Unstable & Messy

“I seem less stable and more messy when I’m really getting better because I’m breaking down the facade of perfectionism and denial.” 

This just might be my new favorite quote of all time and I'm a quote-lover so this is kind of a big deal.

 

When I first entered treatment and began the recovery process, I did feel - for lack of a better word - crazy. The shock of ending all eating disordered and other destructive behaviors left me to deal with all of my underlying issues that I had been avoiding for years. My identity felt like it was being stolen from me. Who was I without an eating disorder? 

And let's not forget that I was hospitalized, which of course meant I had to be messy and unstable. Deep down I knew I needed help and recovery forced me to face my broken soul. The temper tantrums and nonstop crying were proof that I must really need to be in this loony bin. There are many days during recovery where the inability to control my emotions has made me cynical of the whole process. 

As difficult as it may be to understand, in the beginning of recovery, life with the eating disorder does seem better than life without it. 

But don't be fooled. 

By slowly beginning to break down that facade of perfectionism, a much more carefree life is left to be discovered. Without my eating disorder, I often felt lost and completely exposed to the world around me, but sometimes a shock like that is needed in order to jump start such a daunting process. Sometimes we do need to take a few steps back before we can take a step forward.

By letting go of perfectionism, I have been forced to see the world in shades of gray. Over the years I have become an expert at being self critical when I do not meet my own standards, so learning to express kindness toward myself has been completely foreign at times. In order to let go of my perfectionistic thoughts I have been forced to become aware of my self critical thoughts, practice self compassion, and examine my irrational fears of failure. None of these things happens over night, but I have found that after that "crazy stage" my inner perfectionist has slowly eased up.

Denial - For so long I was being unrealistic about my eating disorder even though it was clear to others that I was struggling. In order to face my denial I had to be honest about my emotions for the first time in my life. At first I remember feeling guilty for allowing myself to reach such an incredible low and it was simply easier to deny, ignore, and refuse to believe I needed help. Just like my perfectionism, with time as I slowly faced my past, that denial was lifted.

Recovery is a messy process and I have learned that it is perfectly okay (and normal) to feel worse before it is possible to feel better. It is important to remember that the only way to begin self discovery is to face the aspects of life holding us back. Most importantly, I am pretty excited to finally see that I am not less stable or messier than anyone else on the road to self discovery - thanks to my new favorite quote.

Progress.

One Year Sober

Today I am one year sober.

A part of me didn't even want to publish this post because I still feel ashamed that I even have to admit such a thing. How did I allow my life to get so out of control that I have a one year sober anniversary? A younger version of myself would have never in a million years believed that I would have gotten in legal trouble. Period. So getting into legal trouble with alcohol still sounds like a big fat lie to me.

Like my struggles with my eating disorder and anxiety, however, it is important for me to also develop a level of acceptance with my alcohol abuse. Hopefully this post will bring me one step closer towards ending the denial surrounding this part of my past.

These two pictures were taken exactly one year apart. The first picture is the last picture taken of me before I entered treatment and the second picture is the most recent picture of me to date. It's hard for me to believe the girl in these photos is the same person.

May 4, 2012 and May 4, 2013

I am having a difficult time formulating words to properly express how I feel after seeing these pictures next to each other. The girl in the first picture is not me. That girl was hopeless, sick of fighting, and craving her next drink. The girl in the second picture is obnoxiously happy, full of life, and ready to chase her dreams.

Recovery has given me some pretty amazing things, but my sobriety is something that I often forget to acknowledge. Somewhere along the way I developed a belief that talking about my eating disorder was more socially acceptable than my drinking problem, so I choose not to talk about it. And it's really, really embarrassing.

The day that first picture was taken is still very clear in my mind. That afternoon I had snooped around in my parent's closet looking to sneak some booze, but was unable to find any. I was desperate and weak. At the time, alcohol was the only thing that made me feel good, even if it was temporary. My weight was dangerously low and I never had any energy. I didn't want to try anymore.

 Without this year of sobriety I would not be this far along in my recovery. My hope is now that I have survived the first year, I can begin to accept my past with alcohol, too. 
 

I even made myself a cake to celebrate this special day. :)

PROGRESS.

Choosing Recovery

"The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don’t want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy."
-Carrie Arnold

Two nights ago I read this post called "What it Means to Choose Recovery" written by Carrie Arnold on her blog "ED Bites," (which is the most brilliant eating disorder blog ever) and it got me thinking about my own recent choices in recovery.

As much as I hate to admit this, over the past 3 weeks my weight has progressively decreased. Nothing serious, I'm still in my range, but enough to make me stop and reflect on what has changed.

Today is the last day of my semester. YAY! However, with the stress of finals, an exciting guest speaking opportunity coming up, pressures to find a summer job, trying to figure out the ridiculously stupid student loan process, a few personal relationships coming to an end, and a lack of sleep, I feel a little shaken.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention recovery, the most important thing on my to-do list is always on my mind as well.

I am quickly discovering there is a really tricky place in recovery where even though I want to live "normally," I also need to make sure I remember to constantly choose recovery. As Carrie Arnold said, recovery is a choice I need to make multiple times a day, and for me, I am learning, this is especially important when life gets busy. The scary thing is, however, life is only going to get busier as I continue to recover making my choices even more important.

Recently choosing to focus on "life" has come before recovery. My meal planning has slipped a little and as the scale has shown, it's affecting my weight. I can't tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just eat and deal with stress like normal people?" It's frustrating.

Sometimes I forget to remember that even though my life is slowly piecing itself back together, I am still in recovery. It's kind of scary how quickly those eating disordered thoughts creep up and how easy it is to miss a few calories here and there because I am "too busy" or "too stressed." Luckily, I have a choice. The choice of recovery.

The bottom line is, choosing recovery - a million times a day if needed - comes first. Period. Life will always "throw me curve balls" as my dad would say, but unless I am taking care of myself none of that other stuff matters. 

Progress.

Failure

FAILURE:

1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends
2. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short
3. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - the first time I went to CMU I failed out. Yes, little-miss-goodie-two-shoes Kelsi failed out of school. 

At that time in my life, I began feeling my social anxiety take over and as I continued to skip class, the isolation became my go-to coping mechanism. My eating disorder became more important than my grades. Every time I sat down to study I became so overwhelmed that I would throw in the towel before I even got started. There were countless mornings where I would drive to class, but found myself unable to get out of the car.

I ran away from everything and everyone during those years.

Without any other options, I applied to culinary school and luckily they accepted everyone regardless of past school experiences and GPA. With all of my guilt and shame from being a failure still riding heavily on my shoulders, I decided running away from my problems was the answer. Looking back on it all now, however, I see moving/running to Traverse City was only a temporary solution to many unresolved issues and in the long run it only escalated my disorder.

While my years in Traverse City did have some great moments, I could never truly enjoy them because there was always a little voice in the back of my head screaming "FAILURE!" My eating disorder became the only thing I felt truly successful in; everything else was there to cover up my guilt.

 Now that I have been through treatment for my eating disorder and am trying to get my life back on track, I find myself facing many of my past failures. This week is finals week and every time I sit down to study, I face my fear of failing.

But maybe they weren't failures at all. 

Maybe my past is just a small part of my story.

Maybe failure is the only way to grow.

Maybe failure is a huge part of success.

Maybe if I can convince myself that I needed to go through those difficult times to become the person I am today, then I won't view my past as one big failure. Sometimes we really do need to go through the rough times before we can appreciate the joyful times.

This week as I take my finals and finish up my first (in many ways) successful semester, I know I will be reminded of my past failures. Instead of piling on more guilt, like I have done in the past, I think it's time to remove a little of that weight from my shoulders.

This semester as I take my finals, I can breathe a little easier knowing my past failures have fueled countless positive changes in my life.

Progress.

Healing

"Sometimes it feels like you aren't moving forward. As if the past has caught up with you yet again. That is a lie. Look at who you are now compared to a year ago. Every day has been a step forward. Every day you get out of bed and face the world with courage and sincerity matters.

 
You've got to take a moment to take it all in and understand that time will not speed up even for you. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with the wounds you carry. True, lasting healing cannot be tricked or rushed. But you must remember that you are healing. Hold on to that truth. Whether you see it or feel it, healing is taking place in your mind, body, spirit, and life."

 I read this quote and instantly knew it needed to be shared.

One of the most common misconceptions about recovering from an eating disorder is that once a person has reached a healthy weight, they are healed. Magically cured. Ready to go. 

While I was still in treatment, my insurance cut out as soon as I hit a certain weight. They believed that I had spent enough time there and was ready to face the world; as if weight was the only factor involved in the healing process. Luckily, for me, my parents were willing to help fight the insurance company and cover the costs, if necessary, until I felt ready to leave.

This isn't always the case, however. Some patients are forced to leave treatment, without a heads up, the same day the insurance company decides they are done; there are very few things that make me more upset.

Also, after leaving treatment, I felt as though I was expected to be fully recovered. Looking back, I think that was more of a pressure that I put on myself, but that is not always the case. Many patients are expected to go directly back to work or school during the most difficult phase of healing: the transitional period.

Upon leaving treatment, I felt just as scared to go home as I did on my first day in treatment. I always joke that my parents dropped me off kicking and screaming (and I may or may not have chased them as they left the parking lot), but I was ready to move in and stay forever when it came time to leave.

Treatment had become my comfort zone. I knew I was safe there. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who understood me; how could I possibly give that up?

The real work in recovery begins after leaving treatment. Without anyone watching my back 24/7 to make sure I was eating, recovery became my responsibility. On top of that, I was forced to deal with all of the negative, self criticizing emotions that I had been numbing out for years. Instead of being in group therapy 40 hours a week, I was suddenly only allowed one measly hour of therapy per week. To make matters worse, throw in the expectation that I am cured and ready to go back to work or school. Are you kidding me?

Healing takes time. Lots of time.

Just like the quote says:
Be patient with yourself.
Be gentle with the wounds you carry.
True, lasting healing cannot be tricked or rushed.
But you must remember you are healing.
Hold onto that truth.

Although it would be nice to fast forward to a time in my life where this eating disorder no longer haunts me, I know I am not there yet. Trusting in the process is not always easy, but by doing so, I am allowing myself to heal.

Progress.

The Starvatoin Study

While I was in treatment, I was given a handout called, The Effects of Starvation on Behavior: Implications for Dieting and Eating Disorders, - also known as "The Keys Study" - written by David Garner. During that time, I was in such a state of shock that I found it difficult to actually let the information in this article sink in. After rereading and picking it apart for my research paper this semester, I am blown away by the amount of useful information I picked up over these few short pages. 

In 1950 Ancel Keys and his colleagues did an experiment known as the “starvation study.” Out of 100 volunteers, 36 men with the best physical and psychological health were chosen for the this study. It consisted of three main phases: 

Phase one - The men ate normally while their behaviors and eating habits were recorded.

Phase two - The semi-starvation phase consisted of a strict diet; cutting daily caloric intake in half, for the next six months. Exercise and other mental tests were also done during this time. On average, the men lost about 25% of their starting body weight.

Phase three - After the semi-starvation phase, the men where carefully studied during a three month re-feeding process. 

Gardner goes on to discuss the many different ways the men responded to the weight loss, and to his astonishment, many of these symptoms or changes persisted through the rehabilitation phase. 

Behaviors Related to Food & Eating

An extremely common symptom of an eating disorder is an obsession with food. Gardner discusses how the men were affected:

"One of the most striking changes that occurred in the volunteers was a dramatic increase in food preoccupation. The men found concentration on their usual activities increasingly difficult, because they became plagued by incessant thoughts of food and eating. During the semi-starvation phase, food became a principal topic of conversation, reading, and daydreams.
Cookbooks, menus, and information bulletins on food production became intensely interesting to many of the men who previously had little interest in dietetics or agriculture. In addition, some men even began collecting coffeepots, hot plates, and other kitchen utensils.
For some, the fascination was so great that they actually changed occupations after the experiment; three became chefs!"

The first couple sentences of this quote are true for many people with eating disorders. It becomes extremely difficult to concentrate on anything except food. I remember feeling like my brain was constantly in a fog, making it very difficult to absorb information. 

For all of the jokes that have ever been made about me going to culinary school during the height of my eating disorder, there is now an explanation. Countless people have pointed out the irony in my previous situation, myself included.  The only way I could make sense of it was by thinking, "I already thought about food 24/7, so what not study it?!" Well, I am thrilled that there is actually proof that I am not crazy! 

Binge Eating

A major consequence of starvation is binge eating. Anyone who has been on a highly restrictive diet, not just those with eating disorders, can relate to this. Gardner explains,

"During the eighth week of starvation, one volunteer flagrantly broke dietary rules, eating several sundaes and malted milks; he even stole some penny candies. He promptly confessed the whole episode, [and] became self-deprecatory. Serious binge eating developed in a subgroup of men, and this tendency persisted in some cases for months after free access of food was reintroduced; however, the majority of men reported gradually returning to eating normal amounts of food after about 5 months of re-feeding."

After restricting caloric intake for any period of time, the normal reaction is to binge; whether we realize that is what is taking place or not. The body craves food and will do whatever it takes to consume those missing calories. These men were no different. Often, during the re-feeding stage of recovery, patients complain of extreme hunger and feel like binging, and this is why. 

For me personally, this is how my binge/purge cycle began. As early as my freshman year in high school, I remember starting a diet every Monday, only to end up binging all weekend long. Monday morning the diet would start again and the cycle would continue. The amount of guilt I felt lead me to diet. Learning to purge only made the cycle a million times worse.

Emotional & Personal Changes

My personality and emotional well being at this very moment are completely different than they were a year, even six months ago; thank goodness. Again, Gardner explains,

"During the re-feeding period, emotional disturbance did not vanish immediately but persisted for several weeks, with some men actually becoming more depressed, irritable, argumentative, and negativistic than they had been during semi-starvation."

In my opinion, this is a really important concept for outsiders and people with loved ones in recovery from an eating disorder to understand. Although a patient is weight restored and they physically look 'cured,' it does not mean they are. Like the quote states, often times, the mental state of a person in recovery is actually worse after weight restoration. 

In my situation, during this phase of recovery, it felt impossible to deal with two things: (1) The recent weight gain and hideous body image and (2) all of the unpleasant emotions I had been numbing with my eating disorder were now hitting me with full force. Without my go-to coping mechanism (ED behaviors), I was forced to deal with all of my underlying issues at once; I cannot think of a more overwhelming feeling. 

This article also goes into detail about the social/sexual changes and the cognitive/physical changes that take place as a result of starvation. The three listed above, however, stood out to me as the most prominent in eating disorder recovery (and I didn't want to bore you with more scientific research). If you are interested in the full text of the "starvation study," I found a link here.

All of this information is beyond fascinating; but for me, to be able to reread this article six months after leaving treatment and noticing all of the positive changes in my brain function is unreal. I can't wait to see how much more improvement takes place over the next six months.

Progress.

"Fat Poem"

Please take the time to watch this video. You won't regret it.

A good friend of mine posted this video yesterday and I knew instantly it needed to be shared. As I watched with tear soaked cheeks, it brought back way too many memories of days I spent purging on the bathroom floor. 

Earlier this month, I did a post about Eating Disorder Awareness Month; the video goes into a little detail about the dangers of eating disorders, but I thought it would be a good idea to elaborate to keep with the awareness trend. Also, because the "Fat Poem" video is so powerful, I wanted to keep the focus on that and keep this post simple. 

Here is a list of the dangers associated with eating disorders:

Malnutrition

Dehydration

Electrolyte Imbalances

Heart Disease

Bone Loss

Muscle Weakness

Hair Loss

Dry Skin

Brittle Nails

Intestinal Damage

Enamel Erosion

Loss of Menstrual Cycle

Infertility

Headaches

Brain Damage

Decreased Blood Pressure

Decrease Heart Rate

Thyroid Damage

Lanugo

Constipation

Mild Anemia

Reduced Muscle Mass

Lightheadedness

Depression 

Anxiety

OCD Tendencies

Slowed Reaction Time

Irritability

Isolation

Preoccupied Thoughts

Mood Swings

Fatigue

Insomnia

Inflamed Esophagus

Swollen Cheeks

Edema

Kidney Infection & Failure

Osteoporosis

Easily Bruised Skin

Cramps

Bloating

Peptic Ulcers

Pancreatitis

Seizures

Death

Phew. Sadly, I know I missed quite a few. 

For the first time in a decade, I am taking part in Eating Disorder Awareness Month on the other side; the recovery side. Just like I teared up as I watched that video, I am now tearing up as I realize how much time I wasted putting myself in danger of every single one of these health risks. Eating disorders are scary and often times feel hopeless, but I am firm believer that if I can overcome my addictions, all of you can, too. 

Just like the "Fat Poem" video says, freedom is possible.  

Progress.