Life Goes On. People Change.

Life after treatment is such a strange place to be in life. Some days I experience all of the joy and freedom associated with no longer being a prisoner to my eating disorder and finally having the opportunity to chase my dreams. Some days, on the other hand, it feels like I am constantly being blindsided with situations and relationships that leave me feeling clueless.

One thing that I have really struggled with since the moment I stepped foot out of treatment was how to deal with the relationships I had developed while I was there. In that moment, those people were not only the best friends I had ever had, but they were also the only friends I really had at the time. 

Eating disorders are extremely manipulative when it comes to friendships; relationships in general, actually. Somehow my eating disorder made me believe that going out with friends automatically meant there would be food involved; which, of course meant I didn't feel comfortable going. My eating disorder was also very good at making me isolate as a way to "protect" myself. In my disordered mind, no one could possibly understand what I was going through, so there was no point in trying to relate to others. Most days I felt so exhausted after putting on a happy face and pretending like I had myself together, that I instantly turned into a couch potato the moment I got home. 

By the time I entered treatment, I had come close to pushing every single person in my life out of it; making the relationships I did develop in treatment feel like the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong, at the time, they were such a blessing. Like I said earlier, for the first time in my entire life, I was surrounded by people who understood me. 

After leaving treatment, however, those relationships drastically change. Some therapists even recommend immediately creating distance from those treatment relationships because people go through recovery at different rates.  Over the past few months, unfortunately, I have had my fair share of feuds and have been forced to use my voice in uncomfortable situations.

There is a constant battle between my head and my heart - do I cling to those relationships from treatment even if I feel bogged down by continuous eating disorder talk or do I move on with my life and risk being called selfish? In my heart, the people-pleaser in me wants to make everyone happy; but in my newly found logical brain, however, I know I cannot jeopardize my progress.

As a firm believer in the idea that everyone enters our lives for a reason, I tend to struggle with the part where people leave our lives; but the truth is, relationships constantly change. Although, I still find myself beating myself up, from time to time, for doing what is right for my health when it hurts others, deep down I know it is necessary.

Relationships intrigue me. Each person has their own unique story to tell. Each person has a different twist on life experiences. Whether we realize it or not, the people we surround ourselves with have the ability to greatly impact our daily decisions. My entire outlook changes when I surround myself with positive, uplifting people.

 Life goes on. People change. People are brought into our lives for a reason, only if for a short period of time. And that's okay. Not everyone I meet is meant to be in my life forever. And that's okay, too.

Recovery is all about taking care of ME. After spending years of putting others' feelings in front of my own, in order to heal, it is finally time to take care of my own feelings for a change.

Progress.