The ED Grieving Process

This week the discussion topic in one of my classes was death, dying, and the grieving process. Kind of depressing, right? Death isn't something that I spend much time thinking about for that reason.

Most people don't realize eating disorders are the number one cause of death among all mental health disorders. Although there are huge consequences for remaining sick, many of us struggle to ever to get better. As I have gone through recovery, there has been somewhat of a grieving process that has taken place as I have let go of my old, familiar, and comfortable best friend - the eating disorder. 

Over the years, if I was having a bad day and needed to numb out, the eating disorder was there. If I was feeling in inadequate, I would just remind myself that I was the best at restricting my food intake. In a very sick way, the ED made me special. That constant false sense of accomplishment kept me going when everything else seemed to be crumbling before me. 

According to many psychology books, the grieving process has five steps:

 Denial - "My eating disorder isn't THAT bad. I don't need help."
Anger - "How could my parents have left me at this place (treatment). They must not love me. How can these people make me eat this food?!"
Bargaining - "If I'm going to eat this much, I should be able to walk every day."
Depression - "I hate this. Let me stay in bed all day. I don't know how to deal with all of these surfacing emotions."
Acceptance - "There's no turning back. Recovery is the most difficult thing I will ever do, but it sure beats living with an eating disorder."

For this post, I am going to focus on the depression stage of the grieving process because it seems to be the most challenging part for many of us in recovery. In the book, "The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth," written by M. Scott Peck, there is a chapter describing the healthiness of depression. According to Peck, during the process of giving up something it is normal to feel depression because,

"The feeling associated with giving up something loved - or at least something that is part of ourselves and familiar - is depression. Since mentally healthy human beings must grow, and since giving up or loss of the old self is an integral part of process of mental and spiritual growth, depression is a normal and basically healthy phenomenon (pg. 75)."

This might explain why it often feels impossible to give up old, destructive habits. Many of us are unwilling or unable to suffer through the pain associated with giving up our eating disorders. Consequently we cling, sometimes forever, to old thinking patterns which of course keeps us sick.

A few months back I did a post on the Washout Phase, where patients often feel like they have hit a brick wall in recovery and they begin to question whether or not changing is worth it. I think this depression phase of the grieving process is a huge part of the Washout Phase. The good news is, however, once I pushed through that depression phase, I had my "ah-ha" moment and realized there was no turning back.

In a way, living with an eating disorder is like living with death. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was slowly killing myself. Everyday that I spent caught up in my ED, a small part of my soul was taken away. I became emotionless, vacant, and somewhat unaware of the world around me. Nothing mattered except my rigid routine.

Losing something we have grown to love is not easy and unfortunately many of us have to go through a phase of depression in order to get to the other side; however, keep in mind this part of recovery is completely normal. If you find yourself in that depression phase at this moment, remind yourself that not only is it necessary to heal, but it will also pass.

Making the choice to stop living with death (my eating disorder) was one of the most difficult things I have ever done; but one year later, regardless of the pain, it is clearly the best decision I will ever make.

Progress.

"I Wouldn't Want To Be Any Thinner"

Last night something really, really strange happened. After finishing my night snack, brushing my teeth, and putting my pj's on, I looked in the mirror and thought... brace yourself... 

"I wouldn't want to be any thinner." 

What?!

I immediately picked up my phone and bragged to my best friend. That was a huge moment for me. Even if I don't feel that way today or again anytime soon, I think it's a good idea for me recognize the importance of that moment. If I can think it once, then there is a good chance I can feel that way again in the future. 

Being content with my current weight is not something I have ever been able to do. Like ever. I remember thinking last night about how sick I must have looked xx pounds ago. It's hard for me to even picture myself that way anymore. In my opinion, having a positive body image (even if only for one night) means some of those self-destructive thoughts have been changed into happy, healthy self thoughts. I honestly didn't know if this would ever happen.

This post is short and sweet, but just as important as any other post. I am marking this "I wouldn't want to be any thinner" day down on my calender!

Progress.

Unstable & Messy

“I seem less stable and more messy when I’m really getting better because I’m breaking down the facade of perfectionism and denial.” 

This just might be my new favorite quote of all time and I'm a quote-lover so this is kind of a big deal.

 

When I first entered treatment and began the recovery process, I did feel - for lack of a better word - crazy. The shock of ending all eating disordered and other destructive behaviors left me to deal with all of my underlying issues that I had been avoiding for years. My identity felt like it was being stolen from me. Who was I without an eating disorder? 

And let's not forget that I was hospitalized, which of course meant I had to be messy and unstable. Deep down I knew I needed help and recovery forced me to face my broken soul. The temper tantrums and nonstop crying were proof that I must really need to be in this loony bin. There are many days during recovery where the inability to control my emotions has made me cynical of the whole process. 

As difficult as it may be to understand, in the beginning of recovery, life with the eating disorder does seem better than life without it. 

But don't be fooled. 

By slowly beginning to break down that facade of perfectionism, a much more carefree life is left to be discovered. Without my eating disorder, I often felt lost and completely exposed to the world around me, but sometimes a shock like that is needed in order to jump start such a daunting process. Sometimes we do need to take a few steps back before we can take a step forward.

By letting go of perfectionism, I have been forced to see the world in shades of gray. Over the years I have become an expert at being self critical when I do not meet my own standards, so learning to express kindness toward myself has been completely foreign at times. In order to let go of my perfectionistic thoughts I have been forced to become aware of my self critical thoughts, practice self compassion, and examine my irrational fears of failure. None of these things happens over night, but I have found that after that "crazy stage" my inner perfectionist has slowly eased up.

Denial - For so long I was being unrealistic about my eating disorder even though it was clear to others that I was struggling. In order to face my denial I had to be honest about my emotions for the first time in my life. At first I remember feeling guilty for allowing myself to reach such an incredible low and it was simply easier to deny, ignore, and refuse to believe I needed help. Just like my perfectionism, with time as I slowly faced my past, that denial was lifted.

Recovery is a messy process and I have learned that it is perfectly okay (and normal) to feel worse before it is possible to feel better. It is important to remember that the only way to begin self discovery is to face the aspects of life holding us back. Most importantly, I am pretty excited to finally see that I am not less stable or messier than anyone else on the road to self discovery - thanks to my new favorite quote.

Progress.

Should I Say Something?

 

Kelsi, in your opinion should a person say something to an individual who is obviously severely underweight? Some expression of concern? I’m not talking about a perfect stranger, but maybe a coworker, or a not-too-close friend. You’ve written a lot about denial; are any comments useful or just alienating? And, if so, what approach would you recommend?

Yesterday I received this question on my previous post. As I began typing a response, it dawned on me how many possible answers there are to this question. Depending on the person or situation an individual may be highly offended or feel relieved if questioned about their weight. 

I posted this question in one of the eating disorder support groups I am a part of and asked for others thoughts on the topic. Here are some of the responses I received:

 "I might not directly say something, but vaguely show interest in them, reach out to ask how they are doing often and be genuine about it."

"Show concern without mentioning weight—that puts them in defense."

"I think I would start with trying to make sure it wasn't a health problem first. Maybe if the person was ill they would feel self conscious about having their weight pointed out to them. It should be clear that the person was coming from a place of caring and compassion and not criticism."

"I don’t think it’s ever okay to bring someone’s body size up in conversation, even if it’s out of genuine and loving concern."

In my opinion, I actually think it is best to say something. The individual most likely will not be accepting, due to that denial, but completely ignoring the problem is not the answer either. Even if the person does not seem to be listening, you would still be providing a level of comfort by reaching out. If the person does eventually decide they want to get help, then at least they know you are willing to listen. However, with the input from the comments above, I would be cautious about directly mentioning their weight. 

The most frustrating part of recovery from an eating disorder is every case is incredibly different. What works for one person generally will not work for another. While some people might be offended by your concern, others (myself included) will be grateful that someone took the time to reach out. For years I felt as though I was not sick enough because no one said anything. In my mind, my problems were constantly being swept under the rug and it was hurtful.

Denial is absolutely an issue to be considered here. If someone had expressed concern towards me, for example, I would have pretended everything was going well and assured them I was fine, but deep down would have felt angry with myself for letting it get that bad. There is also a good chance the person in question is already aware of their issues and would feel alienated when the topic is brought up. 

There are many sides to this question, but I think the bottom line is: expressing genuine concern without the mention of weight might be the way to go. Making sure the person is actually sick and not just naturally thin is a good idea, too. In my opinion, ignoring the problem only creates greater stigma around eating disorders. Although the individual may not be accepting in the moment, deep down they will appreciate knowing someone does care. 

Not sure if this answered your question or not, Aunt Judy, but hopefully it helped you understand the eating disordered thought process. There might not be a perfect answer here due to the individual nature of eating disorders, but expressing a little kindness never hurts. In my opinion, anytime someone speaks up against eating disorders or shows support, we are taking a step forward.

Progress.

Wanting an Eating Disorder

Earlier this spring on my flight home from a trip down south, a young man sat next to me and started up a friendly conversation. He asked what I was studying in school and I told him I am going into social work specializing in eating disorders. To my surprise he chuckled and said, "I need to get one of those."

Dumbfounded, I politely smiled and did my best to hide my angry eyes as he continued, "Sometimes I think that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. All I do is eat. I really need to get an eating disorder"

To most people this might sound like a careless joke, but as you can probably guess, I did not find this humorous at all. For the rest of the flight, my mind was off in eating disorder land. Before I truly developed my eating disorder, I remember thinking that I, too, wanted an eating disorder. There was a period of time when I would rip pictures of thin celebrities out of magazines and keep them in a folder as reminders of the "perfect" body. 

Unlike many anorexia patients, my eating disorder began with a series of binges. Those women in the magazine pictures were able to control their eating habits and I desperately wanted the same thing. The perfectionist in me was ready to do whatever it took to achieve that perfect body. A part of me wanted to stand out from the rest of my family and developing an eating disorder seemed to be the obvious solution.

A friend of mine from treatment had a somewhat similar experience. She was born a pastor's daughter and became tired of constantly trying to fit the perfect image everyone expected her to portrait. Possibly as a way to rebel against her family's ideal image, she desperately began to want something to be wrong with her. She, too, believed that developing an eating disorder would fill the holes in her heart. The eating disorder would allow her to slowly waste away and she would no longer needed to fill the perfect child role. 

Recently I have also been hearing about many young people who think an eating disorder would provide an escape from their everyday problems. To make matters worse, some individuals believe that because they wanted to develop an eating disorder, they do not deserve equal treatment. For years I have struggled to find a meaning behind the development of my eating disorder after growing up in a seemingly perfect household. Without any obvious answers, I believed that I was unworthy of treatment. If I was able to put myself in this situation, I should be able to get myself out - right? Unfortunately, eating disorders don't work that way.

Regardless of how or why an eating disorder is developed, the important thing is to understand that everyone is deserving of treatment.

To some, like the gentleman on my flight, developing an eating disorder might be a joke, but to others this is a very serious issue. In the moment, eating disorders might seem like the perfect solution but they are only a temporary fix. In the long run, my eating disorder only created a tremendous amount of pain for me and those who cared for me most.

As much as I hate to admit it, there was a time in my life when I truly wanted an eating disorder. It may have taken me a long time to understand that although I (partly) brought this upon myself, I am still worthy of receiving the help I deserve. I am no longer searching for the reason behind my eating disorder. What's done is done. The only thing I am focused on now is my future in recovery.

Progress.

Trusting the Process

When I first entered treatment I spent a good 8-10 weeks stuck in the "these people can't make me gain THAT much weight" mindset. During those first few weeks, I tried to cheat the weight gain process any way I could. Treatment centers often deal with patients hiding food, purging in secrecy, abusing laxatives, or over exercising regardless of the rules set by the treatment team.

As much as I hate to admit it, I embarrassingly attempted (and failed) one or more of the symptoms listed above multiple times. It was infuriating because I knew if I ever wanted to recover, it was absolutely necessary to STOP those behaviors and give up all means of control. The eating disorder voices in my head were telling me to continue having symptoms and keep my weight under control, and although my healthy brain was always fighting, it never seemed to beat out those ED voices.  

One of my recovery buddies is currently on the verge of trusting the process, but every time she tries to act in healthy manner those eating disorder voices take over. Yesterday she said this to me in regards to her current struggle to quit over exercising,  

"It was hard, because initially it was really nice to be outside and getting fresh air and walking (all of which I love) but then when she (her dog) started to turn back, my ED started to stress... "we'd only JUST got out here, we'd barely walked at all... it wasn't even HALF of what I'd normally do in the morning walk to school and it was a snail pace instead of a power-march."

Although she really, really wants to cut back on the exercise, every time she attempts to do so, those eating disorder voices tell her she's a lazy failure. Her best intentions to begin trusting the recovery process are not given the credit they deserve. More often than not, a few failed attempts are mandatory before a healthy behavior begins to emerge.

In order to fully trust, one must walk blindly into a situation. Trust is not something that can be developed overnight. Years of self-destructive thoughts have a sneaky way of over staying their welcome. Slowly as I began to let go of my eating disordered behaviors, one by one, I began to build that trust a little higher.

Another huge component of trusting the process was learning to let go of my eating disorder identity. And I mean really let go. I had to stomp on it, run it over with my car, throw it in the trash, and smash it with a hammer every opportunity I had. A past therapist of mine always told me to get angry at my ED and talk back to it. Having a few "I'm not listening to you today, eating disorder" phrases prepared ahead of time helped me fight off those voices. In fact, I still have to use some of those phrases on a daily basis.

Recovery is a long, exhausting process. Mistakes are inevitable. Sometimes I really have had to take two (or three or four) steps backwards in order to take one measly step forward. There are many days when I am pissed off at the recovery process and would much rather stay in bed for the rest of my life. Perfection does not and never will exist. Trust is huge leap of faith.

No wonder trusting the process takes so much time. Once I was able to achieve that trust, however, I finally realized there was no turning back.

Progress.

What is Normal Eating Anyway?

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of my day in our garden putting my green thumb to work. I've never been much of an outdoorsy girl or been able to keep plants alive, but for some reason I felt the need to give it a try. Surprisingly, my little outdoor adventure turned into a bit of a triggering situation as planting a bunch of vegetables brought back memories of my old, disordered diet.

To say my diet had become unreasonably rigid before I entered treatment would be an understatement. As I ironically began culinary school, one of the many ways I began to cut out food groups was to become a vegetarian. After learning about the appalling farming monopolies our country is currently practicing - thank you, Monsanto - I also began a local-foods-only diet. The local food movement is trendy in the culinary world right now after all, so it only made sense for me to jump on the bandwagon. Now add in my excuses to avoid anything containing high fructose corn syrup, food dyes, or any other ingredient I didn't recognize, and you can begin to understand the strict guidelines of my diet.

In my mind, surrounding myself with culinary geniuses gave me the perfect excuse to become a "food snob," even though it was literally killing me.

The treatment center I spent six months in, however, was on the complete opposite end of the food spectrum. Because they believed in the calorie counting meal planning strategy, every food I ate during my stay was packaged (as a way to easily count calories). Fresh fruits and veggies were off limits because they did not have an exact calorie count. Every time I go back to my treatment center to guest speak, we always have a good laugh as we think back to my first day and the impressive temper tantrum I threw after learning what I would be expected to eat. There was no way in hell those people were going to force me to consume those packaged products. I didn't even consider that to be "real food" at the time.

Occasionally I would have the option to plan frozen vegetables and dried fruits into my meal plan as long as they were perfectly measured. At one point, we all joked that planning anything healthy into our daily regimen was pointless because those low calorie foods took up too much room in our already bulging stomachs. After a few months, not only did I finally give into eating poptarts and little debbies on a daily basis, but I actually began to (I can't believe I'm saying this...) enjoy it.

(Let me just say that eating this way is definitely NOT recommended for healthy individuals. For eating disorder patients, however, it does not matter where the calories are coming from as long as the number being consumed is enough. Also, by constantly facing my fear foods, I was able to learn that I can eat "unhealthy" foods (in moderation) without gaining weight.)

Although I have been home for quite a few months now, I still struggle with estimating calories sometimes. Fruits and vegetables have made their way back into my diet, but I still get a little weird about having to ballpark those calories. The calorie counting meal panning strategy definitely works during the refeeding process, but its inflexibility makes it difficult to move away from after leaving treatment.

Like many things in life, I am currently searching for a place of balance with my food choices. Spending time in the garden yesterday did make me crave those super clean meals and even made me feel a little guilty for my recent "unhealthy" food choices. Those "I just want to eat like a normal person" thoughts were relentless as I angrily dug a hole for each plant. Maybe being alone in a garden with my thoughts wasn't the best idea I have ever had. 

 The optimist in me, on the other hand, is searching for the benefits of my current meal planning state. Most importantly, I have maintained my current weight since the day I left treatment, so that proves to me that meal planning actually does work. Also, I finally believe there is no such thing as a good food or a bad food. As long as I stay within my calorie limits I can eat whatever I want.

Sometimes I forget that my dietary needs are different than the "normal" person at this stage in my recovery. Every time I turn on the TV or listen to the radio I am bombarded with weight loss ads. Living in a society that places such a huge emphasis on being fit is aggravating. Eating disorder or not, the simple task of fueling our body has turned into something much more complex.

Yes, gardening was a little triggering yesterday, but it might actually be exactly what I need to break my strict meal plan. Growing a few of my own plants will allow me to enjoy a bit of moderation in my diet. I never thought I'd be trying to ADD fruits and veggies to my diet, but here we are.

My eating habits might never be completely normal, but who can honestly say they have a perfect relationship with food? Does normal eating even exist anymore? Maybe I'm not so weird after all.

Progress.

Unexpected Triggers (Part 2)

 This week was the start of my summer semester. With the start of any new situation, we are faced with new people, new expectations, and potentially new triggers. Like many of my posts, I was not sure if I should write about this, however, it has been almost 24 hours since I was in class and this situation is still on my mind.

I will just be blunt about it - There is an individual in my class, who of course decided to sit directly in front of me, that is clearly emaciated. Over the past year or so, I have become aware that people do have different body types and some people are lucky enough to be naturally thin. This person, on the other hand, looks sick. Whether this person has an eating disorder or not is none of my business, but it definitely does distract me from listening to the professor's lecture.

For the most part, I am heartbroken at the sight of this and hoping my assumptions are dead wrong. A very small part of me, however, is jealous enough to feel triggered. I realize that feeling the slightest bit of envy towards this person is silly. A good chunk of my life was spent in that living hell, so why would I feel this way? 

As I was laying in bad last night, I realized that I am not necessarily envious of this person's weight, but more so of the control she has over her life; even if it is a false sense of control. In the twisted mindset that comes with an eating disorder, I find myself longing for that feeling of numbness. Rather than feeling disappointment, heartbreak, loneliness, or anger, this person keeps her emotions in check at all times. A part of me is also reminded of the high my eating disorder gave me. For once in my life, I felt worthy because I could control my weight and now that is gone. The "who am I without my eating disorder?" thoughts have returned.

Thankfully after a good nights rest, I woke up this morning with a different perspective on the situation. Although it would be nice to avoid uncomfortable emotions, that would also mean I would not know how to experience the good emotions. During my eating disorder I was so detached from my emotions that as I began recovery, experiencing joy and happiness felt extremely foreign. Somehow I felt like I was doing something wrong by actually feeling my feelings. Now, a year into my recovery, I often feel obnoxiously happy. Without years of pain, I would not be able to take advantage of all of the beauty left in my life.

Although it also felt nice to have some control over my weight and other situations in my life, I have finally reached a point where I can see the opposite was true - my eating disorder was controlling me. Eating disorder patients often refer to that high they get from feeling "empty" or binging and purging, but I can finally see that those supposed highs don't compare to the joyful highs I now feel in my everyday life.

Next Tuesday when I have this class again, I know the individual who sits in front of me will be somewhat of a distraction. Luckily for me, however, I can choose to view the situation however I want. This will not be the last time I will encounter someone who physically appears to have an eating disorder, but that does not mean I need to let it affect me. Once again, I will emphasize that I am making assumptions and I could be completely wrong about this person's heath; that doesn't make it any less triggering though.

Like I have said a million times before, triggers will always be there, it's how we choose to deal with them that pushes us further into recovery.

Progress.

P.S. Last January I wrote a post called Unexpected Triggers, which is why this is Part 2. After rereading the original post this morning, it's exciting to see the change in myself after a few short months. I think that deserves another... Progress. :)

Food-Related Baggage

"It would be awesome if all of our

unique food-related baggage were something

we could eventually abandon

like so much unclaimed luggage at an airport

in some distant city.

Unfortunately it tends to find us wherever we go,

no matter how many times we assert

that we’ll never put on that

stupid ugly self-hating dress ever again.

Backsliding is inevitable

and it is okay when it happens;

disordered eating patterns don’t evolve

because a person is unintelligent or lazy,

they evolve as coping mechanisms

and even survival tactics.

We can’t expect ourselves to just forget the means

by which we’ve managed to get through the hard stuff,

because in most of our lives the hard stuff doesn’t stop coming

just because we’ve made efforts to address

an eating disorder or any other addictive behavior."

I stumbled across this quote sometime last fall (and I honestly don't know the source), but it seems to hold a much stronger meaning with me now than it did back then.

Recovery is difficult for many of us because we are forced to unlearn our old coping mechanisms and then slowly learn new, healthy coping mechanisms. Anytime a person practices something for an extended period of time, such as an eating disorder, it simply becomes second nature.

During the time of my eating disorder, I often felt that others saw me as unintelligent or lazy because I remained stuck in a self-destructive cycle. Why couldn't I just STOP?!

Life never stops and it is constantly changing. Although many of us with eating disorders do our best to avoid change, it is impossible to do so without consequences. So, even though food-related baggage isn't something we can necessarily abandon, through recovery, however, we are given daily opportunities to deal with it in a much healthier manner.

Progress.

Choosing Recovery

"The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don’t want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy."
-Carrie Arnold

Two nights ago I read this post called "What it Means to Choose Recovery" written by Carrie Arnold on her blog "ED Bites," (which is the most brilliant eating disorder blog ever) and it got me thinking about my own recent choices in recovery.

As much as I hate to admit this, over the past 3 weeks my weight has progressively decreased. Nothing serious, I'm still in my range, but enough to make me stop and reflect on what has changed.

Today is the last day of my semester. YAY! However, with the stress of finals, an exciting guest speaking opportunity coming up, pressures to find a summer job, trying to figure out the ridiculously stupid student loan process, a few personal relationships coming to an end, and a lack of sleep, I feel a little shaken.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention recovery, the most important thing on my to-do list is always on my mind as well.

I am quickly discovering there is a really tricky place in recovery where even though I want to live "normally," I also need to make sure I remember to constantly choose recovery. As Carrie Arnold said, recovery is a choice I need to make multiple times a day, and for me, I am learning, this is especially important when life gets busy. The scary thing is, however, life is only going to get busier as I continue to recover making my choices even more important.

Recently choosing to focus on "life" has come before recovery. My meal planning has slipped a little and as the scale has shown, it's affecting my weight. I can't tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just eat and deal with stress like normal people?" It's frustrating.

Sometimes I forget to remember that even though my life is slowly piecing itself back together, I am still in recovery. It's kind of scary how quickly those eating disordered thoughts creep up and how easy it is to miss a few calories here and there because I am "too busy" or "too stressed." Luckily, I have a choice. The choice of recovery.

The bottom line is, choosing recovery - a million times a day if needed - comes first. Period. Life will always "throw me curve balls" as my dad would say, but unless I am taking care of myself none of that other stuff matters. 

Progress.

Failure

FAILURE:

1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends
2. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short
3. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - the first time I went to CMU I failed out. Yes, little-miss-goodie-two-shoes Kelsi failed out of school. 

At that time in my life, I began feeling my social anxiety take over and as I continued to skip class, the isolation became my go-to coping mechanism. My eating disorder became more important than my grades. Every time I sat down to study I became so overwhelmed that I would throw in the towel before I even got started. There were countless mornings where I would drive to class, but found myself unable to get out of the car.

I ran away from everything and everyone during those years.

Without any other options, I applied to culinary school and luckily they accepted everyone regardless of past school experiences and GPA. With all of my guilt and shame from being a failure still riding heavily on my shoulders, I decided running away from my problems was the answer. Looking back on it all now, however, I see moving/running to Traverse City was only a temporary solution to many unresolved issues and in the long run it only escalated my disorder.

While my years in Traverse City did have some great moments, I could never truly enjoy them because there was always a little voice in the back of my head screaming "FAILURE!" My eating disorder became the only thing I felt truly successful in; everything else was there to cover up my guilt.

 Now that I have been through treatment for my eating disorder and am trying to get my life back on track, I find myself facing many of my past failures. This week is finals week and every time I sit down to study, I face my fear of failing.

But maybe they weren't failures at all. 

Maybe my past is just a small part of my story.

Maybe failure is the only way to grow.

Maybe failure is a huge part of success.

Maybe if I can convince myself that I needed to go through those difficult times to become the person I am today, then I won't view my past as one big failure. Sometimes we really do need to go through the rough times before we can appreciate the joyful times.

This week as I take my finals and finish up my first (in many ways) successful semester, I know I will be reminded of my past failures. Instead of piling on more guilt, like I have done in the past, I think it's time to remove a little of that weight from my shoulders.

This semester as I take my finals, I can breathe a little easier knowing my past failures have fueled countless positive changes in my life.

Progress.

Happiness

This week has been a little hectic with the semester coming to an end (already!) and my seemingly out of control emotions getting in the way of my happiness. On Tuesday night I found myself frantically cleaning my room and gutting out my closet instead of getting my school work done. Also, I caught myself occasionally letting out screams of rage for no particular reason. I guess if I am going to choose an avoidance mechanism, cleaning is the way to go, but don't let me lead you astray - school work should always come first.

Anyways, late last night on a study break, I found this poem. Sometimes tiny burst of inspiration, like this poem, find us at just the right moment if we take the time to notice them.


"Happiness is a kind of openness, we have learned.
So choose the risky road of power and vulnerability.
Be done with dull things.
Take your life back.

Free yourself from habits of anger and compliance—smoking self-destruction.
Eyes wide open to the world as it is, we grieve.
And in the midst of it all, we rejoice…
We have been told that liberty and happiness are mutually exclusive. 

This notion we reject. 

We can write our own scripts, write our own stories.
We can follow the threads of joy, too,
like sparks flying from the campfire, see where they land.

 We can create a liberation psychology.

So we open to love or work or art that feels expansive.
There is no “happily ever after.”
There is only meditation, action, change, friendship, idea, inspiration, creation.
We spin this light out of darkness."

—bluebird, Ariel Gore

Yes, this week has been stressful, exhausting, and emotional, but that doesn't mean there isn't still time to notice all of the reasons I still have to be happy.

Progress.

Body Acceptance

Like I mentioned in an earlier post, my family has been coming to this same vacation spot in St. Augustine for years. Thinking back, I can't think of one year that I felt comfortable in my swimsuit. Every year I went on a spring break diet and exercise plan, but it only seemed to make me more self conscious. Meals were always dreaded because I knew eating would leave me feeling bloated and disgusting. 

One year I became so starved (or emotional, I'm not sure. Maybe both.) that I stole a jar of peanut butter and a half eaten box of crackers from the pantry and ate nearly all of it in secrecy. This incident was before my purging days, so I was forced to endure the guilt involved with binging. My entire trip was ruined as a result because I thought I was fat. I remember feeling really irritated with my family members who could eat three meals a day, plus snacks and still feel comfortable in their own skin. It did not make any sense to me. 

It's difficult for me to believe that I am even saying this, but for the past three days I have gone for walks on the beach wearing only my swimsuit. Before leaving for this trip, I was scared to death to simply buy a swimsuit and I hadn't even considered actually wearing it in public.

Here's the craziest part of all - I felt more confident in my suit this year than I ever have in my entire life. As I was walking, I kept thinking of all of the amazing things my body has done for me: It has recovered from a state of self-starvation, it has allowed my metabolism to work normally again, it has helped my bones grow strong again, and most importantly, it has allowed me to feel happiness again. I wasn't worrying about whether or not my body looked perfect - because we all know it never will - instead I was feeling proud of the hard work that has allowed me to enjoy those moments.

  

Body acceptance is a state of mind that I never thought I could reach. Ironically, however, now that I have been at a healthy weight for an extended period of time, I feel more comfortable in my body than I ever did while I was sick. My body image was actually worse 50lbs ago than it is right now.

 

My metabolism has also fired up again. Although it does take time and continuous eating to help the metabolism work properly again, it does happen. When I was restricting my calories, my body would cling onto every morsel of food I did feed it because it didn't know when it would receive fuel again, which causes the awful bloating. By eating regularly, however, not only do I feel better mentally and physically, the bloating has also gone away. My body has re-learned how to digest food - YAY! 

This is a huge step for me. By facing my fear of looking fat in my swimsuit on the beach, I have found a new sense of body acceptance. Amazingly, one year ago, my biggest fear was weight gain and here I am feeling better than ever before in my own skin. 

Progress.

Rain, Rain Go Away...

For the past five days we have seen nothing but heavy rain and occasional sleet. For the next five days, the forecast is predicting nothing but heavy rain and occasional sleet. 

Back when I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I used to crave rainy days. When the weather was gloomy, I didn't feel as much pressure to put on a happy face; it was a perfect excuse to sleep the day away, and I could blame my low mood on the weather. Rainy days bring out my depression, which isn't something I talk about very often. 

Depression and anxiety are often two of the most common underlying issues associated with eating disorders and I was no stranger to either of them. While anxiety was (and still is) typically a much bigger issue for me, depression always found a way to sneak up on me when I least expected it. Initially, before I was diagnosed or treated for an eating disorder, I was prescribed anti-depressants; like taking pills would magically solve all of my problems.

One of my favorite quotes about depression comes from a book I read years ago: Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love." I read this book very recently after being diagnosed with depression and this quote about depression and loneliness has stuck with me ever since;

“They flank me-Depression on my left, loneliness on my right. They don't need to show their badges. I know these guys very well. ...then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that... But he [Depression] just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.”

While stuck in a bought of depression, it can feel absolutely hopeless and as Gilbert describes, it often confiscates my identity. Some of the most common depression symptoms include: lack of interest, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, insomnia or excessive sleeping, change in appetite, and persistent aches and pains, to name a few.

Eating disorders and depression are a deadly combination. Being severely underweight and malnourished can cause psychological changes to the brain that have been proven to negatively affect mood. Perfectionistic tendencies and feelings of inadequacy, which I have discussed multiple times on this blog, only add to the fire, making those depressive thoughts even worse.

Depression is just one of the many mental health disorders commonly involved with eating disorders; obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar, borderline personality, and panic disorders may be involved as well. In addition, substance abuse, self harm, and even potential suicidal behaviors are coexisting issues and can all lead to depression and anxiety; making the recovery process that much more difficult.

The mental health world is a scary one for most people, myself included. By admitting that I do struggle with depression, anxiety and substance abuse, in addition to my eating disorder leaves me feeling self indulgent and weak; once again adding to the depression fire.

The good news is, however, I have learned that mental health disorders are nothing to be ashamed of. I have been shocked multiple times to find out people I would never expect, also struggle with similar issues. Just like I would never treat someone suffering from cancer with disrespect, I should never be disrespectful towards myself and my issues.

Eating disorders are the number one cause of death among all mental health disorders. This is not a matter that should be taken lightly.

Thanks to this rain, I have been constantly reminded of my old depressive ways. Although there is still nothing better than a nap in the rain, my depression no longer jumps for joy on rainy days. Depression might occasionally sneak up on me from time to time, but I no longer feel the need to spend my entire day indulging.

Yes, this weather is awful, but today I am choosing to snuggle up with a big mug of hot cocoa, my girl, Muzzy, and enjoy feeling cozy- rather than depressed.

Progress.

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After Awhile You Learn...

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

—Veronica Shoffstall

Recovery, I have learned, is a never ending learning process and I don't intend on stopping anytime soon.

Progress. 

Swimsuit Shopping

In a week and a half I am heading to Florida for some much needed relaxation and sunshine. For five days straight, I have nothing planned except getting a start on my summer tan. What could be better than that?

The only downside to my mini vacation, however, is trying to find a swimsuit. For obvious reasons, my suit from last year does not even come close to fitting and I'm pretty sure I threw it out sometime last fall. For the lucky few people who actually enjoy swimsuit shopping, I seriously envy you. For the rest of us, on the other hand, it can be one of the most dreaded days of the year. After recently gaining a significant amount of weight, I wasn't even sure if I had the guts to enter a fitting room to begin the process of finding the right fit. 

Earlier this week, to my surprise, I did find the courage to do a little swimsuit shopping. Over the past few months, I have learned some great shopping strategies to help keep my body image in check. My favorite is to grab a bunch of different sizes, bring them to the fitting room, try them on WITHOUT looking at the tag, and just go with the one that fits the best.

If I am being completely honest, I had planned on buying a one-piece to cover up my new shape. Thankfully as I was looking at the suits, however, I decided I was way too young to go for the one-piece. 

After trying on what felt like every single suit in the store, ironically, I went with the very first one I tried on. Why does that always seem to happen? It fit perfectly, it is my favorite color, pink, and it is a size XL.  

Yes, I did stupidly give in and look at the size on the tag, which almost gave me heart attack. Am I really a size XL?! 

Am I crazy for posting these pictures? Absolutely.

Is my body at a healthy weight? Yup.

Did I spend hours in the gym before swimsuit shopping? I haven't worked out in over a year.

Do I eat Reese's peanut-butter cups everyday? Religiously.

Am I 45-50 pounds heavier than the last time I wore a swimsuit? Yes.

Does it matter? Not at all.

For the first time in a decade, I am not obsessing about the amount of weight I want to lose before spring break. The swimsuit I bought fits my body now, rather than the body I dream of having; even if it is an XL.

When I was underweight and very sick, I always wondered why they even made bikinis above a size small. As I type that now, I realize how incredibly ridiculous and flat out rude that sounds, but when I was sick, I honestly did not understand how anyone above a size 2 could feel comfortable in a swimsuit.

As much as I was dreading swimsuit shopping, it actually turned out to be somewhat of a turning point in my recovery. I know I have said it a million times and even wear a bracelet that says "numbers do not define me," but for the first time I really, truly believe it. In this particular swimsuit, I'm a size XL and - dare I say it - I feel pretty darn good in it.

(Serious) Progress.

 

Thinking Errors

In my fist class yesterday, I found out my English teacher wants to keep my final research paper for an example to use for future classes. As I walked to my next class, I felt like I was on top of the world and couldn't stop smiling at random people (who probably thought I was crazy). The sun was shining and life was good.

In my second class, however, I had a lab exam that I had spent hours studying for, but ended up getting a not-so-good grade. Before I even turned the exam in, I knew it was not my best work and the self critical thoughts immediately out numbered my "I feel smart" thoughts from the class before. As I got in my car to drive home, the need for my afternoon nap hit me pretty hard. I immediately crawled into my bed when I got home and let myself drown in the negatives.

The most frustrating thing is, I knew exactly what I was doing. In that moment, I was allowing a thinking error to dictate my mood. After years of therapy, I am finally realizing when I am engaging in a few of the most common thinking errors.

Thinking errors, also known as cognitive distortions, are extremely common in people who suffer from anxiety or depression; which are typically underlying issues for an eating disorder. By engaging in thinking errors, I am allowing myself to believe something that isn't even true. Once I start going along with these thinking errors, I begin that downward mental spiral that I always refer to in my posts. 

Sadly, after many years of engaging in thinking errors, I have become very good at believing they are true. The first step in changing this problem is to recognize them when they happen; so I made a list (from an old worksheet I was given in treatment) of some of the most common thinking errors:

Mental Filter:

Mental filtering is when we focus exclusively on the most negative and upsetting features of a situation, filtering out all of the more positive aspects. For example, my day yesterday; I received a huge compliment on my research paper, but completely forgot about it after bombing my lab exam.

"All-or-nothing" Thinking:

“All or nothing” thinking is when we see things purely in “black-or-white”. These types of thoughts are characterized by terms such as “always”, “never” or “every”. Everything is seen as “good or bad”, “successes or failures” and it is generally the negative perspective that is more readily endorsed, ignoring the shades of gray that lie in between. An example of this, would be me feeling guilty for not getting 100% on a test and thinking of myself as a failure (which also happened yesterday).

Overgeneralization:

Someone thinking in an over generalizing way will often see a single unpleasant incident or event as evidence of “everything being negative”. If something bad happens then it will be seen as part of a never-ending pattern of negativity and defeat. A bad job interview or a bad date, for example, might lead someone to believe they will never get a job or fall in love. 

Jumping to Conclusions:

An individual who ‘jumps to conclusions’ will often make a negative interpretation or prediction even though there is no evidence to support their conclusion. This type of thinking is often made when thinking about how others feel towards us and is often divided into two categories: 

        -Mind Reading: Assuming the thoughts and intentions of others.

       - Fortune-telling: Anticipating the worse and taking that as fact.

Magnifying/Minimizing:

Thinking in a magnifying or minimizing manner is when we exaggerate the importance of negative events and minimize or down-play the importance of positive events. In depressed individuals, it is often the positive characteristics of other people that are exaggerated and negatives understated.

Personalization: 

A person engaging in personalization will automatically assume responsibility and blame for the cause of negative events that are not under their control.  

"Shoulds" & "Oughts" 

Individuals thinking in “shoulds”, ‘oughts” or “musts” have an ironclad view of how they and others ‘should’ and ‘ought’ to be. These rigid views or rules can generate feels of anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment and guilt if not followed.

Emotional Reasoning:
Emotional reasoning is when we assume feelings reflect fact regardless of the evidence– “I feel it, therefore it must be true”. “If I feel ugly and stupid, then I must actually be ugly and stupid” or “I feel guilty, therefore I must have done something bad and be a bad person”.

By taking the time to recognize these thinking errors, I am also giving myself an opportunity to change the way I react to them. In yesterday's situation, I could have reminded myself of the nearly perfect grade I received on my English paper and focused on that instead. Our brains are extremely powerful tools, but it's also important to remember that not everything we believe is true.

Next time something like this happens, I will do my best to recognize my thinking errors and move on with my day. Sounds simple enough, right?

Progress.