Unstable & Messy

“I seem less stable and more messy when I’m really getting better because I’m breaking down the facade of perfectionism and denial.” 

This just might be my new favorite quote of all time and I'm a quote-lover so this is kind of a big deal.

 

When I first entered treatment and began the recovery process, I did feel - for lack of a better word - crazy. The shock of ending all eating disordered and other destructive behaviors left me to deal with all of my underlying issues that I had been avoiding for years. My identity felt like it was being stolen from me. Who was I without an eating disorder? 

And let's not forget that I was hospitalized, which of course meant I had to be messy and unstable. Deep down I knew I needed help and recovery forced me to face my broken soul. The temper tantrums and nonstop crying were proof that I must really need to be in this loony bin. There are many days during recovery where the inability to control my emotions has made me cynical of the whole process. 

As difficult as it may be to understand, in the beginning of recovery, life with the eating disorder does seem better than life without it. 

But don't be fooled. 

By slowly beginning to break down that facade of perfectionism, a much more carefree life is left to be discovered. Without my eating disorder, I often felt lost and completely exposed to the world around me, but sometimes a shock like that is needed in order to jump start such a daunting process. Sometimes we do need to take a few steps back before we can take a step forward.

By letting go of perfectionism, I have been forced to see the world in shades of gray. Over the years I have become an expert at being self critical when I do not meet my own standards, so learning to express kindness toward myself has been completely foreign at times. In order to let go of my perfectionistic thoughts I have been forced to become aware of my self critical thoughts, practice self compassion, and examine my irrational fears of failure. None of these things happens over night, but I have found that after that "crazy stage" my inner perfectionist has slowly eased up.

Denial - For so long I was being unrealistic about my eating disorder even though it was clear to others that I was struggling. In order to face my denial I had to be honest about my emotions for the first time in my life. At first I remember feeling guilty for allowing myself to reach such an incredible low and it was simply easier to deny, ignore, and refuse to believe I needed help. Just like my perfectionism, with time as I slowly faced my past, that denial was lifted.

Recovery is a messy process and I have learned that it is perfectly okay (and normal) to feel worse before it is possible to feel better. It is important to remember that the only way to begin self discovery is to face the aspects of life holding us back. Most importantly, I am pretty excited to finally see that I am not less stable or messier than anyone else on the road to self discovery - thanks to my new favorite quote.

Progress.

Should I Say Something?

 

Kelsi, in your opinion should a person say something to an individual who is obviously severely underweight? Some expression of concern? I’m not talking about a perfect stranger, but maybe a coworker, or a not-too-close friend. You’ve written a lot about denial; are any comments useful or just alienating? And, if so, what approach would you recommend?

Yesterday I received this question on my previous post. As I began typing a response, it dawned on me how many possible answers there are to this question. Depending on the person or situation an individual may be highly offended or feel relieved if questioned about their weight. 

I posted this question in one of the eating disorder support groups I am a part of and asked for others thoughts on the topic. Here are some of the responses I received:

 "I might not directly say something, but vaguely show interest in them, reach out to ask how they are doing often and be genuine about it."

"Show concern without mentioning weight—that puts them in defense."

"I think I would start with trying to make sure it wasn't a health problem first. Maybe if the person was ill they would feel self conscious about having their weight pointed out to them. It should be clear that the person was coming from a place of caring and compassion and not criticism."

"I don’t think it’s ever okay to bring someone’s body size up in conversation, even if it’s out of genuine and loving concern."

In my opinion, I actually think it is best to say something. The individual most likely will not be accepting, due to that denial, but completely ignoring the problem is not the answer either. Even if the person does not seem to be listening, you would still be providing a level of comfort by reaching out. If the person does eventually decide they want to get help, then at least they know you are willing to listen. However, with the input from the comments above, I would be cautious about directly mentioning their weight. 

The most frustrating part of recovery from an eating disorder is every case is incredibly different. What works for one person generally will not work for another. While some people might be offended by your concern, others (myself included) will be grateful that someone took the time to reach out. For years I felt as though I was not sick enough because no one said anything. In my mind, my problems were constantly being swept under the rug and it was hurtful.

Denial is absolutely an issue to be considered here. If someone had expressed concern towards me, for example, I would have pretended everything was going well and assured them I was fine, but deep down would have felt angry with myself for letting it get that bad. There is also a good chance the person in question is already aware of their issues and would feel alienated when the topic is brought up. 

There are many sides to this question, but I think the bottom line is: expressing genuine concern without the mention of weight might be the way to go. Making sure the person is actually sick and not just naturally thin is a good idea, too. In my opinion, ignoring the problem only creates greater stigma around eating disorders. Although the individual may not be accepting in the moment, deep down they will appreciate knowing someone does care. 

Not sure if this answered your question or not, Aunt Judy, but hopefully it helped you understand the eating disordered thought process. There might not be a perfect answer here due to the individual nature of eating disorders, but expressing a little kindness never hurts. In my opinion, anytime someone speaks up against eating disorders or shows support, we are taking a step forward.

Progress.

Wanting an Eating Disorder

Earlier this spring on my flight home from a trip down south, a young man sat next to me and started up a friendly conversation. He asked what I was studying in school and I told him I am going into social work specializing in eating disorders. To my surprise he chuckled and said, "I need to get one of those."

Dumbfounded, I politely smiled and did my best to hide my angry eyes as he continued, "Sometimes I think that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. All I do is eat. I really need to get an eating disorder"

To most people this might sound like a careless joke, but as you can probably guess, I did not find this humorous at all. For the rest of the flight, my mind was off in eating disorder land. Before I truly developed my eating disorder, I remember thinking that I, too, wanted an eating disorder. There was a period of time when I would rip pictures of thin celebrities out of magazines and keep them in a folder as reminders of the "perfect" body. 

Unlike many anorexia patients, my eating disorder began with a series of binges. Those women in the magazine pictures were able to control their eating habits and I desperately wanted the same thing. The perfectionist in me was ready to do whatever it took to achieve that perfect body. A part of me wanted to stand out from the rest of my family and developing an eating disorder seemed to be the obvious solution.

A friend of mine from treatment had a somewhat similar experience. She was born a pastor's daughter and became tired of constantly trying to fit the perfect image everyone expected her to portrait. Possibly as a way to rebel against her family's ideal image, she desperately began to want something to be wrong with her. She, too, believed that developing an eating disorder would fill the holes in her heart. The eating disorder would allow her to slowly waste away and she would no longer needed to fill the perfect child role. 

Recently I have also been hearing about many young people who think an eating disorder would provide an escape from their everyday problems. To make matters worse, some individuals believe that because they wanted to develop an eating disorder, they do not deserve equal treatment. For years I have struggled to find a meaning behind the development of my eating disorder after growing up in a seemingly perfect household. Without any obvious answers, I believed that I was unworthy of treatment. If I was able to put myself in this situation, I should be able to get myself out - right? Unfortunately, eating disorders don't work that way.

Regardless of how or why an eating disorder is developed, the important thing is to understand that everyone is deserving of treatment.

To some, like the gentleman on my flight, developing an eating disorder might be a joke, but to others this is a very serious issue. In the moment, eating disorders might seem like the perfect solution but they are only a temporary fix. In the long run, my eating disorder only created a tremendous amount of pain for me and those who cared for me most.

As much as I hate to admit it, there was a time in my life when I truly wanted an eating disorder. It may have taken me a long time to understand that although I (partly) brought this upon myself, I am still worthy of receiving the help I deserve. I am no longer searching for the reason behind my eating disorder. What's done is done. The only thing I am focused on now is my future in recovery.

Progress.

Trusting the Process

When I first entered treatment I spent a good 8-10 weeks stuck in the "these people can't make me gain THAT much weight" mindset. During those first few weeks, I tried to cheat the weight gain process any way I could. Treatment centers often deal with patients hiding food, purging in secrecy, abusing laxatives, or over exercising regardless of the rules set by the treatment team.

As much as I hate to admit it, I embarrassingly attempted (and failed) one or more of the symptoms listed above multiple times. It was infuriating because I knew if I ever wanted to recover, it was absolutely necessary to STOP those behaviors and give up all means of control. The eating disorder voices in my head were telling me to continue having symptoms and keep my weight under control, and although my healthy brain was always fighting, it never seemed to beat out those ED voices.  

One of my recovery buddies is currently on the verge of trusting the process, but every time she tries to act in healthy manner those eating disorder voices take over. Yesterday she said this to me in regards to her current struggle to quit over exercising,  

"It was hard, because initially it was really nice to be outside and getting fresh air and walking (all of which I love) but then when she (her dog) started to turn back, my ED started to stress... "we'd only JUST got out here, we'd barely walked at all... it wasn't even HALF of what I'd normally do in the morning walk to school and it was a snail pace instead of a power-march."

Although she really, really wants to cut back on the exercise, every time she attempts to do so, those eating disorder voices tell her she's a lazy failure. Her best intentions to begin trusting the recovery process are not given the credit they deserve. More often than not, a few failed attempts are mandatory before a healthy behavior begins to emerge.

In order to fully trust, one must walk blindly into a situation. Trust is not something that can be developed overnight. Years of self-destructive thoughts have a sneaky way of over staying their welcome. Slowly as I began to let go of my eating disordered behaviors, one by one, I began to build that trust a little higher.

Another huge component of trusting the process was learning to let go of my eating disorder identity. And I mean really let go. I had to stomp on it, run it over with my car, throw it in the trash, and smash it with a hammer every opportunity I had. A past therapist of mine always told me to get angry at my ED and talk back to it. Having a few "I'm not listening to you today, eating disorder" phrases prepared ahead of time helped me fight off those voices. In fact, I still have to use some of those phrases on a daily basis.

Recovery is a long, exhausting process. Mistakes are inevitable. Sometimes I really have had to take two (or three or four) steps backwards in order to take one measly step forward. There are many days when I am pissed off at the recovery process and would much rather stay in bed for the rest of my life. Perfection does not and never will exist. Trust is huge leap of faith.

No wonder trusting the process takes so much time. Once I was able to achieve that trust, however, I finally realized there was no turning back.

Progress.

Unexpected Triggers (Part 2)

 This week was the start of my summer semester. With the start of any new situation, we are faced with new people, new expectations, and potentially new triggers. Like many of my posts, I was not sure if I should write about this, however, it has been almost 24 hours since I was in class and this situation is still on my mind.

I will just be blunt about it - There is an individual in my class, who of course decided to sit directly in front of me, that is clearly emaciated. Over the past year or so, I have become aware that people do have different body types and some people are lucky enough to be naturally thin. This person, on the other hand, looks sick. Whether this person has an eating disorder or not is none of my business, but it definitely does distract me from listening to the professor's lecture.

For the most part, I am heartbroken at the sight of this and hoping my assumptions are dead wrong. A very small part of me, however, is jealous enough to feel triggered. I realize that feeling the slightest bit of envy towards this person is silly. A good chunk of my life was spent in that living hell, so why would I feel this way? 

As I was laying in bad last night, I realized that I am not necessarily envious of this person's weight, but more so of the control she has over her life; even if it is a false sense of control. In the twisted mindset that comes with an eating disorder, I find myself longing for that feeling of numbness. Rather than feeling disappointment, heartbreak, loneliness, or anger, this person keeps her emotions in check at all times. A part of me is also reminded of the high my eating disorder gave me. For once in my life, I felt worthy because I could control my weight and now that is gone. The "who am I without my eating disorder?" thoughts have returned.

Thankfully after a good nights rest, I woke up this morning with a different perspective on the situation. Although it would be nice to avoid uncomfortable emotions, that would also mean I would not know how to experience the good emotions. During my eating disorder I was so detached from my emotions that as I began recovery, experiencing joy and happiness felt extremely foreign. Somehow I felt like I was doing something wrong by actually feeling my feelings. Now, a year into my recovery, I often feel obnoxiously happy. Without years of pain, I would not be able to take advantage of all of the beauty left in my life.

Although it also felt nice to have some control over my weight and other situations in my life, I have finally reached a point where I can see the opposite was true - my eating disorder was controlling me. Eating disorder patients often refer to that high they get from feeling "empty" or binging and purging, but I can finally see that those supposed highs don't compare to the joyful highs I now feel in my everyday life.

Next Tuesday when I have this class again, I know the individual who sits in front of me will be somewhat of a distraction. Luckily for me, however, I can choose to view the situation however I want. This will not be the last time I will encounter someone who physically appears to have an eating disorder, but that does not mean I need to let it affect me. Once again, I will emphasize that I am making assumptions and I could be completely wrong about this person's heath; that doesn't make it any less triggering though.

Like I have said a million times before, triggers will always be there, it's how we choose to deal with them that pushes us further into recovery.

Progress.

P.S. Last January I wrote a post called Unexpected Triggers, which is why this is Part 2. After rereading the original post this morning, it's exciting to see the change in myself after a few short months. I think that deserves another... Progress. :)

Food-Related Baggage

"It would be awesome if all of our

unique food-related baggage were something

we could eventually abandon

like so much unclaimed luggage at an airport

in some distant city.

Unfortunately it tends to find us wherever we go,

no matter how many times we assert

that we’ll never put on that

stupid ugly self-hating dress ever again.

Backsliding is inevitable

and it is okay when it happens;

disordered eating patterns don’t evolve

because a person is unintelligent or lazy,

they evolve as coping mechanisms

and even survival tactics.

We can’t expect ourselves to just forget the means

by which we’ve managed to get through the hard stuff,

because in most of our lives the hard stuff doesn’t stop coming

just because we’ve made efforts to address

an eating disorder or any other addictive behavior."

I stumbled across this quote sometime last fall (and I honestly don't know the source), but it seems to hold a much stronger meaning with me now than it did back then.

Recovery is difficult for many of us because we are forced to unlearn our old coping mechanisms and then slowly learn new, healthy coping mechanisms. Anytime a person practices something for an extended period of time, such as an eating disorder, it simply becomes second nature.

During the time of my eating disorder, I often felt that others saw me as unintelligent or lazy because I remained stuck in a self-destructive cycle. Why couldn't I just STOP?!

Life never stops and it is constantly changing. Although many of us with eating disorders do our best to avoid change, it is impossible to do so without consequences. So, even though food-related baggage isn't something we can necessarily abandon, through recovery, however, we are given daily opportunities to deal with it in a much healthier manner.

Progress.

Choosing Recovery

"The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don’t want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy."
-Carrie Arnold

Two nights ago I read this post called "What it Means to Choose Recovery" written by Carrie Arnold on her blog "ED Bites," (which is the most brilliant eating disorder blog ever) and it got me thinking about my own recent choices in recovery.

As much as I hate to admit this, over the past 3 weeks my weight has progressively decreased. Nothing serious, I'm still in my range, but enough to make me stop and reflect on what has changed.

Today is the last day of my semester. YAY! However, with the stress of finals, an exciting guest speaking opportunity coming up, pressures to find a summer job, trying to figure out the ridiculously stupid student loan process, a few personal relationships coming to an end, and a lack of sleep, I feel a little shaken.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention recovery, the most important thing on my to-do list is always on my mind as well.

I am quickly discovering there is a really tricky place in recovery where even though I want to live "normally," I also need to make sure I remember to constantly choose recovery. As Carrie Arnold said, recovery is a choice I need to make multiple times a day, and for me, I am learning, this is especially important when life gets busy. The scary thing is, however, life is only going to get busier as I continue to recover making my choices even more important.

Recently choosing to focus on "life" has come before recovery. My meal planning has slipped a little and as the scale has shown, it's affecting my weight. I can't tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just eat and deal with stress like normal people?" It's frustrating.

Sometimes I forget to remember that even though my life is slowly piecing itself back together, I am still in recovery. It's kind of scary how quickly those eating disordered thoughts creep up and how easy it is to miss a few calories here and there because I am "too busy" or "too stressed." Luckily, I have a choice. The choice of recovery.

The bottom line is, choosing recovery - a million times a day if needed - comes first. Period. Life will always "throw me curve balls" as my dad would say, but unless I am taking care of myself none of that other stuff matters. 

Progress.

Failure

FAILURE:

1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends
2. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short
3. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - the first time I went to CMU I failed out. Yes, little-miss-goodie-two-shoes Kelsi failed out of school. 

At that time in my life, I began feeling my social anxiety take over and as I continued to skip class, the isolation became my go-to coping mechanism. My eating disorder became more important than my grades. Every time I sat down to study I became so overwhelmed that I would throw in the towel before I even got started. There were countless mornings where I would drive to class, but found myself unable to get out of the car.

I ran away from everything and everyone during those years.

Without any other options, I applied to culinary school and luckily they accepted everyone regardless of past school experiences and GPA. With all of my guilt and shame from being a failure still riding heavily on my shoulders, I decided running away from my problems was the answer. Looking back on it all now, however, I see moving/running to Traverse City was only a temporary solution to many unresolved issues and in the long run it only escalated my disorder.

While my years in Traverse City did have some great moments, I could never truly enjoy them because there was always a little voice in the back of my head screaming "FAILURE!" My eating disorder became the only thing I felt truly successful in; everything else was there to cover up my guilt.

 Now that I have been through treatment for my eating disorder and am trying to get my life back on track, I find myself facing many of my past failures. This week is finals week and every time I sit down to study, I face my fear of failing.

But maybe they weren't failures at all. 

Maybe my past is just a small part of my story.

Maybe failure is the only way to grow.

Maybe failure is a huge part of success.

Maybe if I can convince myself that I needed to go through those difficult times to become the person I am today, then I won't view my past as one big failure. Sometimes we really do need to go through the rough times before we can appreciate the joyful times.

This week as I take my finals and finish up my first (in many ways) successful semester, I know I will be reminded of my past failures. Instead of piling on more guilt, like I have done in the past, I think it's time to remove a little of that weight from my shoulders.

This semester as I take my finals, I can breathe a little easier knowing my past failures have fueled countless positive changes in my life.

Progress.

Body Acceptance

Like I mentioned in an earlier post, my family has been coming to this same vacation spot in St. Augustine for years. Thinking back, I can't think of one year that I felt comfortable in my swimsuit. Every year I went on a spring break diet and exercise plan, but it only seemed to make me more self conscious. Meals were always dreaded because I knew eating would leave me feeling bloated and disgusting. 

One year I became so starved (or emotional, I'm not sure. Maybe both.) that I stole a jar of peanut butter and a half eaten box of crackers from the pantry and ate nearly all of it in secrecy. This incident was before my purging days, so I was forced to endure the guilt involved with binging. My entire trip was ruined as a result because I thought I was fat. I remember feeling really irritated with my family members who could eat three meals a day, plus snacks and still feel comfortable in their own skin. It did not make any sense to me. 

It's difficult for me to believe that I am even saying this, but for the past three days I have gone for walks on the beach wearing only my swimsuit. Before leaving for this trip, I was scared to death to simply buy a swimsuit and I hadn't even considered actually wearing it in public.

Here's the craziest part of all - I felt more confident in my suit this year than I ever have in my entire life. As I was walking, I kept thinking of all of the amazing things my body has done for me: It has recovered from a state of self-starvation, it has allowed my metabolism to work normally again, it has helped my bones grow strong again, and most importantly, it has allowed me to feel happiness again. I wasn't worrying about whether or not my body looked perfect - because we all know it never will - instead I was feeling proud of the hard work that has allowed me to enjoy those moments.

  

Body acceptance is a state of mind that I never thought I could reach. Ironically, however, now that I have been at a healthy weight for an extended period of time, I feel more comfortable in my body than I ever did while I was sick. My body image was actually worse 50lbs ago than it is right now.

 

My metabolism has also fired up again. Although it does take time and continuous eating to help the metabolism work properly again, it does happen. When I was restricting my calories, my body would cling onto every morsel of food I did feed it because it didn't know when it would receive fuel again, which causes the awful bloating. By eating regularly, however, not only do I feel better mentally and physically, the bloating has also gone away. My body has re-learned how to digest food - YAY! 

This is a huge step for me. By facing my fear of looking fat in my swimsuit on the beach, I have found a new sense of body acceptance. Amazingly, one year ago, my biggest fear was weight gain and here I am feeling better than ever before in my own skin. 

Progress.

Rain, Rain Go Away...

For the past five days we have seen nothing but heavy rain and occasional sleet. For the next five days, the forecast is predicting nothing but heavy rain and occasional sleet. 

Back when I was in the midst of my eating disorder, I used to crave rainy days. When the weather was gloomy, I didn't feel as much pressure to put on a happy face; it was a perfect excuse to sleep the day away, and I could blame my low mood on the weather. Rainy days bring out my depression, which isn't something I talk about very often. 

Depression and anxiety are often two of the most common underlying issues associated with eating disorders and I was no stranger to either of them. While anxiety was (and still is) typically a much bigger issue for me, depression always found a way to sneak up on me when I least expected it. Initially, before I was diagnosed or treated for an eating disorder, I was prescribed anti-depressants; like taking pills would magically solve all of my problems.

One of my favorite quotes about depression comes from a book I read years ago: Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love." I read this book very recently after being diagnosed with depression and this quote about depression and loneliness has stuck with me ever since;

“They flank me-Depression on my left, loneliness on my right. They don't need to show their badges. I know these guys very well. ...then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that... But he [Depression] just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.”

While stuck in a bought of depression, it can feel absolutely hopeless and as Gilbert describes, it often confiscates my identity. Some of the most common depression symptoms include: lack of interest, difficulty concentrating, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness, insomnia or excessive sleeping, change in appetite, and persistent aches and pains, to name a few.

Eating disorders and depression are a deadly combination. Being severely underweight and malnourished can cause psychological changes to the brain that have been proven to negatively affect mood. Perfectionistic tendencies and feelings of inadequacy, which I have discussed multiple times on this blog, only add to the fire, making those depressive thoughts even worse.

Depression is just one of the many mental health disorders commonly involved with eating disorders; obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar, borderline personality, and panic disorders may be involved as well. In addition, substance abuse, self harm, and even potential suicidal behaviors are coexisting issues and can all lead to depression and anxiety; making the recovery process that much more difficult.

The mental health world is a scary one for most people, myself included. By admitting that I do struggle with depression, anxiety and substance abuse, in addition to my eating disorder leaves me feeling self indulgent and weak; once again adding to the depression fire.

The good news is, however, I have learned that mental health disorders are nothing to be ashamed of. I have been shocked multiple times to find out people I would never expect, also struggle with similar issues. Just like I would never treat someone suffering from cancer with disrespect, I should never be disrespectful towards myself and my issues.

Eating disorders are the number one cause of death among all mental health disorders. This is not a matter that should be taken lightly.

Thanks to this rain, I have been constantly reminded of my old depressive ways. Although there is still nothing better than a nap in the rain, my depression no longer jumps for joy on rainy days. Depression might occasionally sneak up on me from time to time, but I no longer feel the need to spend my entire day indulging.

Yes, this weather is awful, but today I am choosing to snuggle up with a big mug of hot cocoa, my girl, Muzzy, and enjoy feeling cozy- rather than depressed.

Progress.

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Swimsuit Shopping

In a week and a half I am heading to Florida for some much needed relaxation and sunshine. For five days straight, I have nothing planned except getting a start on my summer tan. What could be better than that?

The only downside to my mini vacation, however, is trying to find a swimsuit. For obvious reasons, my suit from last year does not even come close to fitting and I'm pretty sure I threw it out sometime last fall. For the lucky few people who actually enjoy swimsuit shopping, I seriously envy you. For the rest of us, on the other hand, it can be one of the most dreaded days of the year. After recently gaining a significant amount of weight, I wasn't even sure if I had the guts to enter a fitting room to begin the process of finding the right fit. 

Earlier this week, to my surprise, I did find the courage to do a little swimsuit shopping. Over the past few months, I have learned some great shopping strategies to help keep my body image in check. My favorite is to grab a bunch of different sizes, bring them to the fitting room, try them on WITHOUT looking at the tag, and just go with the one that fits the best.

If I am being completely honest, I had planned on buying a one-piece to cover up my new shape. Thankfully as I was looking at the suits, however, I decided I was way too young to go for the one-piece. 

After trying on what felt like every single suit in the store, ironically, I went with the very first one I tried on. Why does that always seem to happen? It fit perfectly, it is my favorite color, pink, and it is a size XL.  

Yes, I did stupidly give in and look at the size on the tag, which almost gave me heart attack. Am I really a size XL?! 

Am I crazy for posting these pictures? Absolutely.

Is my body at a healthy weight? Yup.

Did I spend hours in the gym before swimsuit shopping? I haven't worked out in over a year.

Do I eat Reese's peanut-butter cups everyday? Religiously.

Am I 45-50 pounds heavier than the last time I wore a swimsuit? Yes.

Does it matter? Not at all.

For the first time in a decade, I am not obsessing about the amount of weight I want to lose before spring break. The swimsuit I bought fits my body now, rather than the body I dream of having; even if it is an XL.

When I was underweight and very sick, I always wondered why they even made bikinis above a size small. As I type that now, I realize how incredibly ridiculous and flat out rude that sounds, but when I was sick, I honestly did not understand how anyone above a size 2 could feel comfortable in a swimsuit.

As much as I was dreading swimsuit shopping, it actually turned out to be somewhat of a turning point in my recovery. I know I have said it a million times and even wear a bracelet that says "numbers do not define me," but for the first time I really, truly believe it. In this particular swimsuit, I'm a size XL and - dare I say it - I feel pretty darn good in it.

(Serious) Progress.

 

Giving Up vs. Letting Go

“There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. 

Giving up means selling yourself short. 

It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck. 

Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. 

It means removing toxic people and belief systems from your life so that you can make room for relationships and ideas that are conducive to your well being and happiness. 

Giving up reduces your life. 

Letting go expands it. 

Giving up is imprisoning. 

Letting go is liberation.

 Giving up is self-defeat. 

Letting go is self-care. 

So the next time you make the decision to release something or someone that is stifling your happiness and growth, and a person has the audacity to accuse you of giving up or being weak, remind yourself of the difference. 

Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live your life in the way that feels right. 

 No one has the authority to tell you who to be or how to live. 

No one gets to decide what your life should look like or who should be a part of it. 

No one, but you.”

 -Danielle Koepke

Progress. 

Fat Grams & Fear Foods

When I think of facing fear foods, I am instantly taken back to a very specific moment in treatment.

On my third or fourth day, before I was planning my own meals, I walked into the kitchen to see two Little Debbie zebra cakes on my plate. At the time, I was also doing my best to stop taking anti-anxiety medications before meals, prescribed to me at my previous treatment center, but those zebra cakes sent me sprinting to the nurse's office demanding my meds.

At the time, eating a fear food made me feel disgusting, weak, guilty, and out of control.

One part of my eating disorder I do not talk about very often is my binge/purge cycle. Countless trips were made to the grocery store, only to come home with grocery bags filled with the cheapest junk food I could get my hands on. During a state of starvation, it didn't really matter what I ate, as long as I could binge as a way to numb out for the time being.

As much as I hate to admit it, even while I was in culinary school, Little Debbies were one of the many binge foods I ate on a regular basis. So, sitting down to eat the zebra cakes in treatment, not only meant eating way more sugar and fat grams than I usually would in a week, it also brought back all of those awful binge/purge memories.

One of the most common fears in recovery is fat grams. Any food that contains even a trace of fat can send off trigger red flags for many. Fat, however, plays a very important role in proper functioning of the human body.

Fat Functions:

-Provides energy storage

-Helps vitamins A, D, E, and K be properly adsorbed in the bloodstream

-Body temperature control through insulation

-Aids in brain development

-Essential fatty acids are not naturally produced by the body, only through the diet

If you need more convincing that fat is crucial in a successful recovery, there was a study done recently to prove it:

*"Lindsay P. Bodell and Laurel E.S. Mayer MD, of New York State Psychiatric Institute, New York City, have targeted what they feel is an important relapse risk factor for AN patients, the percentage of body weight after weight restoration. In an earlier study, the authors had identified the percentage of body fat as a factor that increased the risk of relapse among 26 AN patients. In a newer study reported in the International Journal of Eating Disorders (2010), the researchers found that a lower percentage of adipose tissue after short-term weight normalization was associated with a poorer outcome during the first year after inpatient treatment.

Of the 21 participants, the outcome for 10 was categorized as "full," "good," or "fair," but for 11 others, it was "poor." As the authors had expected, there was a significant difference in body mass index, or BMI between the full, good, or fair results groups and the poor outcome group: 20.8 kg/m2 vs.16.2 kg/m2, respectively."

In addition to all of this information supporting fat in the diet, I have forgotten to mention the return of the menstrual cycle in girls recovering from eating disorders; a certain amount of body fat is needed for this to regulate. This is important if having children is a future goal.

Facing fear foods and fat grams was really scary for me in the beginning, but every time I did it, it became a tiny bit easier. Without any fat in my diet, I would not be able to enjoy some of my favorite foods; such as, chocolate, peanut butter, bacon, cheese, ice cream, dark chocolate roasted almonds, and avocados. At one time, these were all considered high risk fear foods for me and would instantly send me into the binge/purge cycle, but now I can enjoy them on a daily basis.

Some days I feel as though recovery has put too much fat on my body. However, if it means my body will function better and there is a smaller chance of relapsing, I will gladly accept the fat.

I think I will go enjoy a little moose tracks ice cream now.

Progress.


*Judith D. Banker, PhD and Kelly L. Klump, PhD
Eating Disorders Review
July/August 2010 Volume 21, Number 4

Healing

"Sometimes it feels like you aren't moving forward. As if the past has caught up with you yet again. That is a lie. Look at who you are now compared to a year ago. Every day has been a step forward. Every day you get out of bed and face the world with courage and sincerity matters.

 
You've got to take a moment to take it all in and understand that time will not speed up even for you. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with the wounds you carry. True, lasting healing cannot be tricked or rushed. But you must remember that you are healing. Hold on to that truth. Whether you see it or feel it, healing is taking place in your mind, body, spirit, and life."

 I read this quote and instantly knew it needed to be shared.

One of the most common misconceptions about recovering from an eating disorder is that once a person has reached a healthy weight, they are healed. Magically cured. Ready to go. 

While I was still in treatment, my insurance cut out as soon as I hit a certain weight. They believed that I had spent enough time there and was ready to face the world; as if weight was the only factor involved in the healing process. Luckily, for me, my parents were willing to help fight the insurance company and cover the costs, if necessary, until I felt ready to leave.

This isn't always the case, however. Some patients are forced to leave treatment, without a heads up, the same day the insurance company decides they are done; there are very few things that make me more upset.

Also, after leaving treatment, I felt as though I was expected to be fully recovered. Looking back, I think that was more of a pressure that I put on myself, but that is not always the case. Many patients are expected to go directly back to work or school during the most difficult phase of healing: the transitional period.

Upon leaving treatment, I felt just as scared to go home as I did on my first day in treatment. I always joke that my parents dropped me off kicking and screaming (and I may or may not have chased them as they left the parking lot), but I was ready to move in and stay forever when it came time to leave.

Treatment had become my comfort zone. I knew I was safe there. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who understood me; how could I possibly give that up?

The real work in recovery begins after leaving treatment. Without anyone watching my back 24/7 to make sure I was eating, recovery became my responsibility. On top of that, I was forced to deal with all of the negative, self criticizing emotions that I had been numbing out for years. Instead of being in group therapy 40 hours a week, I was suddenly only allowed one measly hour of therapy per week. To make matters worse, throw in the expectation that I am cured and ready to go back to work or school. Are you kidding me?

Healing takes time. Lots of time.

Just like the quote says:
Be patient with yourself.
Be gentle with the wounds you carry.
True, lasting healing cannot be tricked or rushed.
But you must remember you are healing.
Hold onto that truth.

Although it would be nice to fast forward to a time in my life where this eating disorder no longer haunts me, I know I am not there yet. Trusting in the process is not always easy, but by doing so, I am allowing myself to heal.

Progress.

"Fat Poem"

Please take the time to watch this video. You won't regret it.

A good friend of mine posted this video yesterday and I knew instantly it needed to be shared. As I watched with tear soaked cheeks, it brought back way too many memories of days I spent purging on the bathroom floor. 

Earlier this month, I did a post about Eating Disorder Awareness Month; the video goes into a little detail about the dangers of eating disorders, but I thought it would be a good idea to elaborate to keep with the awareness trend. Also, because the "Fat Poem" video is so powerful, I wanted to keep the focus on that and keep this post simple. 

Here is a list of the dangers associated with eating disorders:

Malnutrition

Dehydration

Electrolyte Imbalances

Heart Disease

Bone Loss

Muscle Weakness

Hair Loss

Dry Skin

Brittle Nails

Intestinal Damage

Enamel Erosion

Loss of Menstrual Cycle

Infertility

Headaches

Brain Damage

Decreased Blood Pressure

Decrease Heart Rate

Thyroid Damage

Lanugo

Constipation

Mild Anemia

Reduced Muscle Mass

Lightheadedness

Depression 

Anxiety

OCD Tendencies

Slowed Reaction Time

Irritability

Isolation

Preoccupied Thoughts

Mood Swings

Fatigue

Insomnia

Inflamed Esophagus

Swollen Cheeks

Edema

Kidney Infection & Failure

Osteoporosis

Easily Bruised Skin

Cramps

Bloating

Peptic Ulcers

Pancreatitis

Seizures

Death

Phew. Sadly, I know I missed quite a few. 

For the first time in a decade, I am taking part in Eating Disorder Awareness Month on the other side; the recovery side. Just like I teared up as I watched that video, I am now tearing up as I realize how much time I wasted putting myself in danger of every single one of these health risks. Eating disorders are scary and often times feel hopeless, but I am firm believer that if I can overcome my addictions, all of you can, too. 

Just like the "Fat Poem" video says, freedom is possible.  

Progress.