that because they wanted to develop an eating disorder, they do not deserve equal treatment. For years I have struggled to find a meaning behind the development of my eating disorder after growing up in a seemingly perfect household. Without any obvious answers, I believed that I was unworthy of treatment. If I was able to put myself in this situation, I should be able to get myself out - right? Unfortunately, eating disorders don't work that way.

Regardless of how or why an eating disorder is developed, the important thing is to understand that everyone is deserving of treatment.

To some, like the gentleman on my flight, developing an eating disorder might be a joke, but to others this is a very serious issue. In the moment, eating disorders might seem like the perfect solution but they are only a temporary fix. In the long run, my eating disorder only created a tremendous amount of pain for me and those who cared for me most.

As much as I hate to admit it, there was a time in my life when I truly wanted an eating disorder. It may have taken me a long time to understand that although I (partly) brought this upon myself, I am still worthy of receiving the help I deserve. I am no longer searching for the reason behind my eating disorder. What's done is done. The only thing I am focused on now is my future in recovery.

Progress.