"The problem is that you don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery, over and over and over again. You have to make that choice 5-6 times each day. You have to make that choice even when you really don’t want to. It’s not a single choice, and it’s not easy."
-Carrie Arnold
Two nights ago I read this post called "What it Means to Choose Recovery" written by Carrie Arnold on her blog "ED Bites," (which is the most brilliant eating disorder blog ever) and it got me thinking about my own recent choices in recovery.
As much as I hate to admit this, over the past 3 weeks my weight has progressively decreased. Nothing serious, I'm still in my range, but enough to make me stop and reflect on what has changed.
Today is the last day of my semester. YAY! However, with the stress of finals, an exciting guest speaking opportunity coming up, pressures to find a summer job, trying to figure out the ridiculously stupid student loan process, a few personal relationships coming to an end, and a lack of sleep, I feel a little shaken.
Oh and I almost forgot to mention recovery, the most important thing on my to-do list is always on my mind as well.
Oh and I almost forgot to mention recovery, the most important thing on my to-do list is always on my mind as well.
I am quickly discovering there is a really tricky place in recovery where even though I want to live "normally," I also need to make sure I remember to constantly choose recovery. As Carrie Arnold said, recovery is a choice I need to make multiple times a day, and for me, I am learning, this is especially important when life gets busy. The scary thing is, however, life is only going to get busier as I continue to recover making my choices even more important.
Recently choosing to focus on "life" has come before recovery. My meal planning has slipped a little and as the scale has shown, it's affecting my weight. I can't tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just eat and deal with stress like normal people?" It's frustrating.Sometimes I forget to remember that even though my life is slowly piecing itself back together, I am still in recovery. It's kind of scary how quickly those eating disordered thoughts creep up and how easy it is to miss a few calories here and there because I am "too busy" or "too stressed." Luckily, I have a choice. The choice of recovery.
The bottom line is, choosing recovery - a million times a day if needed - comes first. Period. Life will always "throw me curve balls" as my dad would say, but unless I am taking care of myself none of that other stuff matters.
Progress.
Thank you for your post again. I was told that I would need to ask every morning to myself, "do I choose the disease or recovery?" Then, once I make the decision, I need to take actions accordingly. Since I go to 12 step program, I am aware of this; I will not be cured, but I can arrest my disease. I will never be "normal" when it comes to foods, but I can make progress to be better. Recovery is a daily reprieve, and it requires us to make conscious efforts. Life happens. A couple of more days to go for your finals, I believe. Once it is done, you can pamper yourself :) xoxo
ReplyDeleteYes, it is a continuous choice for sure. Good for you for making the right choice every morning!. Just finished my last final and it's a beautiful day. I think I will work on my tan :)
DeleteGood for you =) Congratulations on your exam! I saw your post in the other blog.. ;-) I don't choose recovery all the time... I like to say what I need to hear for myself, because I forget. Enjoy your summer vacation! xoxo
DeleteThank you! :) And the more you tell yourself those things, the sooner you will believe they are true! xo
DeleteSO true... its easy to let recovery slide to the backburner when you have other things going on. But even when you are weight restored, its still something that will be there. waiting to sneak up on you...
ReplyDeleteIn fact, id say its even more important to stay on top of it post weight gain, cos its not as visibly noticeable as it is when you are very underweight... which almost makes it more dangerous, mentally, if the thoughts and behaviours get a hold again.
You are a tough cookie tho, so i KNOW you will get on top of it! the fact that you've recognised it anyways is a good sign :)
Right im off to read that post now!!! thanks (again!) hun x
Thanks girl! You are so right about it being harder once you are weight restored. I never really thought of it that way. Thanks for point that out. It really does become easy to miss a few calories here and there, but it's just not worth it.
DeleteHope you enjoyed the other "Choosing Recovery" post! xo
Amen to this sister! You're just going to need to take a small break from all the stress and focus on yourself for a while. Things can wait. And now you're completely done with this semester, so you're going to have more free time.
ReplyDeleteMake sure that YOU are your number one priority; you can't have others unless there is a healthy Kelsi.
I'm still super proud of you, especially since you could recognize this and know that you need to focus on recovery first; that alone shows how incredibly far you've come in just a short year!
Love you to the sun and back! Xoxo
Absolutely. I'm not sure why it's so hard to learn that taking care of ourselves should always come first. Thanks for your words of encouragement as always. You are such a great friend to have Kenzie! We need to get together asap. <3
DeleteYES YES YES choosing recovery is a choice that only you can make and keep making. it is tough because life sometimes pushes you away from this priority but it has to be a priority for a while. you are strong and continually amaze me. You know where to find me if you ever need an ear!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Alex! Your blog continues to make me laugh every time you post. Keep it up. :)
DeleteKelsi, "normal people" usually don't deal with stress and eating very well either. Most would tell you they either skip meals while stressed, or like me, over eat as a distraction from what I should be doing. You are doing an amazing job choosing recovery every single day :)
ReplyDeleteAw thanks Leah! That is a really good point and I forget that "normal people" aren't perfect either. Normal people have bad days, it's a part of life. Thank you so much for the reminder and your support. Hope you are savoring the end of your pregnancy! What an exciting time for you :)
Delete