Thursday, March 20, 2014


I logged onto my blog today for the first time in 92 days to find five times more views today (and seven times more this month) than it ever did while I was writing. How is that possible? Who are you readers? 

Before I fill you in on how my life has drastically changed in the last 92 days since I published a blog post, I should probably explain why I stopped writing. Life was presenting me with new and exciting opportunities; my recovery was taking a different path. For the first year of my recovery, it was all about writing and relating to others through this blog, but I finally found myself so engulfed in the world around me that I felt I needed more than the eating disorder world. Which was weird at first, but quickly became incredibly liberating and that explains my sudden departure from the blogging world. At the same time, I was grateful for this new found sense of life and adventure. I was torn between my eating disorder self and my recovery self; but quickly learned my recovery self was kinda cool. I wanted to find her. I wanted to pursue her. It was foreign, but enticing at the same time.

So first of all, I should probably share (while blushing) that I met a boy. A really cute boy who cares about me regardless of my past. It might not be surprising that a girl from my treatment center set us up and she knew what kind of guy would be right for me. We began talking a month or two before I stopped writing. He knows all about my past and still likes me just as much as I like him. Crazy, right??!! I never thought this would happen. I never thought someone could find out about my past (and I mean all of my past) and still care about me. Never in my life will I be more happy about being proven wrong. He's a keeper! And a cutie! :)

In addition to the new boyfriend, I also transferred all of my credits, started at a new school, and moved into my own studio apartment on campus. I LOVE IT! I'm sure being out of my parents basement is a huge part of this new found independence, but I also feel like I am finally pursuing my dreams. Sure, I often feel out of place being 26 years old in an undergrad program, but it's always comforting to hear my classmates would never guess I'm that old. 

If I am being completely honest here, this semester has been incredibly challenging. I am taking eighteen credits (a full time student takes twelve) and am finally finishing up my general education credits, which means I am taking statistics, econ, politics, a basic skills English class (a university requirement) I am BEYOND qualified for, and (my one saving grace) a global cultures class. At this point in the semester I am struggling to find the motivation to finish my stats, econ, politics, and pointless English class on a strong note. Never again in my life will I use the skills and concepts being taught in these classes. EVER. 

I already have a gosh darn associates degree for goodness sakes. Why am I taking these ridiculous courses?

At the same time, however, I am learning these unfortunate circumstances are a part of life. Give me six more weeks and I will be free of those silly general required classes. It might have taken me eight years to reach this point (finishing up my gen eds), but I'm so close to the finish line! The other day my best friend reminded me that "C's equal degrees," and even though the perfectionist in me wants to scream and pull my hair out over a C, my best friend is right. My final goal is my degree and sometimes C's (especially in stats and econ) are good enough.

Let's talk about my eating habits since moving out on my own. Buying my own groceries has never been a problem, but buying them on a budget (especially with the culinary degree under my belt) has been difficult. Luckily, during my first week of classes I began craving Ramen Noodles; and that's no joke. Sure, I have days where I crave salads, but I have found a way to shop the sale prices and feed my needs. Cooking for one is difficult, don't get me wrong. Just tonight I had bacon (that was left over from the weekend and needed to be cooked) and popcorn for dinner. Do I recommend meals like that that? No way. But sometimes when you are a poor young adult, meals like that are necessary. I might even have a bowl of ice cream (my boyfriend and I bought over the weekend) before bed to assure I get my calories in. I'm learning to be flexible and that is HUGE. 

One thing that is a constant struggle for me is body image. A few weeks ago I had a bridesmaids dress fitting for my favorite cousin's (and the only sister I've ever had) wedding. Not only did I cry all the way home after the fitting but my eating disordered mind also compared my body to everyone in the wedding party's body type. Sure, I've been shopping since I left treatment, but not with a bunch of girls who have never had eating disorders. Not with girls who's boobs fit perfectly into a certain style while I still look flat-chested in comparision. Not with six other bridesmaids staring at how I fit into the dress. 

Luckily, however, we were given a choice of two different dresses and I found one that is most flattering to my figure. Even with this luxury, I still struggled with the whole experience. The alterations are coming up in a month or two and I can only imagine how difficult that will be. But, luckily, a good friend reminded me that this day is not about me. It's about the bride and her big day. If I am uncomfortable than it is not the end of the world; it is actually the goal.  
The bride is the center of attention.

So in a nutshell that's where I am today.
My best friend is still my soul mate.
I am still recovering from an eating disorder.
My weight remains constant but I still struggle with body image and anxiety.
School is crazy and will be until I graduate.
I found someone who cares for me regardless of my weight.
And I am happier than ever.

Sure, I still have plenty of life (and body image) related things to write about from time to time and I will do my best to share here on this blog, but please know I am thriving. Life is hard sometimes, but I'm happy.