Are All Women Addicted to Disordered Eating?

“As feminist writer Naomi Wolf argues, the times in history when women have made the greatest political gains—getting the vote, gaining reproductive freedom, securing the right to work outside the home—have also been moments when standards for “ideal” beauty became significantly thinner and the pressure on women to adhere to those standards increased. Wolf explains that this serves both to distract women from their growing political power and to assuage the fears of people who don’t want the old patriarchal system to change—because if women are busy trying to shrink themselves, they won’t have the time or energy to shake things up. It’s hard to smash the patriarchy on an empty stomach, or with a head full of food and body concerns, and that’s exactly the point of diet culture.”

-Christy Harrison

My most recent Debunking Addiction piece has been published.

Here’s a link: Are Women Addicted to Disordered Eating?

This week I wrote about disordered eating as an addiction. This topic has been near and dear to my heart for over a decade. Ongoing diet talk among the women at my job inspired this piece. It seems like body hatred and calorie restriction are normal topics of conversation. In this piece, I attempt to uncover why we, as women, believe that disordered eating makes us “good,” while eating sugar and carbohydrates makes us “bad.” When did our bodies become an issue of morality?

If not for my past with an eating disorder, I would probably still engage in and subscribe to the lies of diet culture. I would still be addicted to disembodiment like the rest of society. My relationship with food might never be perfect, but at least I no longer believe that my worth as a woman is tied to the size of my body.

Progress.

Childless Thirty-Five-Year-Old Woman

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. Thirty-five feels icky, like a big fat reminder that my youth is gone. Every person who found out I was turning thirty-five responded by asking if I had kids. When I said no, they weren’t afraid to remind me that my biological clock is ticking. Childless thirty-five-year-old women seem to be an anomaly, especially among older white folks.

My childhood best friend recently gave birth to her fifth kid. Our post-high school paths could not have been more different. She did everything “right” according to societal norms. She found a guy who makes a lot of money, tied that shit down early, and now homeschools five little ones. I, on the other hand, did everything “wrong.” The only thing I’ve done five times since high school is get arrested.

The full moon in Pisces brought a heavy wave of grief. The older I get, the more aware I am of how unorthodox my life has been. My life experiences do not fit a traditional mold, requiring me to pave my own path without a blueprint from past generations (Alexa, play You’re on Your Own, Kid by Taylor Swift).

One thing I never thought I’d say is: I spent my 35th birthday alone and wouldn’t have had it any other way. I had the day off from work and stayed in my PJs. I took two naps, ate four pieces of cake, and took my dog for a 39-degree, vitamin D-replenishing bike ride. I attended three Tempest calls, pulled some tarot cards, meditated, and ordered take-out Thai food for dinner. I let myself cry and grieve and process.

That might not seem like a typical birthday celebration, but spending a day in solitude is the most soothing practice in my sobriety toolkit. To recharge, I need at least one day each week where I can just be without having to fake or change my emotions. Resting and metabolizing in silence is a luxury.

Being alone feels like a revolutionary act because I avoided it for almost thirty-three years. Pre-sobriety, I spent all my free time with bulimia and alcohol. To be alone and not self-harm is the ultimate celebration.

This morning I noticed that my grief has morphed into relief. Honestly, I couldn’t be more grateful to ring in my 35th year without kids. Maintaining my mental health, processing complex PTSD, navigating recovery in a diet and alcohol-obsessed culture, paying my bills in late-stage capitalism, staying out of jail, and keeping myself alive is hard work. I can’t imagine having the extra responsibility of kids. 

Being a proud childless thirty-five-year-old woman and breaking free from my conservative upbringing might seem controversial, but if Chelsea Handler can do it, so can I. My worth as a woman is not dependent upon reproduction. I am allowed to make my own decisions about my own body.

Trying to fit into the narrow, heteronormative, misogynistic box of womanhood almost killed me. Childless thirty-five-year-old women are not a sign of immorality. We are a sign of freedom. Just because my life doesn’t look a certain way doesn’t mean I did anything wrong.

Someday I will get my driver’s license back, buy an RV, travel with three dogs, and write a book. My biological clock might be ticking, but that doesn’t mean I can’t give birth to my dreams.

Progress.

The Criminalization of Addiction

My next piece of writing for the Debunking Addiction blog has been published. 

Here’s a link: Debunking the Criminalization of Addiction

This is a topic that boils my blood. Nothing is more inhumane than criminalizing folks for using drugs to cope with their trauma. Every time I got arrested for my addiction, my addiction got worse. My shame and trauma compounded, making me less likely to get better. Carrying around a criminal record is heavy. It hinders the hiring process, makes me ineligible for decent housing and insurance coverage, and creates a mountain of fees and debt. The criminal justice system is not interested in healing people. They’re interested in punishment and keeping people trapped. 

Without money and white privilege, the criminal justice system is inescapable. The war on drugs is nothing more than a monetization of people’s pain. Reaching out for help is terrifying because it results in heavy stigma and potential jail time. It’s no wonder overdoses have reached epidemic levels. 

We live in a world that believes people like me are unworthy of fundamental human rights. Worse yet, we live in a world that believes alcohol use is okay for some people while we criminalize others for the same behavior. It makes no sense.

If we want folks to heal from addiction, the criminalization of addiction must end. 

Handcuffs are not the answer.

Progress. 

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