This past week has been one of the most difficult and stressful weeks I have had since I have been home from treatment. It was back to school week. My emotions were all over the place. On Tuesday I couldn't leave campus fast enough and ended up in a fit of anxiety and tears when I finally did begin driving home. Due to the new schedule, my eating was all over the place. Most of the week I felt hungrier than usual, due to stress or the extra walking around campus or both, and as much as I hate to admit it, that hungry feeling provided me with a sick sense of satisfaction.
Being back on the same campus where many of my eating disordered behaviors began and after three semesters failed out of, is a little triggering to say the least. I am forced to face many of my past insecurities head-on each time I go to class. It's difficult to say whether or not I will ever be 100% comfortable on that campus, but I am willing to give it time and hope for the best.
I survived my first week and thought a celebration was needed.
Without going into too much detail, out of shame, let's just say I used a poor coping mechanism to 'celebrate.' I slipped up and I'm not proud of it.
Luckily, I have really great friends to fall back on in situations like these. My "little sister," as I like to call her, reminded me last night that mistakes and slips are inevitable. Recovery is never, ever perfect. I got off track with my eating a little bit yesterday, but as my little sis said, all I can do today is get right back to it. "Just know what you are doing this for. Your future, career, your LIFE," were the exact words that pulled me out of my funk yesterday.
When these slip-ups happen, I have two choices: I can let it keep me down, throw a pity party, and continue to stay off track OR I can learn from it, pick myself up, and allow it to make me better. I think the latter is a much better option.
As I am continuing down this road to recovery, I have learned the slip-up itself isn't nearly as important as how it is dealt with the following day.
I am imperfect.
We all make mistakes.
Today is a brand new opportunity to make the right choices in my recovery. Oddly, I actually feel great this morning. I know from here on out, every time I face my fears at school, it will get a little easier and that is what this blog and recovery are all about.