Closing the ED Door

 

The theme of my therapy sessions over the past several weeks has been pretty consistent: "When one door closes, another door opens." No matter how many times my therapist repeats this, I still remain hung up on certain things. When it comes to my eating disorder, I have found that I can almost completely close that door, but there are few other things in my life that I am unable to shut out for some reason. I found this quote yesterday and it reminded me of my most recent therapy sessions.

"That is why it is so important to let certain things go. 

To release them. 

To cut loose. 

People need to understand that no one 

is playing with marked cards; 

sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. 

Don’t expect to get anything back, 

don’t expect recognition for your efforts, 

don’t expect your genius to be discovered 

or your love to be understood. 

Complete the circle. 

Not out of pride, 

inability or arrogance, 

but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. 

Close the door, 

change the record, 

clean the house, 

get rid of the dust. 

Stop being who you were and become who you are."

 

A part of me thinks I could write a million posts on letting go and closing doors, yet I would still find myself unable to practice what I preach. Some doors are just more difficult to close than others. Like many things in my life, I tend to focus on the big, scary doors that seem impossible to close, rather than the smaller doors that I have already closed and locked behind me.

Recovery means constantly closing small doors so other doors can open up. That's what progress is. Some doors are huge and some doors are barely visible, but they all hold an equal level of importance. My eating disorder no longer fits into the life I am striving to live. That door has closed.

Recovery has meant closing doors on certain relationships, as well. Learning the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is still a work in progress for me, but it is much better than when  I started this journey. As the quote says, it's really important to simply let things go that no longer fit into our lives. Somehow, however, I need to learn to stop feeling guilty for doing so. That door has yet to be closed.

 

Recovery also means letting go of who I was to become who I am. Currently, I have yet to figure out exactly who I am without my eating disorder, but I know I am getting closer everyday. The doors of my past eating disordered identity are slowly closing and those new, exciting doors of my true self are finally opening.
 
Progress.