Yesterday, after putting it off for two weeks, I finally did a little birthday shopping. Many of my eating disordered behaviors began in high school and after losing a few pounds, I would treat myself to a mini shopping spree; making sure to buy the next size down. Clothes became my favorite reward for "good" behavior and a high level of control over my eating habits.
Now that I have returned to a healthy weight for my body, however, clothes and shopping have become downright depressing. Instantly, I am taken back to the days of easily slipping into the latest trends and feeling a distorted sense of confidence. Yesterday, as I was trying on much bigger sizes, only to find they were still too small, I continuously left the dressing room feeling defeated.
Immediately after returning home, I laid down and took a two hour nap; which is my go-to coping mechanism when I'm feeling down in the dumps. Instead of enjoying the first sunny day we've had all week, I allowed myself to fall victim to a bad body image day. Somewhere in the midst of trying on clothes, I allowed a meaningless number to dictate my mood.
Logically, I know better than this. The size of my clothes has absolutely nothing to do with my health, happiness, and well being; so why did I allow it to ruin my day? Before I knew it, I was beating myself up for knowing better, but not finding the strength to do anything about it. As I continued to isolate and avoid, I realized I was beating myself up for beating myself up. My head hurts just thinking about it.
Logically, I know better than this. The size of my clothes has absolutely nothing to do with my health, happiness, and well being; so why did I allow it to ruin my day? Before I knew it, I was beating myself up for knowing better, but not finding the strength to do anything about it. As I continued to isolate and avoid, I realized I was beating myself up for beating myself up. My head hurts just thinking about it.
This morning, thankfully, after a good nights rest, I can think a little bit more clearly about the situation. Yes, I had a moment (or entire day) of weakness, but the good news is, today is a brand new day. Yesterday my disordered mind won. Today, however, I refuse to let that happen.
To help make today a better body image day, I gathered 20 of my favorite positive body image affirmations:
Progress is not linear. It's normal for me to go forward, and then backwards, and then forward again.
Yesterday I experienced a moment of weakness, but today is a new day and I am making a conscious choice to give my body a little more love.
Progress.
To help make today a better body image day, I gathered 20 of my favorite positive body image affirmations:
And my very favorite:My self-worth is not determined by the number on the scale.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.
I embrace my flaws, knowing nobody is perfect.
I love _______ about the way I look.
I am grateful for all of the things my body allows me to do.
My health has allowed me to begin rebuilding my life.
The size of my jeans does not dictate happiness.
Friends and family will love me no matter what my weight is.
Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of body.
Every body is unique, special, and different.
I trust my body to use food as fuel to help keep me strong.
My flaws add character.
I have more important things to worry about than my weight.
My body deserves love.
A goal weight is an arbitrary number. How I feel is important.
I choose health and healing over diets and self punishment.
Restricting my food does not make me a better person. Being kind to myself and others makes me a better person.
If I am healthy, I am so very blessed.
There is more to life than losing weight. I am ready to experience it.
Progress is not linear. It's normal for me to go forward, and then backwards, and then forward again.
Progress.
Thank you dear for writing this today! I had a small moment of weakness yesterday as well, but today is a brand new day, the sun is shining again and it is a strong day for fighting.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
It happens- even to the best of us! I hope you have a wonderful day! <3
DeleteI totally can relate to your feelings and what you shared here. Acknowledging feelings and accepting with love (not trying to deny it) is a sign of recovery. Trying to fit into a small size when it is not meant to be is controlling, and our obsession starts... There are many others who are suffering from this disease without knowing it, and I am glad that I have had an opportunity to see there is a different and better way to do life. And, I know that's what you mean. But, you know? Sometimes, I just say out loud, "It totally sucks to try to gain weight, because I feel I am wrong for being against what the majority of the society is advocating." Then, I just keep going on my recovery journey. It's good to be honest anyway.... We don't need to be good girls always... we can be bad... you know? Lots of love and hugs~ xoxo
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know exactly what you mean. It's a really weird feeling. It's almost like either way we are wrong. But it doesn't have to be that way. As long as we keep moving towards health! <3 <3
DeleteThis was so good to read... its horrible when you feel bad for being a certain weight or number or size. cos it ISNT what defines us, we are who we are and i hate how caught up society has become on appearance and scale. who cares as long as youre healthy right?!
ReplyDeleteLoved this video too, she talks some sense doesnt she! i needed to hear that today so thankyou :)
You're welcome! I needed it, too. Society is impossible to please, so what is the point in trying? Yes, Ellen definitely knows what she is talking about- love her! :)
DeleteIn my experience clothes shopping is hard for a really, really long time in recovery. It's a body image thing that is hard to let go of...it's still hard for me sometimes.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that it's helpful to remember is that women's sizing is so messed up anyway - your size will be different by store so one particular number means very little. I also think it can be helpful to shop at places which are a little more forgiving - department stores like JC Pennys or Macys, NY & Company, Old Navy, etc. vs. stores like Forever 21, H&M, Express, etc. Also: Shopping online. Sounds risky but once you know your size, if it arrives and fits you well enough this takes the ambiguity over what looks good enough to buy.
I really like your affirmations though - it is okay to have a bad body image day every once in awhile, so long as it doesn't rule your life. :)
Thank you so much for the shopping tips! I will absolutely keep those in mind. Some of those stores - Forever21, H&M, ext. - are some of my favorites, but everything else in my life is changing, so why not change that too! It's hard for me to remember that I don't have the body of a 13 year old anymore. It's time to embrace being a woman! :)
DeleteVery nice articles
ReplyDeleteHealth Is Not A Joke