Fat is Not a Feeling

I don't know how many times a therapist of mine has told me "fat is not a feeling" over the years; too many to count. It is actually quite fascinating how many of us allow the way we feel about our bodies affect our mood for the entire day. Fat is just a word to cover up whatever uncomfortable emotion we might truly be feeling. 

This quote is one I wish I would have had with me during the weight gain process when I constantly felt fat and needed a reminder that the uncomfortably full feeling DOES eventually pass (this quote can be related to any painful emotion actually).

"Breathe. You’re going to be okay. 

Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. 

You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. 

Breathe and know that you can survive this too. 

These feelings can’t break you. 

They’re painful and debilitating, 

but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. 

Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, 

they are going to fade and when they do, 

you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. 

I know it feels unbearable right now, 

but keep breathing, again and again. 

This will pass. I promise it will pass."

 Looking back at my I Feel Fat post from last December (over 6 months ago already??), I can see a huge change in myself and the way I deal with those fat days. Some mornings while I am getting dressed, I still go through my entire closet and even then can't find anything flattering - but what girl doesn't have those days? Feeling fat used to consume my entire day, but I have learned that if I carry on with my day, like the quote says, those feelings do pass.

Progress.

Throw Out The Scale... Now.

Over the past 10 years or so, I have had a love/hate relationship with my bathroom scale. For most people the number on the scale tells them how much they weigh and that's it. For those of us with eating disorders, however, it's not that simple. The number on the scale has the ability to dictate my mood for the entire day and has somehow become a measure of my self worth.

 No matter what the number was - high, low, or even if it remained the same - it was never, ever good enough. Logically it would make sense for a person who finds it so difficult to see the number on the scale to simply throw it out. Never weigh themselves again.

So why is it so incredibly difficult for those of us with eating disorders to throw out the scale and stop weighing ourselves?

For some of us the scale becomes the last piece of control we can grasp onto. Last night I asked for some input on this subject from followers of my Tumblr Blog and one of my favorite responses perfectly answered my question:

"I think it is so hard to destroy the scale because even in recovery, it is one last little piece of control. So that if things “get out of hand" with our weight, we will at least know. Because the only thing scarier than gaining (more) weight is not knowing when we gain weight."

(To read the rest of this response click here and check out this Body Positive Blog)

While I was still in treatment, I begged my therapist every single day to tell me what my goal weight was and once she finally told me I wished I hadn't know. I played it cool and pretended like I could handle seeing my goal weight, but on the inside I was freaking out. No matter what that number was, I know I would not have been happy with it. Since leaving treatment 9ish months ago, I have only seen my weight twice and each time it has ruined my entire day, even though I had a general idea of what the number would be.

Some eating disorder patients go through recovery continually weighing themselves and although I realize everyone is different, I have to argue that seeing that number is far from helpful. Each time I get weighed I step on the scale backwards, my therapist records the number without telling me, and we move on. Even though I don't see the number, getting weighed still makes me anxious. So why would I want to add ever more anxiety by seeing the number? 

I came up with a short list of reasons to get rid of the scale today, but please feel free to add to it if I missed anything:

Numbers do not define me

There is so much more to life than my weight

Freedom

The end of obsessive weighing

No more crying on the bathroom floor

Scales are for fish

Most scales aren't even accurate - some electronic scales can be anywhere from 2-10lbs off

It's an eating disordered behavior

Highly triggering

If you need more convincing, here are some of the other responses I received on giving up the scale:

"Last time I weighed myself was 3/4 years ago :) It's the most liberating thing ever."

"I smashed mine while on leave from residential in 2011! It's amazing! It's also on Youtube haha" 

"I now use it as my reality check… I would get fear for the time when I have to see it…"

"I told my mom to take it away. I know where it is but I won’t look. It’s hard but I know I’ll feel worse if I look every day."

"Even after we consider ourselves recovered, frequently weighing us keeps us safe, which makes it really hard for me to stop."

"I wrote swear words all over my scale, threw it in a trash bag and stormed down to the trash compactor in my apartment building. CLOSURE."

Letting go of the scale can be one of the more difficult parts of recovery for some, but please believe me when I say it is worth it. Although there might be a period of "withdrawal" and temptation to seek out a scale, it does not mean those eating disordered thoughts need to win. The best advice I received was to get angry and smash my scale with a sledgehammer, run it over with my car, or at least have a friend hide it. With a little time, it is possible to be completely free from compulsive weighing behaviors.

I've said it before, but I will say it again - life is too short to allow a bathroom scale to control my life. If you haven't already, go throw out your scale... now.

Progress.

Am I Worth It?

 

After receiving an email from a recovery buddy explaining her belief that she is not worthy of recovery, I began thinking about worth. What does it actually mean to be worthy of something?

During my entire stay in treatment and occasionally from time to time I still question whether or not I am worthy of recovery. As I type that I realize how silly that may sound to most of you. Whenever I hear someone say that about themselves I automatically think they are delusional. Of course they are worth recovery. Why can't they see it for themselves?

More often than not, I tend to be my own worst enemy. Harsh self judgments and thoughts of inadequacy drove my eating disorder for years. The way I saw myself was completely different than what the rest of the world saw in me. 

But why didn't I ever think I deserved to recover? 

Was it out of fear of letting my eating disorder go? 

Was it because I believed the eating disorder was my fault? 

Was it because I knew there are people with far worse problems in this world than me?

Was it because the eating disorder thoughts told me I was worthless for so long? 

Did I believe I had made too many mistakes to ever be worth loving again?

Maybe it was a combination of all of these things. All I knew for sure was no one could convince me that I was worthy - except myself.

We live in a society that places so much emphasis on social status, physical appearance, and material possessions, but do any of those things actually bring worth? I am starting to believe those things may bring a temporary and false sense of worthiness, but if I don't believe in myself none of that matters.

Your body doesn't determine your worth.
Society doesn't determine your worth.
Your past doesn't determine your worth.
Your future doesn't determine your worth.
Your talents don't determine your worth.
Your shortcomings don't determine your worth.
Your relationship status doesn't determine your worth.
Your clothes don't determine your worth.
Your occupation doesn't determine your worth.
Your mistakes don't determine your worth.
You are worthy. 

"You are valuable because you exist. Not because of what you do or what you have done - but simply because you are."  -Max Lucado

Worth comes from within. If we continue to look for acceptance in physical objects, we will be searching for the rest of our lives. I think my own worth comes from following my own path, finding my bliss, independence, meaningful connections with others, treating myself with respect, and most importantly, believing in myself and my recovery.

Progress.

The Dreaded Weight Gain Process

One of the most common questions I get about my recovery is how I forced myself to gain the weight. Without a better answer, I usually just tell people I was in treatment and did not have a choice. With my treatment team watching my every move, I felt as though I had to gain the weight or there would be serious consequences.

If I am being honest here, the weight gain was the absolute worst part of my recovery. I hated every second of it. Gaining the 2-3 pounds per week prescribed by my treatment team was torturous at times. Each day after we finished dinner, I would have to sprawl out on the floor, lay there with my protruding belly, and pray I would not feel that full forever.

Without supervised meals and support from the other patients, I would not have been able to gain the weight. When I hear about people recovering and gaining weight on their own, I am blown away by the amount of courage and willpower that must take. Not only was the weight gain process scary, but the body also goes through some drastic changes that I was not expecting. If my treatment team had not been there to constantly remind me that these changes were normal, I would have easily fallen off the wagon.

First, after a long period of depletion and dehydration, the body begins to retain water. Some patients experience 7-20 pound weight gains within the first week alone, all of which is water weight. After the body realizes it will not be in dehydration mode any longer, it can then properly digest those liquids, relieving the initial bloat. 

Before the true weight gain process begins, however, the body uses the first calories it receives to begin repairing the heart, skin, nails, kidneys, brain, ext. After the initial water weight shock, it is actually quite difficult for some patients to gain weight due to excess number of calories needed. Many patients believe that if they up their caloric intake to 1500-2000 then they will start to gain weight, but that isn't necessarily true.

 The body goes into what is called hyperactive metabolic state, which means the metabolism works in overdrive around the clock. During this stage I remember having really bad night sweats (actually I was sweaty all the time ha) and I was always hungry no matter how much food I was forced to eat. Although I did not understand what was going on with my body at the time, both the sweating and the return of the appetite are both signs the metabolism is working again - which is a very good thing. 

However, it is important to keep in mind that in order to actually gain weight, calories need to be quite high. In my experience, the closer I got to my goal weight, the harder it was to keep gaining. I had continuous calorie increases throughout the weight gain process.

Also, those trying to gain weight on their own go through a period where they experience 'extreme hunger.' No matter how many calories are consumed, thanks to the hyper-metabolic state, feelings of hunger are incredibly persistent. Patients are often unfamiliar with hunger pangs, which can lead to guilt, anxiety, and then binging. It is not uncommon for anorexia patients to go through a period of bulimia during recovery.

The worst part of the weight gain process for me was the uneven distribution of weight. When eating disorder patients begin gaining weight, it all goes to the stomach and face. We always joked about our 'pregnant bellies' in treatment; we all had these tiny little bodies with protruding bellies. With time and consistent eating habits, thankfully, the weight does redistribute more evenly.

Digestive problems are another huge complaint of those in the early stages of recovery. Without going into too much detail of my own digestive issues, let's just say things don't move very quickly - if you catch my drift. Patients experience significant intestinal discomfort and often do not regulate for weeks or even months. 

A few other complications I have not mentioned are "refeeding" syndrome, sleep disturbances, nausea, zero energy, and an endless list of psychological disturbances. Again, it is difficult for me to fathom gaining this weight and going through all of these bodily changes without my treatment team. I cannot put into words the level of respect I have for those of you recovering on your own. Hopefully this list won't scare you away from weight gain, but help prepare you. 

The good news is, this weight gain process does not last forever. I always reminded myself that if I could get through that phase, I knew I was strong enough to get through the rest of it. My thought processes and mental functions have improved immensely since reaching my maintenance weight. Eventually I began to see the number of positives that came along with the weight gain outweighed the negatives.

It's hard for me to believe that I have been at my goal weight for nine months now. Yes, I do struggle with body image some days, but I know that losing weight is simply not worth it because I would have to go through the dreaded weight gain process all over again.

Progress.

You Be You & I'll Be Me

A switch has been made in my brain. I'm not exactly sure when this happened, but I noticed it yesterday for the first time... ever. 

When I first came home from treatment, anytime anyone brought up their diet or health-related-food-talk in general I would instantly become triggered. If I noticed my mom was eating a banana instead of a brownie it automatically meant she was trying to lose weight. Every single time I turned on the radio or the TV, I was bombarded with a new ridiculous diet ad. The girl who sat next to me in class would also constantly talk about how she wanted to lose 10lbs for spring break. 

At that time I was hyper sensitive to all food talk - healthy or unhealthy. The less I knew about your diet the more likely we were to be friends. My meal plan became the only food related business I wanted to hear about and that was more than enough because it was all I thought about. 

Just last week a good friend of mine was sending me pictures of a few of the healthy foods he keeps around the house and before I knew it, I was annoyed and asking him to please STOP. The treatment center I went to did an outstanding job of desensitizing me to "fear foods." Although I understand eating Reese's peanut butter cups instead of an apple is not the best choice for my health, I still pick the Reese's because I CAN for the first time in probably 15 years.  

In my head when people tell me about their new healthy eating resolutions, it makes me feel like my new exciting relationship with unhealthy foods is somehow 'not good enough' or wrong. I have spent a good year developing this new relationship with food, so if I am made to feel like it is somehow incorrect I automatically get defensive.

Slowly, however, over the past 8 or 9 months since I have been home from treatment, those thoughts and triggers have somehow disappeared. Last night while discussing healthy eating again, I realized that my eating habits will always be different from those of others - eating disorder related or not. I don't think a perfect relationship with food exists, so to compare my diet to anyone else is a waste of time. 

Yesterday I also read a post from a fellow recovery blogger about her experience on the Whole 30 Diet. At first I was a little confused about why someone who previously struggled with an eating disorder would attempt to do something like this, but as I read the post I realized it wasn't about ME. She is doing what is right for her at this point in her life and she is seeing huge benefits - yay for her! Who am I to negatively judge a healthy lifestyle change in some else's life? (I told you something in my brain has switched... who is this Kelsi?)

  This post would not be complete without a quote, so here is my quote for the day:

"You be you and I’ll be me, today and today and today, and let’s trust the future to tomorrow. Let the stars keep track of us. Let us ride our own orbits and trust that they will meet." -Jerry Spinelli

I seem to need a continuous reminder that my recovery is about doing what is right for ME regardless of the nonstop diet talk in today's society. Most of my life has been spent attempting to become an exact replicate of those around me, but that only got me into serious trouble over the years. I might even be your friend if you choose to discuss your diet with me now. Separating myself and realizing that I am eating in a way that is healthy for me at this point in my life is all I need to focus on today. 

You be you and I'll be me.

Progress.

Unstable & Messy

“I seem less stable and more messy when I’m really getting better because I’m breaking down the facade of perfectionism and denial.” 

This just might be my new favorite quote of all time and I'm a quote-lover so this is kind of a big deal.

 

When I first entered treatment and began the recovery process, I did feel - for lack of a better word - crazy. The shock of ending all eating disordered and other destructive behaviors left me to deal with all of my underlying issues that I had been avoiding for years. My identity felt like it was being stolen from me. Who was I without an eating disorder? 

And let's not forget that I was hospitalized, which of course meant I had to be messy and unstable. Deep down I knew I needed help and recovery forced me to face my broken soul. The temper tantrums and nonstop crying were proof that I must really need to be in this loony bin. There are many days during recovery where the inability to control my emotions has made me cynical of the whole process. 

As difficult as it may be to understand, in the beginning of recovery, life with the eating disorder does seem better than life without it. 

But don't be fooled. 

By slowly beginning to break down that facade of perfectionism, a much more carefree life is left to be discovered. Without my eating disorder, I often felt lost and completely exposed to the world around me, but sometimes a shock like that is needed in order to jump start such a daunting process. Sometimes we do need to take a few steps back before we can take a step forward.

By letting go of perfectionism, I have been forced to see the world in shades of gray. Over the years I have become an expert at being self critical when I do not meet my own standards, so learning to express kindness toward myself has been completely foreign at times. In order to let go of my perfectionistic thoughts I have been forced to become aware of my self critical thoughts, practice self compassion, and examine my irrational fears of failure. None of these things happens over night, but I have found that after that "crazy stage" my inner perfectionist has slowly eased up.

Denial - For so long I was being unrealistic about my eating disorder even though it was clear to others that I was struggling. In order to face my denial I had to be honest about my emotions for the first time in my life. At first I remember feeling guilty for allowing myself to reach such an incredible low and it was simply easier to deny, ignore, and refuse to believe I needed help. Just like my perfectionism, with time as I slowly faced my past, that denial was lifted.

Recovery is a messy process and I have learned that it is perfectly okay (and normal) to feel worse before it is possible to feel better. It is important to remember that the only way to begin self discovery is to face the aspects of life holding us back. Most importantly, I am pretty excited to finally see that I am not less stable or messier than anyone else on the road to self discovery - thanks to my new favorite quote.

Progress.

Have OR Had an Eating Disorder?

Recently I was chatting with a friend about how differently we view food and decide what to eat. Now that I am much more aware of what "normal" eating is, I have also realized how strange current my eating habits might appear to some people. As we continued to discuss eating patterns, I joked and said, "Well, of course I view food differently than most, I have an eating disorder after all." This friend quickly jumped in and asked, "Don't you mean had an eating disorder?"

Here is where understanding the recovery process can be tricky for some people. Yes, I have been in recovery for over a year now, I physically appear to be healthy, and I do have my eating related symptoms under control for the most part. With that said, however, I still have a significant amount of work to do before I am completely free of those eating disordered thoughts. The mental aspect of eating disorders is something that is often overlooked. On the outside, I appear to be functioning in society and eating when I am supposed to, but that does not necessarily mean I've reached a point where I can say I once had an eating disorder. 

So what exactly is the difference between being in recovery and being recovered? 

In my perfect world, there would be a simple answer. There would be a switch that I could simply turn off and with that forever be free from eating disordered behaviors. Like most things in life, however, it just doesn't work that way. 

The recovery spectrum varies greatly. At one end, a patient might still be binging and purging or restricting, but is making progress in other ways. While on the other end of the spectrum, a patient might be free of symptoms but is continually working on the mental aspects of recovery. Some patients can be free from symptoms for years, but still believe they are in recovery out of fear of reaching a fully recovered state. 

Eating disorder recovery, as opposed to other forms of recovery (such as alcohol or drug abuse), is exceptionally difficult because rather than completely avoiding our "drug of choice," we must face it multiple times a day. Food is a necessity. Period. Living in a society that already has skewed views on food does not make the recovery process any easier, but that does not make it impossible either. 

I think many people fail to understand the mental aspect involved in eating disorders. This is not anyone's fault and does not imply ignorance; it simply shows the complexity of eating disorder treatment. Even professionals have difficulty defining what exactly it means to have or had an eating disorder. It is important to understand the eating disorder mentality before attempting to define recovered. To make things worse, due to the individual nature of recovery, each patient might have a somewhat different view on what it means to fully recover.

To define the word "recovered" is sticky business. Quite a few people with eating disorders believe that it is impossible to fully recover and they will always be conscious of their weight and food choices. In my mind, on the other hand, I do believe there will come a time when my eating disorder is completely behind me. I am looking forward to the day when I no longer live in fear of relapsing and accept my natural weight. Food or the lack there of will no longer be used as a coping mechanism. Food and weight will have their proper place in my life rather than ruling it completely. I will no longer compromise my health or betray my soul to look a certain way or fit into a particular dress size.

One of my favorite quotes, from the book Gaining written by Aimee Liu, about the recovery process is how I like to look at my current place in recovery:

"I've changed the way I think about recovery. I no longer define it in relation to illness but as an ongoing process of restoration and discovery. I see now that I am continuously restoring the essential individual I was born to be while discovering my unfolding connection to the world around me... And there will be setbacks. Sometimes it will seem as if I'm making no progress but simply repeating myself, turning around and around the same old habits and ways of thinking. But as long as I can feel myself present, open and awake, I know I am gradually gaining."

At this point in time, to say I have or had an eating disorder is not as simple as it may seem. There is not a specific moment or day during recovery when that switch is made. Sure, I still have eating disordered thoughts; however, I can do a much better job controlling them now than I did a year or even a month ago. I cannot say I once had an eating disorder just yet, but I am doing the best I can while I still have my eating disorder to continue striving for freedom.

Progress.

My (Somewhat Depressing) TV Debut

As I mentioned in a previous post, last week I helped out with an interview showcasing my old treatment center for a local news station. Last night the piece aired. After watching it a few times this morning, I'm having a difficult time putting into words exactly how I feel about it. Click the link below to view the video clip.

WTOL 11 Special Report: Local woman's silent fight with eating disorders

If I am being completely honest, I was quite excited to see my big television debut. As I watched it, however, I began wishing my TV appearance wasn't quite so depressing. It was not an easy thing to watch. For quite sometime now, I have been avoiding those old pictures and focusing on the endless health benefits involved in recovery instead. Maybe my internal optimist was expecting to see a more upbeat story rather than this four minute downer.

When an individual is consumed in their eating disorder, everyday life is completely distorted. During the time that most of those photos were taken I did not see how thin I actually was. In my twisted eating disorder mind, I really believed I needed to lose a few more pounds.

While being reminded of my past is rather painful at times, luckily I can see past that and focus on amount of progress I have made since then. Sometimes it's impossible to see small changes because I live with myself every single day. This past week I have felt trapped in my current situation, but after seeing this video those thoughts have vanished.

Recovery is a long, long journey and I could not be more thankful for my new found perspective thanks to this video. There might be times when I feel stuck in recovery, but that girl in the video did not even believe she had a future. Eating disorders are an ugly disease. The recovery process, on the other hand, although demanding and terrifying at times, is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me.

As I shed a few tears while viewing that video, I felt a little disappointed in myself for letting my eating disorder get as bad as it did. My exciting television premier might have been a bit of a downer, but more importantly, it reminded me of the how much can change if recovery is taken seriously. My past will always be a part of who I am whether I like it or not. Luckily, with the choices I make every single day, I can decide how my future will play out. Maybe my next TV appearance will be a little more uplifting. ;)

Progress.

Just One Drink

 

This is one of those posts I wasn't sure if I should share, but it is a significant part of my recovery. So here it goes...

Last Friday night while I was out with my best friend Kaila, I had a... drink. Keyword there is A, as in singular. We were out downtown on a busy Friday night and as we looked at the drink menu something inside of me told me to go for it, so I did. As we sipped our cocktails, that old familiar feeling of relief and calmness began to take over.

 

After finishing our drink, we left that bar and headed to another. As my drink wore off, I began to feel myself craving another. We met up with a few other friends who were ordering more drinks, but thankfully my best friend and wing woman for the night was content with just one drink. As my cravings for another increased, I told her I was ready for drink number two, but she questioned whether or not that was a good idea. Deep down I knew it wasn't, but in that moment I was willing to take that temporary sense of relief instead of looking at the big picture. Having another drink would have led to another and another and eventually a huge amount of guilt.

By the time we were home for the night, the drink had completely worn off and I was feeling great. That might have been the first time I have ever gone out and stuck to the one drink rule. Although the whole bar scene makes me more anxious than almost anything, I not only faced it, but I also had a blast.  

The next day Kaila and I spent the afternoon at the beach and I shockingly wasn't consumed with guilty thoughts from the night before. Actually, I hardly even thought about it. For me to be able to live in a happy moment like that without beating myself up is HUGE.

 

That night when I got home, I didn't mention the drink to my parents out of fear of disappointing them. I had broken my sobriety, after all. (Surprise, mom...)

 

After having a few days to process this and a good talk with my therapist, I'm really thankful for how this situation played out. I knew the day when I would have to face my first drink would eventually come and I honestly don't think it could have gone much better. I learned that having one drink still leads me to want more AND that I can still have a ton of fun without drinking.

 

Recently I've been wondering if drinking would be different for me now that my eating disorder symptoms are under control. My eating disorder and the drinking were directly related. Both were simply a way for me to numb out and avoid the mess of a life I had created. Now that I am back on track with my eating, however, I was curious to see if alcohol had a different effect on me. For now, it still appears too difficult for me to feel comfortable with a single drink... And that's OKAY.

Ever since I admitted to all of you that I got into legal trouble with alcohol, I have been deathly afraid of falling back into that black hole. The only way to get over our fears, however, is to face them head on. I took a huge risk by having that drink, but I also provided myself with a huge opportunity to learn and grow. There is always a trade off in risky situations, but we always have the choice to step back and see the bigger picture.

A huge part of me did not want to publicly share that I broke my sobriety. As an addiction writer for Libero Network and after developing an openness about my struggles with alcohol, I fear this will limit my credibility. But after a nearly a week of thinking about this, I actually now think the opposite is true. Recovery is not perfect. I am not perfect. Keeping my slip up a secret will only allow the shame to build up inside of me.

Bottom line: Drinking is still dangerous for me without a plan and a friend to stop me after one drink. Lesson learned. Don't worry; I do not plan on drinking anytime in the near future. If a similar situation does present itself, however, at least I have a plan and know that if I can survive it once, I can absolutely do it again.

Progress.

Taking Risks

“Great people do things before they’re ready. 

They do things before they know they can do it. 

And by doing it, they’re proven right. 

Because, I think there’s something inside of you—

and inside of all of us—

when we see something and we think, 

“I think I can do it, I think I can do it. But I’m afraid to.” 

Bridging that gap, doing what you’re afraid of, 

getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that—

THAT is what life is. 

And I think you might be really good. 

You might find out something about yourself that’s special. 

And if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. 

Now you know something about yourself. 

Now you know. A mystery is solved. 

So, I think you should just give it a try. 

Just inch yourself out of that back line. 

Step into life. 

Courage. 

Risks. 

Yes. Go. Now.”

-Amy Poehler

 I cannot even begin to count the number of times I have chosen not to try something because I was afraid. There are new risks and challenges to be faced every single day in recovery, but I tend to wait until it is too late to chase after the important things. After getting out of town and spending some much needed time with my best friend this weekend, I am feeling refreshingly motivated. There are so many opportunities out there if I take the time to notice them.

My eating disorder forced me to live in a very rigid and predictable manner. However, I am quickly learning life doesn't stop. There will never be a perfect time to make big changes. Like I have said a million times before, recovery has given me a second chance to take those risks and live my life. Today I am grateful for the frightening, but very necessary risks recovery is continuously forcing me to take.

Progress.

(p.s. my dinosaur of a computer finally crashed so posts might be lacking this week)

Understanding Eating Disorders

Earlier this week I drove downstate and did an interview with a local TV station as a part of a piece showcasing the treatment center I went to. After answering what seemed like a million questions, one question is still stuck in my brain, "Do the people closest to you understand your eating disorder? If not, how have you dealt with that."

Even after having a few days to process this, I still don't know how exactly to answer that question. The simple answer is NO; people in general do not understand eating disorders. But WHY people don't understand has been the real question nagging at me all week.

For someone who has never had an eating disorder, food is just food. It's that simple. Sometimes people think eating disorders are developed out of stubbornness or are only for the attention, but they rarely have anything to do with either of those things.

Sometimes for me it's difficult to even understand my own eating disorder. Why is eating so difficult for me? Eating is one of the first means of survival we learn as infants. We cannot survive without it. If I am unable to understand why I struggle with it, then how am I supposed to explain it to others? Unless you have been there and lived with an eating disorder, it is impossible to fully grasp the mind set involved.

My eating disorder was more about control. There was so much hurt bottled up inside me and by controlling my food intake, I was able to channel that hurt. For most people, the decent into an eating disorder is not a conscious decision. Eating disorders don't have a cut and dry process. In the beginning I didn't feel thin enough to have an eating disorder, which is where the denial began for me.

Somewhere along the way I reached a point where I could no longer distinguish myself from the eating disorder. In the beginning I could recognize the eating disordered thoughts and label them as unhealthy, but as things progressed and I began to feel the need for more control, everything got blurry. The more I tried to control my eating habits, the more the disorder began to control me. There is a point where there is no turning back and more often than not, a person has no idea they have crossed that line.

It almost became an obsessive compulsive thing for me. My rituals and habits began to control my entire day. If one of those rituals was broken or I got off track, it was like my whole world was ending. I needed that routine to keep me safe. If the rules were broken I felt as though I needed to punish myself. A part of me didn't even understand why I was doing these insane things, but the one thing I did know for sure was that all hell broke loose if I fell off the wagon. Without the rituals I almost felt worthless, even though saying that now sounds totally irrational.

At this point, the brain becomes so malnourished that it is literally impossible to think straight. Everything that goes on in an eating disordered mind is irrational. From an outsider's perspective I can finally see where this would be a difficult thing to understand.

That may or may not have helped anyone understand my eating disorder or even made any sense, but I'm learning to be okay with that. It can be frustrating to go through recovery without a support system who understands. But I think the bottom line here is - people don't need to understand. I have learned to accept that those closest to me don't understand everything, but I CAN still recover.

I spent quite a few months feeling hurt and insulted that my own parents don't understand, but I have recently learned that they can still be supportive without getting it. Will I ever be able to pinpoint why our society is so clueless when it comes to eating disorders? Probably not. But that does not need to stop me from recovering.

Progress.