Recovery has been a strange place for me over the past several weeks. Just when I thought my weight and eating habits had become somewhat normal, I dropped below the 5-7lb weight range I'm expected to maintain for the first time. There is a rumor in the ED recovery world saying emotional and mental well being are negatively affected after being just five pounds under the set point weight. I didn't believe this was true... Until now.
After getting weighed last week, I convinced myself that I felt fine at this weight and didn't understand the point in gaining those few pounds back. Just that thought alone, however, is clearly distorted. I'm in denial. Just a few pounds and I'm already feeling consumed with those unhealthy thoughts. It's a slippery slope; and for the first time I can understand how quickly a full blown relapse can happen.
Thanksgiving, as most of you know, is often one of the most difficult days of the year for those of us with or recovering from an eating disorder. Spending an entire day focusing on the massive feast always sends my anxiety through the roof. Although I am comfortable in almost all food situations these days, I still find myself uneasy on the days leading up to Turkey Day.
The good news is, once I got over my anticipatory anxiety and was finally ready to eat, my fears seemed to vanish. Maybe knowing I still need to gain a pound or two made me comfortable around all that food. Maybe I'm just making progress in those situations. Maybe it was a combination of both.
I'm thankful for the smoothest Thanksgiving I have had... ever.
I'm thankful for a loving family to spend the holidays with. I really do take them for granted sometimes.
I'm thankful for having the opportunity to change my future, even though I often feel frustrated with my current life status. Sure, living at home is painful at times, but I never stop to consider where I would be without my parent's love and support.
I'm thankful for my dad calling me out on my bullshit a few days ago. Couldn't have come at a better time. Sometimes a little tough love is exactly what I need.
I'm thankful for growing relationships in my life. It's so refreshing to finally see the light at the end of the isolation tunnel.
I'm thankful for my best friend and her ability to read my mind.
I'm thankful for each new day. These past few weeks have had their ups and downs, but thankfully I have this day to start fresh. I can't help but laugh when I think back to last Thanksgiving and how much has changed.
Most importantly, I'm thankful for progress.