Thinking Errors

In my fist class yesterday, I found out my English teacher wants to keep my final research paper for an example to use for future classes. As I walked to my next class, I felt like I was on top of the world and couldn't stop smiling at random people (who probably thought I was crazy). The sun was shining and life was good.

In my second class, however, I had a lab exam that I had spent hours studying for, but ended up getting a not-so-good grade. Before I even turned the exam in, I knew it was not my best work and the self critical thoughts immediately out numbered my "I feel smart" thoughts from the class before. As I got in my car to drive home, the need for my afternoon nap hit me pretty hard. I immediately crawled into my bed when I got home and let myself drown in the negatives.

The most frustrating thing is, I knew exactly what I was doing. In that moment, I was allowing a thinking error to dictate my mood. After years of therapy, I am finally realizing when I am engaging in a few of the most common thinking errors.

Thinking errors, also known as cognitive distortions, are extremely common in people who suffer from anxiety or depression; which are typically underlying issues for an eating disorder. By engaging in thinking errors, I am allowing myself to believe something that isn't even true. Once I start going along with these thinking errors, I begin that downward mental spiral that I always refer to in my posts. 

Sadly, after many years of engaging in thinking errors, I have become very good at believing they are true. The first step in changing this problem is to recognize them when they happen; so I made a list (from an old worksheet I was given in treatment) of some of the most common thinking errors:

Mental Filter:

Mental filtering is when we focus exclusively on the most negative and upsetting features of a situation, filtering out all of the more positive aspects. For example, my day yesterday; I received a huge compliment on my research paper, but completely forgot about it after bombing my lab exam.

"All-or-nothing" Thinking:

“All or nothing” thinking is when we see things purely in “black-or-white”. These types of thoughts are characterized by terms such as “always”, “never” or “every”. Everything is seen as “good or bad”, “successes or failures” and it is generally the negative perspective that is more readily endorsed, ignoring the shades of gray that lie in between. An example of this, would be me feeling guilty for not getting 100% on a test and thinking of myself as a failure (which also happened yesterday).

Overgeneralization:

Someone thinking in an over generalizing way will often see a single unpleasant incident or event as evidence of “everything being negative”. If something bad happens then it will be seen as part of a never-ending pattern of negativity and defeat. A bad job interview or a bad date, for example, might lead someone to believe they will never get a job or fall in love. 

Jumping to Conclusions:

An individual who ‘jumps to conclusions’ will often make a negative interpretation or prediction even though there is no evidence to support their conclusion. This type of thinking is often made when thinking about how others feel towards us and is often divided into two categories: 

        -Mind Reading: Assuming the thoughts and intentions of others.

       - Fortune-telling: Anticipating the worse and taking that as fact.

Magnifying/Minimizing:

Thinking in a magnifying or minimizing manner is when we exaggerate the importance of negative events and minimize or down-play the importance of positive events. In depressed individuals, it is often the positive characteristics of other people that are exaggerated and negatives understated.

Personalization: 

A person engaging in personalization will automatically assume responsibility and blame for the cause of negative events that are not under their control.  

"Shoulds" & "Oughts" 

Individuals thinking in “shoulds”, ‘oughts” or “musts” have an ironclad view of how they and others ‘should’ and ‘ought’ to be. These rigid views or rules can generate feels of anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment and guilt if not followed.

Emotional Reasoning:
Emotional reasoning is when we assume feelings reflect fact regardless of the evidence– “I feel it, therefore it must be true”. “If I feel ugly and stupid, then I must actually be ugly and stupid” or “I feel guilty, therefore I must have done something bad and be a bad person”.

By taking the time to recognize these thinking errors, I am also giving myself an opportunity to change the way I react to them. In yesterday's situation, I could have reminded myself of the nearly perfect grade I received on my English paper and focused on that instead. Our brains are extremely powerful tools, but it's also important to remember that not everything we believe is true.

Next time something like this happens, I will do my best to recognize my thinking errors and move on with my day. Sounds simple enough, right?

Progress.

Three Eating Disorder Personality Groups

For years, I have questioned why I developed an eating disorder. My childhood was as close to perfect as it gets and I never went through any terribly traumatic experiences. So I am constantly questioning why me? As a result, self critical thoughts take over and my guilt continues to build.

A few days ago, a dear friend of mine suggested that I read the book "Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders" written by Aimee Liu. No more than an hour later I had downloaded it to my Ipad and haven't been able to put it down since. 

In the second chapter Liu refers to a study done in 2001 at Boston University suggesting, "People with anorexia and bulimia, they found, tend to fall into three distinct - and mostly lifelong - temperamental groups, all marked by high anxiety."  

According to this study, the first group is called the over-controlled group which,

"Includes most restricting anorexics and a majority of bulimics. They "feel like they have nothing inside." They avoid social contact; tightly control their appetites for food and for sex; limit their pleasures; and withdraw from excitement, sensation, and risk."

The second group is a group called the perfectionistic group and includes,

"Most bulimics and minority of restricting anorexics. These are the conscientious "good girls" who aim to please, excel, and conform. They worry about the details but are often so fearful of making a mistake that they can't get their work in on time. They read an arched eyebrow as contempt, a frown as a stiletto through the heart. They are intensely self critical."

The third and final group is called the under-controlled group which,

"Is split about evenly between bulimics and anorexics who binge and purge. Their emotions are intense, their behaviors are impulsive, they tend to fly into rages instead of expressing their anger passively or turning it inward, and they desperately seek relationships to soothe themselves. Like human metronomes, this group might start a diet because their boyfriends tease them, succumb to a billboard's temptation by stealing a Big Mac, then purge after seeing a magazine article about how much Mary-Kate Olsen weighs."

After re-reading this section of the chapter, I stopped and tried to put myself into one of these categories. The problem was, however, I could see a little bit of myself in each of these groups; my social anxiety falls into the over-controlled group, the "good girl" persona, need to excel, conform, and fear of making mistakes in my life put in the perfectionistic group, and I eventually felt a need to escape my "goodie-two-shoes" ways, which resulted in alcohol abuse and put me in the under-controlled group.

The study from Boston University discussed in this chapter, also suggests that people who do not have eating disorders rarely fit these personality categories; while those with eating disorders almost always fall into one or more of them. To me, this just proves that eating disorders are not strictly about food and weight loss, like some people often believe. Eating disorders dig much deeper and unfortunately, these personality traits are biologically a part of who we are. 

As this chapter came to an end, I put my Ipad down and began to think about my eating disorder in a different light; maybe it is not my fault. Maybe certain people are just born with certain anxiety related personality traits that cause them to be more prone to developing an eating disorder. Maybe I can stop placing false blame on myself for being weak and inadequate. Just like some people are born with laziness or lack of organization, I was born with perfectionist tendencies and issues with control. 

I might not necessarily like these personality traits of mine, but recognizing them will only help me learn to deal with them differently. Instead of being an all-or-nothing personality type, slowly, I can learn to see shades of grey.

Today, thanks to my new knowledge and this awesome book (thanks Lia!), I will breathe a little easier knowing this eating disorder is not 100% my fault. 

Progress.

"I'm Not Sick Enough"

Over the past year of so, while talking with people who have experienced the living hell that is an eating disorder, I can't think of one single person who ever believed they were "sick enough" to receive treatment. 

I was no exception to this mentality; even though I knew I was struggling and could not get well on my own, I never thought I was thin enough to get help. There was always going to be someone sicker, thinner, or better than me and that left me feeling unworthy. Looking back on my first day in treatment, I still didn't believe I needed to be there. I was undeserving of professional help. I could clearly see that the other patients in treatment were extremely underweight, but I never saw it in myself. Up until the very end of my downward spiral, I was still working and functioning like a normal person - well, kind of - which meant I was fine to continue living the way I was.

Now that I am in a much healthier state of mind, however, I am left wondering what exactly "sick enough" even means. What was it going to take for me to become aware of how sick I actually was?

The scary thing is, I think for some of us, death felt like the only escape at one point or another. Death was the only way to truly silence my inner critic and eating disordered mind. 

Maybe the belief of not being sick enough was actually my eating disorder's way of controlling me. If I admitted I was sick, it meant it was time to change my disordered ways and for a long, long time nothing seemed worse; not even the end of life itself. 

In my opinion, if you are sick enough to not believe you are sick enough, there is a very good chance you are sick enough to need help - if that makes any sense. It breaks my heart that so many people continue suffering because they are not the sickest eating disorder patient in the world. That "I'm not good enough" voice remains in control far longer than it should. 

For anyone reading this struggling with the dreaded "I'm not sick enough" thoughts, keep in mind just how distorted your thoughts are. If your illness is getting in the way of your life, then there is no shame in reaching out.

For me, the not "sick enough" thought was the equivalent of my not "good enough" thought. Now that I am in recovery and am learning to see the world through a healthier perspective, however, I have realized that there will always be someone smarter, prettier, and thinner than me, but doesn't mean I am inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable.

No matter how sick (or un-sick) I believed I was is irrelevant now. What matters now, is that somewhere over the course of the past year, little by little, I am learning to silence my inner critic. Recovery, for me, has been about finding the parts of myself that are good enough without my eating disorder.

Progress.

Eating Disorder or Disordered Eating?

Recently the term "disordered eating" has been getting a lot of buzz; but what does it mean exactly? Are eating disorders and disordered eating habits really that different? I felt the need to do a little research and find out exactly what the difference was...

According to the National Centre for Eating Disorders, disordered eating can be described as:

"Far more common and widespread than defined eating disorders are atypical eating disorders, or disordered eating. Disordered eating refers to troublesome eating behaviors, such as restrictive dieting, bingeing, or purging, which occur less frequently or are less severe than those required to meet the full criteria for the diagnosis of an eating disorder. Disordered eating can be changes in eating patterns that occur in relation to a stressful event, an illness, personal appearance, or in preparation for athletic competition. The 1997 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Study found that over 4% of students nationwide had taken laxatives, diet pills or had vomited either to lose weight or to keep from gaining weight."

Another definition from the National Eating Disorder Collaboration states:

"Disordered eating is when a person regularly engages in destructive eating behaviours such as restrictive dieting, compulsive eating or skipping meals. Disordered eating can include behaviours which reflect many but not all of the symptoms of eating disorders such as Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, Binge Eating Disorder or Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (EDNOS)."

And just in case you need a few more statistics, an article from ScienceDaily.com titled, "Three out of Four Women have Disordered Eating, Survey Suggests," provides some shocking numbers:

• 75 percent of women report disordered eating behaviors or symptoms consistent with eating disorders; so three out of four have an unhealthy relationship with food or their bodies
• 67 percent of women (excluding those with actual eating disorders) are trying to lose weight
• 53 percent of dieters are already at a healthy weight and are still trying to lose weight
• 39 percent of women say concerns about what they eat or weigh interfere with their happiness
• 37 percent regularly skip meals to try to lose weight
• 27 percent would be “extremely upset” if they gained just five pounds
• 26 percent cut out entire food groups
• 16 percent have dieted on 1,000 calories a day or fewer
• 13 percent smoke to lose weight
• 12 percent often eat when they’re not hungry; 49 percent sometimes do

It is not shocking to me that this many people reportedly have unhealthy relationships with food; what is shocking to me, however, is the definition of disordered eating. This is just my personal opinion, but if a person is regularly engaging in eating disordered symptoms, such as binging and purging, then how is it possible that medical professionals can diagnose them with disordered eating instead of an eating disorder?

There are so many people in this world who are struggling every single day with their eating habits, but are afraid to receive help because they don't believe they are "sick enough," thanks to these stupid definitions. Again, just my personal opinion, but if a person's eating habits are getting in the way of their mental and emotional well being, then they should be considered "sick enough" to receive help.

One other thing that really pushes my buttons is when professionals do not believe a person has an eating disorder (or disordered eating or whatever other incorrect label is put on it) because they are not severely underweight. Let me repeat myself: If a person's eating habits are affecting their mental and emotional well being then they should be considered sick enough to receive help.

I'm not quite sure how this post helps my personal progress, but sometimes simply spreading a little awareness (or common sense) is good enough for me.

Progress.

Life Goes On. People Change.

Life after treatment is such a strange place to be in life. Some days I experience all of the joy and freedom associated with no longer being a prisoner to my eating disorder and finally having the opportunity to chase my dreams. Some days, on the other hand, it feels like I am constantly being blindsided with situations and relationships that leave me feeling clueless.

One thing that I have really struggled with since the moment I stepped foot out of treatment was how to deal with the relationships I had developed while I was there. In that moment, those people were not only the best friends I had ever had, but they were also the only friends I really had at the time. 

Eating disorders are extremely manipulative when it comes to friendships; relationships in general, actually. Somehow my eating disorder made me believe that going out with friends automatically meant there would be food involved; which, of course meant I didn't feel comfortable going. My eating disorder was also very good at making me isolate as a way to "protect" myself. In my disordered mind, no one could possibly understand what I was going through, so there was no point in trying to relate to others. Most days I felt so exhausted after putting on a happy face and pretending like I had myself together, that I instantly turned into a couch potato the moment I got home. 

By the time I entered treatment, I had come close to pushing every single person in my life out of it; making the relationships I did develop in treatment feel like the best thing that ever happened to me. Don't get me wrong, at the time, they were such a blessing. Like I said earlier, for the first time in my entire life, I was surrounded by people who understood me. 

After leaving treatment, however, those relationships drastically change. Some therapists even recommend immediately creating distance from those treatment relationships because people go through recovery at different rates.  Over the past few months, unfortunately, I have had my fair share of feuds and have been forced to use my voice in uncomfortable situations.

There is a constant battle between my head and my heart - do I cling to those relationships from treatment even if I feel bogged down by continuous eating disorder talk or do I move on with my life and risk being called selfish? In my heart, the people-pleaser in me wants to make everyone happy; but in my newly found logical brain, however, I know I cannot jeopardize my progress.

As a firm believer in the idea that everyone enters our lives for a reason, I tend to struggle with the part where people leave our lives; but the truth is, relationships constantly change. Although, I still find myself beating myself up, from time to time, for doing what is right for my health when it hurts others, deep down I know it is necessary.

Relationships intrigue me. Each person has their own unique story to tell. Each person has a different twist on life experiences. Whether we realize it or not, the people we surround ourselves with have the ability to greatly impact our daily decisions. My entire outlook changes when I surround myself with positive, uplifting people.

 Life goes on. People change. People are brought into our lives for a reason, only if for a short period of time. And that's okay. Not everyone I meet is meant to be in my life forever. And that's okay, too.

Recovery is all about taking care of ME. After spending years of putting others' feelings in front of my own, in order to heal, it is finally time to take care of my own feelings for a change.

Progress.

Giving Up vs. Letting Go

“There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. 

Giving up means selling yourself short. 

It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck. 

Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. 

It means removing toxic people and belief systems from your life so that you can make room for relationships and ideas that are conducive to your well being and happiness. 

Giving up reduces your life. 

Letting go expands it. 

Giving up is imprisoning. 

Letting go is liberation.

 Giving up is self-defeat. 

Letting go is self-care. 

So the next time you make the decision to release something or someone that is stifling your happiness and growth, and a person has the audacity to accuse you of giving up or being weak, remind yourself of the difference. 

Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live your life in the way that feels right. 

 No one has the authority to tell you who to be or how to live. 

No one gets to decide what your life should look like or who should be a part of it. 

No one, but you.”

 -Danielle Koepke

Progress. 

Fat Grams & Fear Foods

When I think of facing fear foods, I am instantly taken back to a very specific moment in treatment.

On my third or fourth day, before I was planning my own meals, I walked into the kitchen to see two Little Debbie zebra cakes on my plate. At the time, I was also doing my best to stop taking anti-anxiety medications before meals, prescribed to me at my previous treatment center, but those zebra cakes sent me sprinting to the nurse's office demanding my meds.

At the time, eating a fear food made me feel disgusting, weak, guilty, and out of control.

One part of my eating disorder I do not talk about very often is my binge/purge cycle. Countless trips were made to the grocery store, only to come home with grocery bags filled with the cheapest junk food I could get my hands on. During a state of starvation, it didn't really matter what I ate, as long as I could binge as a way to numb out for the time being.

As much as I hate to admit it, even while I was in culinary school, Little Debbies were one of the many binge foods I ate on a regular basis. So, sitting down to eat the zebra cakes in treatment, not only meant eating way more sugar and fat grams than I usually would in a week, it also brought back all of those awful binge/purge memories.

One of the most common fears in recovery is fat grams. Any food that contains even a trace of fat can send off trigger red flags for many. Fat, however, plays a very important role in proper functioning of the human body.

Fat Functions:

-Provides energy storage

-Helps vitamins A, D, E, and K be properly adsorbed in the bloodstream

-Body temperature control through insulation

-Aids in brain development

-Essential fatty acids are not naturally produced by the body, only through the diet

If you need more convincing that fat is crucial in a successful recovery, there was a study done recently to prove it:

*"Lindsay P. Bodell and Laurel E.S. Mayer MD, of New York State Psychiatric Institute, New York City, have targeted what they feel is an important relapse risk factor for AN patients, the percentage of body weight after weight restoration. In an earlier study, the authors had identified the percentage of body fat as a factor that increased the risk of relapse among 26 AN patients. In a newer study reported in the International Journal of Eating Disorders (2010), the researchers found that a lower percentage of adipose tissue after short-term weight normalization was associated with a poorer outcome during the first year after inpatient treatment.

Of the 21 participants, the outcome for 10 was categorized as "full," "good," or "fair," but for 11 others, it was "poor." As the authors had expected, there was a significant difference in body mass index, or BMI between the full, good, or fair results groups and the poor outcome group: 20.8 kg/m2 vs.16.2 kg/m2, respectively."

In addition to all of this information supporting fat in the diet, I have forgotten to mention the return of the menstrual cycle in girls recovering from eating disorders; a certain amount of body fat is needed for this to regulate. This is important if having children is a future goal.

Facing fear foods and fat grams was really scary for me in the beginning, but every time I did it, it became a tiny bit easier. Without any fat in my diet, I would not be able to enjoy some of my favorite foods; such as, chocolate, peanut butter, bacon, cheese, ice cream, dark chocolate roasted almonds, and avocados. At one time, these were all considered high risk fear foods for me and would instantly send me into the binge/purge cycle, but now I can enjoy them on a daily basis.

Some days I feel as though recovery has put too much fat on my body. However, if it means my body will function better and there is a smaller chance of relapsing, I will gladly accept the fat.

I think I will go enjoy a little moose tracks ice cream now.

Progress.


*Judith D. Banker, PhD and Kelly L. Klump, PhD
Eating Disorders Review
July/August 2010 Volume 21, Number 4

Moments of Weakness

 Yesterday, after putting it off for two weeks, I finally did a little birthday shopping. Many of my eating disordered behaviors began in high school and after losing a few pounds, I would treat myself to a mini shopping spree; making sure to buy the next size down. Clothes became my favorite reward for "good" behavior and a high level of control over my eating habits. 

Now that I have returned to a healthy weight for my body, however, clothes and shopping have become downright depressing. Instantly, I am taken back to the days of easily slipping into the latest trends and feeling a distorted sense of confidence. Yesterday, as I was trying on much bigger sizes, only to find they were still too small, I continuously left the dressing room feeling defeated. 

Immediately after returning home, I laid down and took a two hour nap; which is my go-to coping mechanism when I'm feeling down in the dumps. Instead of enjoying the first sunny day we've had all week, I allowed myself to fall victim to a bad body image day. Somewhere in the midst of trying on clothes, I allowed a meaningless number to dictate my mood.

Logically, I know better than this. The size of my clothes has absolutely nothing to do with my health, happiness, and well being; so why did I allow it to ruin my day? Before I knew it, I was beating myself up for knowing better, but not finding the strength to do anything about it. As I continued to isolate and avoid, I realized I was beating myself up for beating myself up. My head hurts just thinking about it.

This morning, thankfully, after a good nights rest, I can think a little bit more clearly about the situation. Yes, I had a moment (or entire day) of weakness, but the good news is, today is a brand new day. Yesterday my disordered mind won. Today, however, I refuse to let that happen.

To help make today a better body image day, I gathered 20 of my favorite positive body image affirmations:

My self-worth is not determined by the number on the scale.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.
I embrace my flaws, knowing nobody is perfect.
I love _______ about the way I look.
I am grateful for all of the things my body allows me to do.
My health has allowed me to begin rebuilding my life.
The size of my jeans does not dictate happiness.
Friends and family will love me no matter what my weight is.
Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of body.
Every body is unique, special, and different.
I trust my body to use food as fuel to help keep me strong.
My flaws add character.
I have more important things to worry about than my weight.
My body deserves love.
A goal weight is an arbitrary number. How I feel is important.
I choose health and healing over diets and self punishment.
Restricting my food does not make me a better person. Being kind to myself and others makes me a better person.
If I am healthy, I am so very blessed.
There is more to life than losing weight. I am ready to experience it.

   And my very favorite:

Progress is not linear. It's normal for me to go forward, and then backwards, and then forward again.

 

Yesterday I experienced a moment of weakness, but today is a new day and I am making a conscious choice to give my body a little more love.

Progress. 

 

 

Aspen

Last night I was going through old pictures, which typically is not a good idea for those of us recovering from an eating disorder. Old pictures can bring back triggering memories and be

unwelcome reminders of how much weight has been gained. 

For those of you who don't know, I did my internship in Aspen, Colorado a few summers ago. For a small town girl, this was a massive opportunity. Not only was I working in one of the most beautiful cities in the entire country, but I was also working under a James Beard Award nominated chef. Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were guests at one of the many dinner events I helped prepare for. American Idol auditions, Food & Wine and X-Games events have all been held at the Aspen Meadows Resort, where I worked.

All of that aside, the views were simply breathtaking. 

Aspen Meadows Resort

The Dining Room

This internship was a once in a lifetime opportunity; however, there's a part of this experience that nobody knows about. After having somewhat of a nervous breakdown, I texted, because I didn't have the guts to call, my boss and told him I was leaving two weeks early without any notice. The same day, I packed up my things, got in the car and began the 26 hour drive home.

I remember crying on the phone to my mom that I could not do it anymore. They had me working long hours, I was homesick, and I remember specifically saying, "my hair is falling out." This summer and trip to Aspen is when my eating disorder really began to spiral out of control. Prior to this, I was underweight, but it was not nearly as noticeable as when I came home. 

Ever since then, I have felt a huge amount of guilt for not being strong enough to handle such an awesome opportunity. My "I'm not good enough" thoughts really get to me when I think back to this time. This isn't something that I have ever really talked about with anyone, thanks to the amount of shame involved.

Last night, however, after going through those pictures, I realized something for the first time...

Me at the Aspen Food & Wine Classic and me now

I was sick. Although I was still in a state of denial, deep down I knew I could not continue on working. There were nights at work where I literally would have to go sit in the bathroom and just cry because I felt so alone. Most nights, I couldn't focus on doing a good job at work because I was too busy keeping myself from passing out.

Today as I look at that first picture of myself with a much healthier outlook, I can finally see that it was actually a good thing I came home early. The guilt I have carried for years has lifted. I might not ever know why I was given such an amazing opportunity, but that is okay.

This morning I feel grateful for my health and ability to finally reflect on this part of my past with a little self compassion.

Progress.

Photo Credit: Aspen Meadows Resort Website

Healing

"Sometimes it feels like you aren't moving forward. As if the past has caught up with you yet again. That is a lie. Look at who you are now compared to a year ago. Every day has been a step forward. Every day you get out of bed and face the world with courage and sincerity matters.

 
You've got to take a moment to take it all in and understand that time will not speed up even for you. Be patient with yourself. Be gentle with the wounds you carry. True, lasting healing cannot be tricked or rushed. But you must remember that you are healing. Hold on to that truth. Whether you see it or feel it, healing is taking place in your mind, body, spirit, and life."

 I read this quote and instantly knew it needed to be shared.

One of the most common misconceptions about recovering from an eating disorder is that once a person has reached a healthy weight, they are healed. Magically cured. Ready to go. 

While I was still in treatment, my insurance cut out as soon as I hit a certain weight. They believed that I had spent enough time there and was ready to face the world; as if weight was the only factor involved in the healing process. Luckily, for me, my parents were willing to help fight the insurance company and cover the costs, if necessary, until I felt ready to leave.

This isn't always the case, however. Some patients are forced to leave treatment, without a heads up, the same day the insurance company decides they are done; there are very few things that make me more upset.

Also, after leaving treatment, I felt as though I was expected to be fully recovered. Looking back, I think that was more of a pressure that I put on myself, but that is not always the case. Many patients are expected to go directly back to work or school during the most difficult phase of healing: the transitional period.

Upon leaving treatment, I felt just as scared to go home as I did on my first day in treatment. I always joke that my parents dropped me off kicking and screaming (and I may or may not have chased them as they left the parking lot), but I was ready to move in and stay forever when it came time to leave.

Treatment had become my comfort zone. I knew I was safe there. For the first time in my life, I was surrounded by people who understood me; how could I possibly give that up?

The real work in recovery begins after leaving treatment. Without anyone watching my back 24/7 to make sure I was eating, recovery became my responsibility. On top of that, I was forced to deal with all of the negative, self criticizing emotions that I had been numbing out for years. Instead of being in group therapy 40 hours a week, I was suddenly only allowed one measly hour of therapy per week. To make matters worse, throw in the expectation that I am cured and ready to go back to work or school. Are you kidding me?

Healing takes time. Lots of time.

Just like the quote says:
Be patient with yourself.
Be gentle with the wounds you carry.
True, lasting healing cannot be tricked or rushed.
But you must remember you are healing.
Hold onto that truth.

Although it would be nice to fast forward to a time in my life where this eating disorder no longer haunts me, I know I am not there yet. Trusting in the process is not always easy, but by doing so, I am allowing myself to heal.

Progress.

The Negativity Spiral of Doom

Does any of this sound familiar? Yup, it does for me too. 

Negativity is contagious. Whether I start my day off on the wrong foot, or I am simply in the presence of someone who is throwing a pity party, negativity always has a way of creeping up on me.

Negative people surround themselves with negative people, so they don't have to feel so badly about being negative. Trust me, I have been there. Unfortunately, thanks to personal experience, I have found that being positive about a situation requires more effort than sulking in negativity; which seems backwards to me.

Once I am in that negative spiral of doom, it often feels impossible to get out of. The good news is, however, I have found quite a few ways to pull myself out and begin spiraling upward toward positivity.

 Recovery from an eating disorder, for example, is notorious for sucking the happiness out of people. I am often asked how I have remained upbeat during this difficult time, and I think it is a combination of things. Don't get me wrong, I have my downer days, too, but I always know that tomorrow is a fresh start.

Ways to avoid the Negative Spiral of Doom:

1. Surround yourself with positive people. Just like negative people attract negative people, the same seems to be true for positive people attracting positive people.

2. Don't take others negativity personally (I'm horrible at this one). Whether a person is a good mood or a bad mood, it has nothing to do with me; it is a choice they have made. Let me repeat that so it sinks in- it has nothing to do with me!

3. Practice acts of kindness. By spreading good deeds and smiles, you are helping others climb out of the negative spiral. What could be better?

4. Realize that life has its ups and downs. Life is never going to be perfect, so finding ways to go with the flow is a great place to start. It also helps to remember that tomorrow will bring a fresh start.

5. Concentrate on the present moment. Getting caught up in the what-ifs and over thinking destroys any ounce of positivity I might have had. Period.

6. Let go and move on. Sometimes, even though its really difficult, it is necessary to let go of certain things and people that bring you down. It might hurt for the time being, but in the long run it will only make me stronger.

7. Lead by example. Fill your life with things that light your fire and make you feel good about yourself. Others will follow.

8. Find a solution. Sure, a pity party might seem like the easiest thing to do when feeling down, but it only starts that negativity cycle. Do something proactive. Use your voice. Deal with the situation if possible.

9. Lend a helping hand. Helping others get through a difficult time always makes me feel a little better. Even if all I can do to help is listen, knowing I helped is all I need.

10. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. By focusing on the things that I do have, rather than the things I don't, I automatically feel more at peace with myself. 

Above everything, I know I have spent too much of my life suffering and in pain. I have made a decision to be done with that. Some days I feel like that obnoxiously happy person that we all love to hate, but it sure beats being sucked into the Negativity Spiral of Doom.

Progress.