Wanting an Eating Disorder

Earlier this spring on my flight home from a trip down south, a young man sat next to me and started up a friendly conversation. He asked what I was studying in school and I told him I am going into social work specializing in eating disorders. To my surprise he chuckled and said, "I need to get one of those."

Dumbfounded, I politely smiled and did my best to hide my angry eyes as he continued, "Sometimes I think that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. All I do is eat. I really need to get an eating disorder"

To most people this might sound like a careless joke, but as you can probably guess, I did not find this humorous at all. For the rest of the flight, my mind was off in eating disorder land. Before I truly developed my eating disorder, I remember thinking that I, too, wanted an eating disorder. There was a period of time when I would rip pictures of thin celebrities out of magazines and keep them in a folder as reminders of the "perfect" body. 

Unlike many anorexia patients, my eating disorder began with a series of binges. Those women in the magazine pictures were able to control their eating habits and I desperately wanted the same thing. The perfectionist in me was ready to do whatever it took to achieve that perfect body. A part of me wanted to stand out from the rest of my family and developing an eating disorder seemed to be the obvious solution.

A friend of mine from treatment had a somewhat similar experience. She was born a pastor's daughter and became tired of constantly trying to fit the perfect image everyone expected her to portrait. Possibly as a way to rebel against her family's ideal image, she desperately began to want something to be wrong with her. She, too, believed that developing an eating disorder would fill the holes in her heart. The eating disorder would allow her to slowly waste away and she would no longer needed to fill the perfect child role. 

Recently I have also been hearing about many young people who think an eating disorder would provide an escape from their everyday problems. To make matters worse, some individuals believe that because they wanted to develop an eating disorder, they do not deserve equal treatment. For years I have struggled to find a meaning behind the development of my eating disorder after growing up in a seemingly perfect household. Without any obvious answers, I believed that I was unworthy of treatment. If I was able to put myself in this situation, I should be able to get myself out - right? Unfortunately, eating disorders don't work that way.

Regardless of how or why an eating disorder is developed, the important thing is to understand that everyone is deserving of treatment.

To some, like the gentleman on my flight, developing an eating disorder might be a joke, but to others this is a very serious issue. In the moment, eating disorders might seem like the perfect solution but they are only a temporary fix. In the long run, my eating disorder only created a tremendous amount of pain for me and those who cared for me most.

As much as I hate to admit it, there was a time in my life when I truly wanted an eating disorder. It may have taken me a long time to understand that although I (partly) brought this upon myself, I am still worthy of receiving the help I deserve. I am no longer searching for the reason behind my eating disorder. What's done is done. The only thing I am focused on now is my future in recovery.

Progress.

Meal Plan, Meal Plan, Meal Plan

This week has been the most chaotic, yet enjoyable weeks I have had since leaving treatment. The beginning of the week was spent out of town with good friends, a bacon cheeseburger and a Maroon 5 concert; while the second half of the week has been spent with my nose in a text book, cramming for midterms.

For the first time since leaving treatment, I have actually felt like a somewhat normal person this week. Instead of filling my time 100% focused on recovery, I have had the opportunity to have a little fun and experience life like a twenty-four (almost twenty-five) year old should be. 

As wonderful as this all sounds, it has come with a small price; my meal planning has been much more loose than normal. Right now in my recovery, I am at a point where I feel comfortable estimating the calories in one meal per day, while the rest are still carefully counted. I have been experimenting with this for a few weeks with my therapist and my weight has remained stable, so it seems to be going well. 

This week, however, I have estimated to the best of my ability almost everyday. With a busy schedule and life getting in the way, I have had to do my best to trust my hunger cues. Eventually, I hope to be able to eat like this all the time, but this week has taught me that I am not quite there yet and how important meal planning is during the early stages of recovery.

So, I thought for today I would make a list of my top ten reasons why meal planning has been such a positive aspect of my recovery so far:

1. Still not cannot trust my hunger cues

2. Keeps calories in check- making sure I get the right amount

3. Provides a sense of comfort- if I stick to my maintenance calories, I know I will not gain or lose weight

4. Setting meal and snack times helps prevent skipping meals

5. Has helped me 'relearn' to eat again

6. Allows me to eat whatever I want, within my calorie range

7. Allows me to focus on life, instead of obsessing about food

8. Keeps me satisfied, making the binge/purge cycle less likely to happen

9. Eating regularly keeps my metabolism fired up

10. Having the food aspect of recovery under control, allows me to focus on the mental part and underlying issues of the disorder

As I continue to become a normal person again, I know my meal planning will continue to become less strict and eventually disappear from my life completely; but for now it's kind of cool to stop and realize how far meal planning has gotten me. Upon leaving treatment, my therapist at the time always told me, "Meal plan! Meal plan! Meal plan!!!" and it's finally clear why she was so persistent about it.

 Overall, it has been a good week. The pace of progression is still on the slow side, but that seems to be the secret of my recovery so far. Someday my eating habits will normalize again, but for now I'm perfectly content to continue meal planning if it allows me to experience the simple joys of everyday life.

Progress.