The ED Grieving Process

This week the discussion topic in one of my classes was death, dying, and the grieving process. Kind of depressing, right? Death isn't something that I spend much time thinking about for that reason.

Most people don't realize eating disorders are the number one cause of death among all mental health disorders. Although there are huge consequences for remaining sick, many of us struggle to ever to get better. As I have gone through recovery, there has been somewhat of a grieving process that has taken place as I have let go of my old, familiar, and comfortable best friend - the eating disorder. 

Over the years, if I was having a bad day and needed to numb out, the eating disorder was there. If I was feeling in inadequate, I would just remind myself that I was the best at restricting my food intake. In a very sick way, the ED made me special. That constant false sense of accomplishment kept me going when everything else seemed to be crumbling before me. 

According to many psychology books, the grieving process has five steps:

 Denial - "My eating disorder isn't THAT bad. I don't need help."
Anger - "How could my parents have left me at this place (treatment). They must not love me. How can these people make me eat this food?!"
Bargaining - "If I'm going to eat this much, I should be able to walk every day."
Depression - "I hate this. Let me stay in bed all day. I don't know how to deal with all of these surfacing emotions."
Acceptance - "There's no turning back. Recovery is the most difficult thing I will ever do, but it sure beats living with an eating disorder."

For this post, I am going to focus on the depression stage of the grieving process because it seems to be the most challenging part for many of us in recovery. In the book, "The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth," written by M. Scott Peck, there is a chapter describing the healthiness of depression. According to Peck, during the process of giving up something it is normal to feel depression because,

"The feeling associated with giving up something loved - or at least something that is part of ourselves and familiar - is depression. Since mentally healthy human beings must grow, and since giving up or loss of the old self is an integral part of process of mental and spiritual growth, depression is a normal and basically healthy phenomenon (pg. 75)."

This might explain why it often feels impossible to give up old, destructive habits. Many of us are unwilling or unable to suffer through the pain associated with giving up our eating disorders. Consequently we cling, sometimes forever, to old thinking patterns which of course keeps us sick.

A few months back I did a post on the Washout Phase, where patients often feel like they have hit a brick wall in recovery and they begin to question whether or not changing is worth it. I think this depression phase of the grieving process is a huge part of the Washout Phase. The good news is, however, once I pushed through that depression phase, I had my "ah-ha" moment and realized there was no turning back.

In a way, living with an eating disorder is like living with death. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I was slowly killing myself. Everyday that I spent caught up in my ED, a small part of my soul was taken away. I became emotionless, vacant, and somewhat unaware of the world around me. Nothing mattered except my rigid routine.

Losing something we have grown to love is not easy and unfortunately many of us have to go through a phase of depression in order to get to the other side; however, keep in mind this part of recovery is completely normal. If you find yourself in that depression phase at this moment, remind yourself that not only is it necessary to heal, but it will also pass.

Making the choice to stop living with death (my eating disorder) was one of the most difficult things I have ever done; but one year later, regardless of the pain, it is clearly the best decision I will ever make.

Progress.

Why Media & Body Image Aren't to Blame

 Last week in one of my classes we had a discussion on how the media affects body image and the rise of eating disorders in adolescents. It's not shocking that immediately after learning that was the week's discussion topic I went on a bit of a rant.

Sure, I can understand that the media has had a negative impact on the self esteem of young people in today's society and kids are often bullied based on their physical appearance alone; however, for many of us with eating disorders the media is not to blame. An incredibly bright email recovery buddy of mine, whom I have quoted several times before, said this to me last night and it fits perfectly with this post: 
 
"...It's funny, when people think of triggers for people with eating disorders they often think of glossy magazines or models on catwalks. But, like you, loneliness is one of my biggest triggers. 

Because ultimately, eating disorders are a coping mechanism for dealing with life. 

People with eating disorders aren't "crazy" or shallow. 

They are just people who are struggling."

 One of the questions my teacher asked the class was, "How can we improve body image in adolescents in order to treat eating disorders," which is where my rant began. Let me first say that I have come a long way in understanding that the general population does not understand eating disorders and that's okay. BUT I can't help but get a little irritated when people assume improving body image will magically cure eating disorders.

Loneliness, for example, isn't something I talk about often, but is one of my biggest triggers. My loneliness isn't necessarily caused by a lack of people in my life, but is more a void deep within me that I can't seem to figure out how to fill. When I begin having thoughts of inadequacy, I am also triggered and have to fight off urges to have symptoms. Loneliness and inadequacy often feel out of my control, which makes me crave the controlling aspect of the eating disorder. I still have a difficult time coping with those uncomfortable emotions, making the numbing aspect of ED symptoms appealing.

Gaining a significant amount of weight during recovery was not easy and yes, I do have body image issues but what normal person wouldn't after gaining that much weight? For me gaining weight was frightening because I was being forced to let go of the safe and comfortable environment my eating disorder had provided. I needed help building a new comfort zone with healthier coping mechanisms, not a body image cure.

If body image improvement is the only component of treatment needed to recover, then the recovery process wouldn't be so complex. Without taking each individual's underlying issues into consideration, there is no way to effectively treat this disease. If I didn't deal with loneliness, thoughts of inadequacy, perfectionism, or anxiety on a daily basis, would I have developed an eating disorder? It is impossible to say for sure, but I'm going to say my chances would have been much lower.

Please do not assume that I am in favor of the tactics used by today's media. In fact, I think the unattainable beauty standards set by the media are quite appalling. Even my non eating disordered friends struggle with these impossible standards. This is a problem our entire society faces, not just eating disorder patients.

Seeing pictures of unhealthy looking runway models isn't helpful, but it doesn't send me into a downward spiral either. Poor body image is one component of eating disorders, but it is not the cause. In my humble opinion, if eating disorders are to be successfully treated we need to dig much deeper than the issue of media and body image. 

Rant over.

Progress.

Should I Say Something?

 

Kelsi, in your opinion should a person say something to an individual who is obviously severely underweight? Some expression of concern? I’m not talking about a perfect stranger, but maybe a coworker, or a not-too-close friend. You’ve written a lot about denial; are any comments useful or just alienating? And, if so, what approach would you recommend?

Yesterday I received this question on my previous post. As I began typing a response, it dawned on me how many possible answers there are to this question. Depending on the person or situation an individual may be highly offended or feel relieved if questioned about their weight. 

I posted this question in one of the eating disorder support groups I am a part of and asked for others thoughts on the topic. Here are some of the responses I received:

 "I might not directly say something, but vaguely show interest in them, reach out to ask how they are doing often and be genuine about it."

"Show concern without mentioning weight—that puts them in defense."

"I think I would start with trying to make sure it wasn't a health problem first. Maybe if the person was ill they would feel self conscious about having their weight pointed out to them. It should be clear that the person was coming from a place of caring and compassion and not criticism."

"I don’t think it’s ever okay to bring someone’s body size up in conversation, even if it’s out of genuine and loving concern."

In my opinion, I actually think it is best to say something. The individual most likely will not be accepting, due to that denial, but completely ignoring the problem is not the answer either. Even if the person does not seem to be listening, you would still be providing a level of comfort by reaching out. If the person does eventually decide they want to get help, then at least they know you are willing to listen. However, with the input from the comments above, I would be cautious about directly mentioning their weight. 

The most frustrating part of recovery from an eating disorder is every case is incredibly different. What works for one person generally will not work for another. While some people might be offended by your concern, others (myself included) will be grateful that someone took the time to reach out. For years I felt as though I was not sick enough because no one said anything. In my mind, my problems were constantly being swept under the rug and it was hurtful.

Denial is absolutely an issue to be considered here. If someone had expressed concern towards me, for example, I would have pretended everything was going well and assured them I was fine, but deep down would have felt angry with myself for letting it get that bad. There is also a good chance the person in question is already aware of their issues and would feel alienated when the topic is brought up. 

There are many sides to this question, but I think the bottom line is: expressing genuine concern without the mention of weight might be the way to go. Making sure the person is actually sick and not just naturally thin is a good idea, too. In my opinion, ignoring the problem only creates greater stigma around eating disorders. Although the individual may not be accepting in the moment, deep down they will appreciate knowing someone does care. 

Not sure if this answered your question or not, Aunt Judy, but hopefully it helped you understand the eating disordered thought process. There might not be a perfect answer here due to the individual nature of eating disorders, but expressing a little kindness never hurts. In my opinion, anytime someone speaks up against eating disorders or shows support, we are taking a step forward.

Progress.

Wanting an Eating Disorder

Earlier this spring on my flight home from a trip down south, a young man sat next to me and started up a friendly conversation. He asked what I was studying in school and I told him I am going into social work specializing in eating disorders. To my surprise he chuckled and said, "I need to get one of those."

Dumbfounded, I politely smiled and did my best to hide my angry eyes as he continued, "Sometimes I think that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. All I do is eat. I really need to get an eating disorder"

To most people this might sound like a careless joke, but as you can probably guess, I did not find this humorous at all. For the rest of the flight, my mind was off in eating disorder land. Before I truly developed my eating disorder, I remember thinking that I, too, wanted an eating disorder. There was a period of time when I would rip pictures of thin celebrities out of magazines and keep them in a folder as reminders of the "perfect" body. 

Unlike many anorexia patients, my eating disorder began with a series of binges. Those women in the magazine pictures were able to control their eating habits and I desperately wanted the same thing. The perfectionist in me was ready to do whatever it took to achieve that perfect body. A part of me wanted to stand out from the rest of my family and developing an eating disorder seemed to be the obvious solution.

A friend of mine from treatment had a somewhat similar experience. She was born a pastor's daughter and became tired of constantly trying to fit the perfect image everyone expected her to portrait. Possibly as a way to rebel against her family's ideal image, she desperately began to want something to be wrong with her. She, too, believed that developing an eating disorder would fill the holes in her heart. The eating disorder would allow her to slowly waste away and she would no longer needed to fill the perfect child role. 

Recently I have also been hearing about many young people who think an eating disorder would provide an escape from their everyday problems. To make matters worse, some individuals believe that because they wanted to develop an eating disorder, they do not deserve equal treatment. For years I have struggled to find a meaning behind the development of my eating disorder after growing up in a seemingly perfect household. Without any obvious answers, I believed that I was unworthy of treatment. If I was able to put myself in this situation, I should be able to get myself out - right? Unfortunately, eating disorders don't work that way.

Regardless of how or why an eating disorder is developed, the important thing is to understand that everyone is deserving of treatment.

To some, like the gentleman on my flight, developing an eating disorder might be a joke, but to others this is a very serious issue. In the moment, eating disorders might seem like the perfect solution but they are only a temporary fix. In the long run, my eating disorder only created a tremendous amount of pain for me and those who cared for me most.

As much as I hate to admit it, there was a time in my life when I truly wanted an eating disorder. It may have taken me a long time to understand that although I (partly) brought this upon myself, I am still worthy of receiving the help I deserve. I am no longer searching for the reason behind my eating disorder. What's done is done. The only thing I am focused on now is my future in recovery.

Progress.

What is Normal Eating Anyway?

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of my day in our garden putting my green thumb to work. I've never been much of an outdoorsy girl or been able to keep plants alive, but for some reason I felt the need to give it a try. Surprisingly, my little outdoor adventure turned into a bit of a triggering situation as planting a bunch of vegetables brought back memories of my old, disordered diet.

To say my diet had become unreasonably rigid before I entered treatment would be an understatement. As I ironically began culinary school, one of the many ways I began to cut out food groups was to become a vegetarian. After learning about the appalling farming monopolies our country is currently practicing - thank you, Monsanto - I also began a local-foods-only diet. The local food movement is trendy in the culinary world right now after all, so it only made sense for me to jump on the bandwagon. Now add in my excuses to avoid anything containing high fructose corn syrup, food dyes, or any other ingredient I didn't recognize, and you can begin to understand the strict guidelines of my diet.

In my mind, surrounding myself with culinary geniuses gave me the perfect excuse to become a "food snob," even though it was literally killing me.

The treatment center I spent six months in, however, was on the complete opposite end of the food spectrum. Because they believed in the calorie counting meal planning strategy, every food I ate during my stay was packaged (as a way to easily count calories). Fresh fruits and veggies were off limits because they did not have an exact calorie count. Every time I go back to my treatment center to guest speak, we always have a good laugh as we think back to my first day and the impressive temper tantrum I threw after learning what I would be expected to eat. There was no way in hell those people were going to force me to consume those packaged products. I didn't even consider that to be "real food" at the time.

Occasionally I would have the option to plan frozen vegetables and dried fruits into my meal plan as long as they were perfectly measured. At one point, we all joked that planning anything healthy into our daily regimen was pointless because those low calorie foods took up too much room in our already bulging stomachs. After a few months, not only did I finally give into eating poptarts and little debbies on a daily basis, but I actually began to (I can't believe I'm saying this...) enjoy it.

(Let me just say that eating this way is definitely NOT recommended for healthy individuals. For eating disorder patients, however, it does not matter where the calories are coming from as long as the number being consumed is enough. Also, by constantly facing my fear foods, I was able to learn that I can eat "unhealthy" foods (in moderation) without gaining weight.)

Although I have been home for quite a few months now, I still struggle with estimating calories sometimes. Fruits and vegetables have made their way back into my diet, but I still get a little weird about having to ballpark those calories. The calorie counting meal panning strategy definitely works during the refeeding process, but its inflexibility makes it difficult to move away from after leaving treatment.

Like many things in life, I am currently searching for a place of balance with my food choices. Spending time in the garden yesterday did make me crave those super clean meals and even made me feel a little guilty for my recent "unhealthy" food choices. Those "I just want to eat like a normal person" thoughts were relentless as I angrily dug a hole for each plant. Maybe being alone in a garden with my thoughts wasn't the best idea I have ever had. 

 The optimist in me, on the other hand, is searching for the benefits of my current meal planning state. Most importantly, I have maintained my current weight since the day I left treatment, so that proves to me that meal planning actually does work. Also, I finally believe there is no such thing as a good food or a bad food. As long as I stay within my calorie limits I can eat whatever I want.

Sometimes I forget that my dietary needs are different than the "normal" person at this stage in my recovery. Every time I turn on the TV or listen to the radio I am bombarded with weight loss ads. Living in a society that places such a huge emphasis on being fit is aggravating. Eating disorder or not, the simple task of fueling our body has turned into something much more complex.

Yes, gardening was a little triggering yesterday, but it might actually be exactly what I need to break my strict meal plan. Growing a few of my own plants will allow me to enjoy a bit of moderation in my diet. I never thought I'd be trying to ADD fruits and veggies to my diet, but here we are.

My eating habits might never be completely normal, but who can honestly say they have a perfect relationship with food? Does normal eating even exist anymore? Maybe I'm not so weird after all.

Progress.

Unexpected Triggers (Part 2)

 This week was the start of my summer semester. With the start of any new situation, we are faced with new people, new expectations, and potentially new triggers. Like many of my posts, I was not sure if I should write about this, however, it has been almost 24 hours since I was in class and this situation is still on my mind.

I will just be blunt about it - There is an individual in my class, who of course decided to sit directly in front of me, that is clearly emaciated. Over the past year or so, I have become aware that people do have different body types and some people are lucky enough to be naturally thin. This person, on the other hand, looks sick. Whether this person has an eating disorder or not is none of my business, but it definitely does distract me from listening to the professor's lecture.

For the most part, I am heartbroken at the sight of this and hoping my assumptions are dead wrong. A very small part of me, however, is jealous enough to feel triggered. I realize that feeling the slightest bit of envy towards this person is silly. A good chunk of my life was spent in that living hell, so why would I feel this way? 

As I was laying in bad last night, I realized that I am not necessarily envious of this person's weight, but more so of the control she has over her life; even if it is a false sense of control. In the twisted mindset that comes with an eating disorder, I find myself longing for that feeling of numbness. Rather than feeling disappointment, heartbreak, loneliness, or anger, this person keeps her emotions in check at all times. A part of me is also reminded of the high my eating disorder gave me. For once in my life, I felt worthy because I could control my weight and now that is gone. The "who am I without my eating disorder?" thoughts have returned.

Thankfully after a good nights rest, I woke up this morning with a different perspective on the situation. Although it would be nice to avoid uncomfortable emotions, that would also mean I would not know how to experience the good emotions. During my eating disorder I was so detached from my emotions that as I began recovery, experiencing joy and happiness felt extremely foreign. Somehow I felt like I was doing something wrong by actually feeling my feelings. Now, a year into my recovery, I often feel obnoxiously happy. Without years of pain, I would not be able to take advantage of all of the beauty left in my life.

Although it also felt nice to have some control over my weight and other situations in my life, I have finally reached a point where I can see the opposite was true - my eating disorder was controlling me. Eating disorder patients often refer to that high they get from feeling "empty" or binging and purging, but I can finally see that those supposed highs don't compare to the joyful highs I now feel in my everyday life.

Next Tuesday when I have this class again, I know the individual who sits in front of me will be somewhat of a distraction. Luckily for me, however, I can choose to view the situation however I want. This will not be the last time I will encounter someone who physically appears to have an eating disorder, but that does not mean I need to let it affect me. Once again, I will emphasize that I am making assumptions and I could be completely wrong about this person's heath; that doesn't make it any less triggering though.

Like I have said a million times before, triggers will always be there, it's how we choose to deal with them that pushes us further into recovery.

Progress.

P.S. Last January I wrote a post called Unexpected Triggers, which is why this is Part 2. After rereading the original post this morning, it's exciting to see the change in myself after a few short months. I think that deserves another... Progress. :)

Food-Related Baggage

"It would be awesome if all of our

unique food-related baggage were something

we could eventually abandon

like so much unclaimed luggage at an airport

in some distant city.

Unfortunately it tends to find us wherever we go,

no matter how many times we assert

that we’ll never put on that

stupid ugly self-hating dress ever again.

Backsliding is inevitable

and it is okay when it happens;

disordered eating patterns don’t evolve

because a person is unintelligent or lazy,

they evolve as coping mechanisms

and even survival tactics.

We can’t expect ourselves to just forget the means

by which we’ve managed to get through the hard stuff,

because in most of our lives the hard stuff doesn’t stop coming

just because we’ve made efforts to address

an eating disorder or any other addictive behavior."

I stumbled across this quote sometime last fall (and I honestly don't know the source), but it seems to hold a much stronger meaning with me now than it did back then.

Recovery is difficult for many of us because we are forced to unlearn our old coping mechanisms and then slowly learn new, healthy coping mechanisms. Anytime a person practices something for an extended period of time, such as an eating disorder, it simply becomes second nature.

During the time of my eating disorder, I often felt that others saw me as unintelligent or lazy because I remained stuck in a self-destructive cycle. Why couldn't I just STOP?!

Life never stops and it is constantly changing. Although many of us with eating disorders do our best to avoid change, it is impossible to do so without consequences. So, even though food-related baggage isn't something we can necessarily abandon, through recovery, however, we are given daily opportunities to deal with it in a much healthier manner.

Progress.

Happiness

This week has been a little hectic with the semester coming to an end (already!) and my seemingly out of control emotions getting in the way of my happiness. On Tuesday night I found myself frantically cleaning my room and gutting out my closet instead of getting my school work done. Also, I caught myself occasionally letting out screams of rage for no particular reason. I guess if I am going to choose an avoidance mechanism, cleaning is the way to go, but don't let me lead you astray - school work should always come first.

Anyways, late last night on a study break, I found this poem. Sometimes tiny burst of inspiration, like this poem, find us at just the right moment if we take the time to notice them.


"Happiness is a kind of openness, we have learned.
So choose the risky road of power and vulnerability.
Be done with dull things.
Take your life back.

Free yourself from habits of anger and compliance—smoking self-destruction.
Eyes wide open to the world as it is, we grieve.
And in the midst of it all, we rejoice…
We have been told that liberty and happiness are mutually exclusive. 

This notion we reject. 

We can write our own scripts, write our own stories.
We can follow the threads of joy, too,
like sparks flying from the campfire, see where they land.

 We can create a liberation psychology.

So we open to love or work or art that feels expansive.
There is no “happily ever after.”
There is only meditation, action, change, friendship, idea, inspiration, creation.
We spin this light out of darkness."

—bluebird, Ariel Gore

Yes, this week has been stressful, exhausting, and emotional, but that doesn't mean there isn't still time to notice all of the reasons I still have to be happy.

Progress.

Eating Disorder or Disordered Eating?

Recently the term "disordered eating" has been getting a lot of buzz; but what does it mean exactly? Are eating disorders and disordered eating habits really that different? I felt the need to do a little research and find out exactly what the difference was...

According to the National Centre for Eating Disorders, disordered eating can be described as:

"Far more common and widespread than defined eating disorders are atypical eating disorders, or disordered eating. Disordered eating refers to troublesome eating behaviors, such as restrictive dieting, bingeing, or purging, which occur less frequently or are less severe than those required to meet the full criteria for the diagnosis of an eating disorder. Disordered eating can be changes in eating patterns that occur in relation to a stressful event, an illness, personal appearance, or in preparation for athletic competition. The 1997 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Study found that over 4% of students nationwide had taken laxatives, diet pills or had vomited either to lose weight or to keep from gaining weight."

Another definition from the National Eating Disorder Collaboration states:

"Disordered eating is when a person regularly engages in destructive eating behaviours such as restrictive dieting, compulsive eating or skipping meals. Disordered eating can include behaviours which reflect many but not all of the symptoms of eating disorders such as Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)."

And just in case you need a few more statistics, an article from ScienceDaily.com titled, "Three out of Four Women have Disordered Eating, Survey Suggests," provides some shocking numbers:

• 75 percent of women report disordered eating behaviors or symptoms consistent with eating disorders; so three out of four have an unhealthy relationship with food or their bodies
• 67 percent of women (excluding those with actual eating disorders) are trying to lose weight
• 53 percent of dieters are already at a healthy weight and are still trying to lose weight
• 39 percent of women say concerns about what they eat or weigh interfere with their happiness
• 37 percent regularly skip meals to try to lose weight
• 27 percent would be “extremely upset” if they gained just five pounds
• 26 percent cut out entire food groups
• 16 percent have dieted on 1,000 calories a day or fewer
• 13 percent smoke to lose weight
• 12 percent often eat when they’re not hungry; 49 percent sometimes do

It is not shocking to me that this many people reportedly have unhealthy relationships with food; what is shocking to me, however, is the definition of disordered eating. This is just my personal opinion, but if a person is regularly engaging in eating disordered symptoms, such as binging and purging, then how is it possible that medical professionals can diagnose them with disordered eating instead of an eating disorder?

There are so many people in this world who are struggling every single day with their eating habits, but are afraid to receive help because they don't believe they are "sick enough," thanks to these stupid definitions. Again, just my personal opinion, but if a person's eating habits are getting in the way of their mental and emotional well being, then they should be considered "sick enough" to receive help.

One other thing that really pushes my buttons is when professionals do not believe a person has an eating disorder (or disordered eating or whatever other incorrect label is put on it) because they are not severely underweight. Let me repeat myself: If a person's eating habits are affecting their mental and emotional well being then they should be considered sick enough to receive help.

I'm not quite sure how this post helps my personal progress, but sometimes simply spreading a little awareness (or common sense) is good enough for me.

Progress.

The Starvatoin Study

While I was in treatment, I was given a handout called, The Effects of Starvation on Behavior: Implications for Dieting and Eating Disorders, - also known as "The Keys Study" - written by David Garner. During that time, I was in such a state of shock that I found it difficult to actually let the information in this article sink in. After rereading and picking it apart for my research paper this semester, I am blown away by the amount of useful information I picked up over these few short pages. 

In 1950 Ancel Keys and his colleagues did an experiment known as the “starvation study.” Out of 100 volunteers, 36 men with the best physical and psychological health were chosen for the this study. It consisted of three main phases: 

Phase one - The men ate normally while their behaviors and eating habits were recorded.

Phase two - The semi-starvation phase consisted of a strict diet; cutting daily caloric intake in half, for the next six months. Exercise and other mental tests were also done during this time. On average, the men lost about 25% of their starting body weight.

Phase three - After the semi-starvation phase, the men where carefully studied during a three month re-feeding process. 

Gardner goes on to discuss the many different ways the men responded to the weight loss, and to his astonishment, many of these symptoms or changes persisted through the rehabilitation phase. 

Behaviors Related to Food & Eating

An extremely common symptom of an eating disorder is an obsession with food. Gardner discusses how the men were affected:

"One of the most striking changes that occurred in the volunteers was a dramatic increase in food preoccupation. The men found concentration on their usual activities increasingly difficult, because they became plagued by incessant thoughts of food and eating. During the semi-starvation phase, food became a principal topic of conversation, reading, and daydreams.
Cookbooks, menus, and information bulletins on food production became intensely interesting to many of the men who previously had little interest in dietetics or agriculture. In addition, some men even began collecting coffeepots, hot plates, and other kitchen utensils.
For some, the fascination was so great that they actually changed occupations after the experiment; three became chefs!"

The first couple sentences of this quote are true for many people with eating disorders. It becomes extremely difficult to concentrate on anything except food. I remember feeling like my brain was constantly in a fog, making it very difficult to absorb information. 

For all of the jokes that have ever been made about me going to culinary school during the height of my eating disorder, there is now an explanation. Countless people have pointed out the irony in my previous situation, myself included.  The only way I could make sense of it was by thinking, "I already thought about food 24/7, so what not study it?!" Well, I am thrilled that there is actually proof that I am not crazy! 

Binge Eating

A major consequence of starvation is binge eating. Anyone who has been on a highly restrictive diet, not just those with eating disorders, can relate to this. Gardner explains,

"During the eighth week of starvation, one volunteer flagrantly broke dietary rules, eating several sundaes and malted milks; he even stole some penny candies. He promptly confessed the whole episode, [and] became self-deprecatory. Serious binge eating developed in a subgroup of men, and this tendency persisted in some cases for months after free access of food was reintroduced; however, the majority of men reported gradually returning to eating normal amounts of food after about 5 months of re-feeding."

After restricting caloric intake for any period of time, the normal reaction is to binge; whether we realize that is what is taking place or not. The body craves food and will do whatever it takes to consume those missing calories. These men were no different. Often, during the re-feeding stage of recovery, patients complain of extreme hunger and feel like binging, and this is why. 

For me personally, this is how my binge/purge cycle began. As early as my freshman year in high school, I remember starting a diet every Monday, only to end up binging all weekend long. Monday morning the diet would start again and the cycle would continue. The amount of guilt I felt lead me to diet. Learning to purge only made the cycle a million times worse.

Emotional & Personal Changes

My personality and emotional well being at this very moment are completely different than they were a year, even six months ago; thank goodness. Again, Gardner explains,

"During the re-feeding period, emotional disturbance did not vanish immediately but persisted for several weeks, with some men actually becoming more depressed, irritable, argumentative, and negativistic than they had been during semi-starvation."

In my opinion, this is a really important concept for outsiders and people with loved ones in recovery from an eating disorder to understand. Although a patient is weight restored and they physically look 'cured,' it does not mean they are. Like the quote states, often times, the mental state of a person in recovery is actually worse after weight restoration. 

In my situation, during this phase of recovery, it felt impossible to deal with two things: (1) The recent weight gain and hideous body image and (2) all of the unpleasant emotions I had been numbing with my eating disorder were now hitting me with full force. Without my go-to coping mechanism (ED behaviors), I was forced to deal with all of my underlying issues at once; I cannot think of a more overwhelming feeling. 

This article also goes into detail about the social/sexual changes and the cognitive/physical changes that take place as a result of starvation. The three listed above, however, stood out to me as the most prominent in eating disorder recovery (and I didn't want to bore you with more scientific research). If you are interested in the full text of the "starvation study," I found a link here.

All of this information is beyond fascinating; but for me, to be able to reread this article six months after leaving treatment and noticing all of the positive changes in my brain function is unreal. I can't wait to see how much more improvement takes place over the next six months.

Progress.

"Fat Poem"

Please take the time to watch this video. You won't regret it.

A good friend of mine posted this video yesterday and I knew instantly it needed to be shared. As I watched with tear soaked cheeks, it brought back way too many memories of days I spent purging on the bathroom floor. 

Earlier this month, I did a post about Eating Disorder Awareness Month; the video goes into a little detail about the dangers of eating disorders, but I thought it would be a good idea to elaborate to keep with the awareness trend. Also, because the "Fat Poem" video is so powerful, I wanted to keep the focus on that and keep this post simple. 

Here is a list of the dangers associated with eating disorders:

Malnutrition

Dehydration

Electrolyte Imbalances

Heart Disease

Bone Loss

Muscle Weakness

Hair Loss

Dry Skin

Brittle Nails

Intestinal Damage

Enamel Erosion

Loss of Menstrual Cycle

Infertility

Headaches

Brain Damage

Decreased Blood Pressure

Decrease Heart Rate

Thyroid Damage

Lanugo

Constipation

Mild Anemia

Reduced Muscle Mass

Lightheadedness

Depression 

Anxiety

OCD Tendencies

Slowed Reaction Time

Irritability

Isolation

Preoccupied Thoughts

Mood Swings

Fatigue

Insomnia

Inflamed Esophagus

Swollen Cheeks

Edema

Kidney Infection & Failure

Osteoporosis

Easily Bruised Skin

Cramps

Bloating

Peptic Ulcers

Pancreatitis

Seizures

Death

Phew. Sadly, I know I missed quite a few. 

For the first time in a decade, I am taking part in Eating Disorder Awareness Month on the other side; the recovery side. Just like I teared up as I watched that video, I am now tearing up as I realize how much time I wasted putting myself in danger of every single one of these health risks. Eating disorders are scary and often times feel hopeless, but I am firm believer that if I can overcome my addictions, all of you can, too. 

Just like the "Fat Poem" video says, freedom is possible.  

Progress.