Finding Strength in Struggle

Yesterday I went back to my old treatment center as a guest speaker for the second time since being discharged last fall. The first time I was so nervous and questioning whether or not I was far along in recovery to even be there, that it was difficult to recognize the importance of that moment. This time around, however, it was a completely different experience.

As we were wrapping up the first of two groups that I spoke with, one of the therapists mentioned that she saw a new level of acceptance in me. She pointed out that I still have my struggles and have not been perfect in recovery, but that is not stopping my progress. Sometimes the only way to make progress is to struggle and I have allowed myself to accept that.

I saw this quote a few days ago and thought it was a perfect reminder for all of the patients I spoke with yesterday (and anyone else in a place of struggle). Being in treatment can feel like the most awful, never-ending experience imaginable, but it really is the first place I began to find strength in my struggles.

"It is okay to be at a place of struggle.
Struggle is just another word for growth.
Even the most evolved beings
find themselves in a place of struggle now and then.
In fact, struggle is a sure sign to them that they are expanding;
it is their indication of real and important progress.
The only one who doesn’t struggle is the one who doesn’t grow.
So if you are struggling right now,
see it as a terrific sign —
celebrate your struggle."

Struggling is nothing to be ashamed of. One thing that is always helpful for me to remember during difficult times is that whatever I am feeling is just a feeling and it will pass. Recovery brings out all of the uncomfortable emotions we have been numbing out for the duration of our eating disorder. So it's important to remember that no matter what negative emotion I might be feeling, it's still a sign of progress because I am allowing myself to FEEL. No more numbing out. And each time I allow myself to sit with those uncomfortable emotions, it gets a tiny bit easier to deal with.

As I got off the highway and pulled into the town where I was forced to finally face all of my struggles last summer in treatment, I was overwhelmed with a wide range of emotions. The first time I went down to guest speak, being back in that environment made me feel like that terrified little girl who was being forced to face my struggles almost exactly one year ago. This time around, on the other hand, I have not only reached a level of acceptance, but I also find myself feeling grateful to have had the opportunity to face my past struggles.
 

 My life in recovery is nowhere near perfect, but without struggling a little here and there, I would have never found my strength.

Progress.