This One is for You, Mom

For some reason I am having a really hard time coming up with the right words to share in this Mother's Day post. I feel my brain putting pressure on me to come up with perfect words to describe this wonderful woman. She deserves it. After all of the pain and suffering my eating disorder has put her through, I feel the need to repay her to make up for the years of hurt.

A few days ago my mom and I took a road trip down state to watch my brother play baseball. On the way down we somehow began a conversation about the different foods she used to serve my brother and I as kids. We couldn't help but laugh when we thought of the fish sticks, sloppy joes, and Kraft macaroni and cheese that were once staples in our house. Another favorite was a Mexican burrito type dish that she creatively named "dog do-do" so my brother and I would eat it. Somehow my mom found a way to make dog poop appealing because it was always our number one request as kids.

As we reminisced on those carefree eating days, I couldn't help but think of how much times have changed since then. Somewhere along the way I began learning about healthy vs. unhealthy foods and the number of acceptable dinners became limited. Food became the source of arguments and far too many hurt feelings.

Although my mom is petite, she has always had a very healthy appetite. If she wants to eat blue moon ice cream every single night of the week then she will. Before I knew it, not only was I taller than my mom, but (in my mind) also heavier than her and it didn't seem fair to me. In my mind, girls were not supposed to be heavier than their mom. She could eat whatever she wanted and then some, but still remain this teeny, tiny little thing.

Now that I am in a much healthier state of mind, however, I realize that my mom and I have different body types. Recovery has taught me that what is considered a healthy weight for one person might be completely different for someone else. Also, I might wear the same or a bigger dress size than my mom, but that does not define me as a person. For such a long time I believed that I would be more lovable if I had my weight under control, but recovery and my mom have proved me wrong once again.

No matter how sick I became my mom always stood by my side. No questions asked. When I had a nervous break down in Traverse City, I called my mom and she was at my door step no more than two hours later. When I have good news, she is always the first person I call. When I had my heart broken, she soothed me over the phone. Heck, even when I'm bored I often find myself dialing her number.

For quite sometime now I have felt so much guilt for putting this wonderful woman through so much undeserved pain and suffering thanks to my eating disorder. She raised me to the very best of her ability and that's how I repay her?! Heartbreaking.

Even though my mom and I are complete opposites, I still look up to her more than anyone else. Without question she has always given me never ending support and unconditional love. She has always been perfectly content with her life and doesn't seem to constantly long for what she doesn't have. There is no doubt in my mind that my mom is and always will be my biggest fan. I can only hope to be half of the woman she is someday.

Through all of my recent struggles, my mom has been my biggest support. I really don't know what I would do or where I would be without her. When I started writing this, I was worried that I would not be able to find the perfect words, but if there is one thing my mom has taught me, it is that I do not need to be perfect in order to be loved. I need to let that sink in for a moment.

Mom, I will be forever grateful for all that you have done for me, even if you did feed us "dog do-do" as kids. Larsen and I have not exactly made your life easy over the past few years, but you still love us unconditionally. It takes a very special person to have the patience for that. Last Mother's Day was the day before I entered treatment and I felt guilty that my troubles were shadowing your big day. This year, however, I am excited to give you a stress-free day filled with health and happiness.

Happy Mother's Day!

Progress.