"I Wouldn't Want To Be Any Thinner"

Last night something really, really strange happened. After finishing my night snack, brushing my teeth, and putting my pj's on, I looked in the mirror and thought... brace yourself... 

"I wouldn't want to be any thinner." 

What?!

I immediately picked up my phone and bragged to my best friend. That was a huge moment for me. Even if I don't feel that way today or again anytime soon, I think it's a good idea for me recognize the importance of that moment. If I can think it once, then there is a good chance I can feel that way again in the future. 

Being content with my current weight is not something I have ever been able to do. Like ever. I remember thinking last night about how sick I must have looked xx pounds ago. It's hard for me to even picture myself that way anymore. In my opinion, having a positive body image (even if only for one night) means some of those self-destructive thoughts have been changed into happy, healthy self thoughts. I honestly didn't know if this would ever happen.

This post is short and sweet, but just as important as any other post. I am marking this "I wouldn't want to be any thinner" day down on my calender!

Progress.

Why Media & Body Image Aren't to Blame

 Last week in one of my classes we had a discussion on how the media affects body image and the rise of eating disorders in adolescents. It's not shocking that immediately after learning that was the week's discussion topic I went on a bit of a rant.

Sure, I can understand that the media has had a negative impact on the self esteem of young people in today's society and kids are often bullied based on their physical appearance alone; however, for many of us with eating disorders the media is not to blame. An incredibly bright email recovery buddy of mine, whom I have quoted several times before, said this to me last night and it fits perfectly with this post: 
 
"...It's funny, when people think of triggers for people with eating disorders they often think of glossy magazines or models on catwalks. But, like you, loneliness is one of my biggest triggers. 

Because ultimately, eating disorders are a coping mechanism for dealing with life. 

People with eating disorders aren't "crazy" or shallow. 

They are just people who are struggling."

 One of the questions my teacher asked the class was, "How can we improve body image in adolescents in order to treat eating disorders," which is where my rant began. Let me first say that I have come a long way in understanding that the general population does not understand eating disorders and that's okay. BUT I can't help but get a little irritated when people assume improving body image will magically cure eating disorders.

Loneliness, for example, isn't something I talk about often, but is one of my biggest triggers. My loneliness isn't necessarily caused by a lack of people in my life, but is more a void deep within me that I can't seem to figure out how to fill. When I begin having thoughts of inadequacy, I am also triggered and have to fight off urges to have symptoms. Loneliness and inadequacy often feel out of my control, which makes me crave the controlling aspect of the eating disorder. I still have a difficult time coping with those uncomfortable emotions, making the numbing aspect of ED symptoms appealing.

Gaining a significant amount of weight during recovery was not easy and yes, I do have body image issues but what normal person wouldn't after gaining that much weight? For me gaining weight was frightening because I was being forced to let go of the safe and comfortable environment my eating disorder had provided. I needed help building a new comfort zone with healthier coping mechanisms, not a body image cure.

If body image improvement is the only component of treatment needed to recover, then the recovery process wouldn't be so complex. Without taking each individual's underlying issues into consideration, there is no way to effectively treat this disease. If I didn't deal with loneliness, thoughts of inadequacy, perfectionism, or anxiety on a daily basis, would I have developed an eating disorder? It is impossible to say for sure, but I'm going to say my chances would have been much lower.

Please do not assume that I am in favor of the tactics used by today's media. In fact, I think the unattainable beauty standards set by the media are quite appalling. Even my non eating disordered friends struggle with these impossible standards. This is a problem our entire society faces, not just eating disorder patients.

Seeing pictures of unhealthy looking runway models isn't helpful, but it doesn't send me into a downward spiral either. Poor body image is one component of eating disorders, but it is not the cause. In my humble opinion, if eating disorders are to be successfully treated we need to dig much deeper than the issue of media and body image. 

Rant over.

Progress.

Body Acceptance

Like I mentioned in an earlier post, my family has been coming to this same vacation spot in St. Augustine for years. Thinking back, I can't think of one year that I felt comfortable in my swimsuit. Every year I went on a spring break diet and exercise plan, but it only seemed to make me more self conscious. Meals were always dreaded because I knew eating would leave me feeling bloated and disgusting. 

One year I became so starved (or emotional, I'm not sure. Maybe both.) that I stole a jar of peanut butter and a half eaten box of crackers from the pantry and ate nearly all of it in secrecy. This incident was before my purging days, so I was forced to endure the guilt involved with binging. My entire trip was ruined as a result because I thought I was fat. I remember feeling really irritated with my family members who could eat three meals a day, plus snacks and still feel comfortable in their own skin. It did not make any sense to me. 

It's difficult for me to believe that I am even saying this, but for the past three days I have gone for walks on the beach wearing only my swimsuit. Before leaving for this trip, I was scared to death to simply buy a swimsuit and I hadn't even considered actually wearing it in public.

Here's the craziest part of all - I felt more confident in my suit this year than I ever have in my entire life. As I was walking, I kept thinking of all of the amazing things my body has done for me: It has recovered from a state of self-starvation, it has allowed my metabolism to work normally again, it has helped my bones grow strong again, and most importantly, it has allowed me to feel happiness again. I wasn't worrying about whether or not my body looked perfect - because we all know it never will - instead I was feeling proud of the hard work that has allowed me to enjoy those moments.

  

Body acceptance is a state of mind that I never thought I could reach. Ironically, however, now that I have been at a healthy weight for an extended period of time, I feel more comfortable in my body than I ever did while I was sick. My body image was actually worse 50lbs ago than it is right now.

 

My metabolism has also fired up again. Although it does take time and continuous eating to help the metabolism work properly again, it does happen. When I was restricting my calories, my body would cling onto every morsel of food I did feed it because it didn't know when it would receive fuel again, which causes the awful bloating. By eating regularly, however, not only do I feel better mentally and physically, the bloating has also gone away. My body has re-learned how to digest food - YAY! 

This is a huge step for me. By facing my fear of looking fat in my swimsuit on the beach, I have found a new sense of body acceptance. Amazingly, one year ago, my biggest fear was weight gain and here I am feeling better than ever before in my own skin. 

Progress.

Swimsuit Shopping

In a week and a half I am heading to Florida for some much needed relaxation and sunshine. For five days straight, I have nothing planned except getting a start on my summer tan. What could be better than that?

The only downside to my mini vacation, however, is trying to find a swimsuit. For obvious reasons, my suit from last year does not even come close to fitting and I'm pretty sure I threw it out sometime last fall. For the lucky few people who actually enjoy swimsuit shopping, I seriously envy you. For the rest of us, on the other hand, it can be one of the most dreaded days of the year. After recently gaining a significant amount of weight, I wasn't even sure if I had the guts to enter a fitting room to begin the process of finding the right fit. 

Earlier this week, to my surprise, I did find the courage to do a little swimsuit shopping. Over the past few months, I have learned some great shopping strategies to help keep my body image in check. My favorite is to grab a bunch of different sizes, bring them to the fitting room, try them on WITHOUT looking at the tag, and just go with the one that fits the best.

If I am being completely honest, I had planned on buying a one-piece to cover up my new shape. Thankfully as I was looking at the suits, however, I decided I was way too young to go for the one-piece. 

After trying on what felt like every single suit in the store, ironically, I went with the very first one I tried on. Why does that always seem to happen? It fit perfectly, it is my favorite color, pink, and it is a size XL.  

Yes, I did stupidly give in and look at the size on the tag, which almost gave me heart attack. Am I really a size XL?! 

Am I crazy for posting these pictures? Absolutely.

Is my body at a healthy weight? Yup.

Did I spend hours in the gym before swimsuit shopping? I haven't worked out in over a year.

Do I eat Reese's peanut-butter cups everyday? Religiously.

Am I 45-50 pounds heavier than the last time I wore a swimsuit? Yes.

Does it matter? Not at all.

For the first time in a decade, I am not obsessing about the amount of weight I want to lose before spring break. The swimsuit I bought fits my body now, rather than the body I dream of having; even if it is an XL.

When I was underweight and very sick, I always wondered why they even made bikinis above a size small. As I type that now, I realize how incredibly ridiculous and flat out rude that sounds, but when I was sick, I honestly did not understand how anyone above a size 2 could feel comfortable in a swimsuit.

As much as I was dreading swimsuit shopping, it actually turned out to be somewhat of a turning point in my recovery. I know I have said it a million times and even wear a bracelet that says "numbers do not define me," but for the first time I really, truly believe it. In this particular swimsuit, I'm a size XL and - dare I say it - I feel pretty darn good in it.

(Serious) Progress.