"I Wouldn't Want To Be Any Thinner"

Last night something really, really strange happened. After finishing my night snack, brushing my teeth, and putting my pj's on, I looked in the mirror and thought... brace yourself... 

"I wouldn't want to be any thinner." 

What?!

I immediately picked up my phone and bragged to my best friend. That was a huge moment for me. Even if I don't feel that way today or again anytime soon, I think it's a good idea for me recognize the importance of that moment. If I can think it once, then there is a good chance I can feel that way again in the future. 

Being content with my current weight is not something I have ever been able to do. Like ever. I remember thinking last night about how sick I must have looked xx pounds ago. It's hard for me to even picture myself that way anymore. In my opinion, having a positive body image (even if only for one night) means some of those self-destructive thoughts have been changed into happy, healthy self thoughts. I honestly didn't know if this would ever happen.

This post is short and sweet, but just as important as any other post. I am marking this "I wouldn't want to be any thinner" day down on my calender!

Progress.

One Year Sober

Today I am one year sober.

A part of me didn't even want to publish this post because I still feel ashamed that I even have to admit such a thing. How did I allow my life to get so out of control that I have a one year sober anniversary? A younger version of myself would have never in a million years believed that I would have gotten in legal trouble. Period. So getting into legal trouble with alcohol still sounds like a big fat lie to me.

Like my struggles with my eating disorder and anxiety, however, it is important for me to also develop a level of acceptance with my alcohol abuse. Hopefully this post will bring me one step closer towards ending the denial surrounding this part of my past.

These two pictures were taken exactly one year apart. The first picture is the last picture taken of me before I entered treatment and the second picture is the most recent picture of me to date. It's hard for me to believe the girl in these photos is the same person.

May 4, 2012 and May 4, 2013

I am having a difficult time formulating words to properly express how I feel after seeing these pictures next to each other. The girl in the first picture is not me. That girl was hopeless, sick of fighting, and craving her next drink. The girl in the second picture is obnoxiously happy, full of life, and ready to chase her dreams.

Recovery has given me some pretty amazing things, but my sobriety is something that I often forget to acknowledge. Somewhere along the way I developed a belief that talking about my eating disorder was more socially acceptable than my drinking problem, so I choose not to talk about it. And it's really, really embarrassing.

The day that first picture was taken is still very clear in my mind. That afternoon I had snooped around in my parent's closet looking to sneak some booze, but was unable to find any. I was desperate and weak. At the time, alcohol was the only thing that made me feel good, even if it was temporary. My weight was dangerously low and I never had any energy. I didn't want to try anymore.

 Without this year of sobriety I would not be this far along in my recovery. My hope is now that I have survived the first year, I can begin to accept my past with alcohol, too. 
 

I even made myself a cake to celebrate this special day. :)

PROGRESS.