"I'm Not Sick Enough"

Over the past year of so, while talking with people who have experienced the living hell that is an eating disorder, I can't think of one single person who ever believed they were "sick enough" to receive treatment. 

I was no exception to this mentality; even though I knew I was struggling and could not get well on my own, I never thought I was thin enough to get help. There was always going to be someone sicker, thinner, or better than me and that left me feeling unworthy. Looking back on my first day in treatment, I still didn't believe I needed to be there. I was undeserving of professional help. I could clearly see that the other patients in treatment were extremely underweight, but I never saw it in myself. Up until the very end of my downward spiral, I was still working and functioning like a normal person - well, kind of - which meant I was fine to continue living the way I was.

Now that I am in a much healthier state of mind, however, I am left wondering what exactly "sick enough" even means. What was it going to take for me to become aware of how sick I actually was?

The scary thing is, I think for some of us, death felt like the only escape at one point or another. Death was the only way to truly silence my inner critic and eating disordered mind. 

Maybe the belief of not being sick enough was actually my eating disorder's way of controlling me. If I admitted I was sick, it meant it was time to change my disordered ways and for a long, long time nothing seemed worse; not even the end of life itself. 

In my opinion, if you are sick enough to not believe you are sick enough, there is a very good chance you are sick enough to need help - if that makes any sense. It breaks my heart that so many people continue suffering because they are not the sickest eating disorder patient in the world. That "I'm not good enough" voice remains in control far longer than it should. 

For anyone reading this struggling with the dreaded "I'm not sick enough" thoughts, keep in mind just how distorted your thoughts are. If your illness is getting in the way of your life, then there is no shame in reaching out.

For me, the not "sick enough" thought was the equivalent of my not "good enough" thought. Now that I am in recovery and am learning to see the world through a healthier perspective, however, I have realized that there will always be someone smarter, prettier, and thinner than me, but doesn't mean I am inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable.

No matter how sick (or un-sick) I believed I was is irrelevant now. What matters now, is that somewhere over the course of the past year, little by little, I am learning to silence my inner critic. Recovery, for me, has been about finding the parts of myself that are good enough without my eating disorder.

Progress.