Today I am one year sober.
A part of me didn't even want to publish this post because I still feel ashamed that I even have to admit such a thing. How did I allow my life to get so out of control that I have a one year sober anniversary? A younger version of myself would have never in a million years believed that I would have gotten in legal trouble. Period. So getting into legal trouble with alcohol still sounds like a big fat lie to me.
Like my struggles with my eating disorder and anxiety, however, it is important for me to also develop a level of acceptance with my alcohol abuse. Hopefully this post will bring me one step closer towards ending the denial surrounding this part of my past.
These two pictures were taken exactly one year apart. The first picture is the last picture taken of me before I entered treatment and the second picture is the most recent picture of me to date. It's hard for me to believe the girl in these photos is the same person.
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| May 4, 2012 and May 4, 2013 |
I am having a difficult time formulating words to properly express how I feel after seeing these pictures next to each other. The girl in the first picture is not me. That girl was hopeless, sick of fighting, and craving her next drink. The girl in the second picture is obnoxiously happy, full of life, and ready to chase her dreams.
Recovery has given me some pretty amazing things, but my sobriety is something that I often forget to acknowledge. Somewhere along the way I developed a belief that talking about my eating disorder was more socially acceptable than my drinking problem, so I choose not to talk about it. And it's really, really embarrassing.
The day that first picture was taken is still very clear in my mind. That afternoon I had snooped around in my parent's closet looking to sneak some booze, but was unable to find any. I was desperate and weak. At the time, alcohol was the only thing that made me feel good, even if it was temporary. My weight was dangerously low and I never had any energy. I didn't want to try anymore.
Without this year of sobriety I would not be this far along in my recovery. My hope is now that I have survived the first year, I can begin to accept my past with alcohol, too.
I even made myself a cake to celebrate this special day. :)
PROGRESS.
The day that first picture was taken is still very clear in my mind. That afternoon I had snooped around in my parent's closet looking to sneak some booze, but was unable to find any. I was desperate and weak. At the time, alcohol was the only thing that made me feel good, even if it was temporary. My weight was dangerously low and I never had any energy. I didn't want to try anymore.
Without this year of sobriety I would not be this far along in my recovery. My hope is now that I have survived the first year, I can begin to accept my past with alcohol, too.
I even made myself a cake to celebrate this special day. :)
PROGRESS.
congrats! this is inspiring
ReplyDeleteThank you!! :)
DeleteWOW!
ReplyDeleteKelsi,you are seriously SO amazing I can't even put it into words.
Congrats,you strong fighter - and keep going! :)
Thank you sooo much Kat! xo <3
DeleteCongratulations, Kelsi, on such a stunning achievement and on all the hard work you're continuing to do. i read your blog often and even though i don't know you i feel i am with you along on this journey.
DeleteAw, thanks Allie! It's always nice to feel like I have people on this journey with me. Recovery can be a lonely process, so thanks for joining me! xoxo <3
DeleteKelsi- I already commented on the FB page but you are so amazing & strong! I can't wait to meet you at the walk next week :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Carly!! I'm really excited to officially meet you too! Have a great week :)
DeleteYou are truly an inspiration! Thanks for sharing your journey, it's beautiful and you should be so proid of how far you've come! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for such a lovely comment!! :)
DeleteI wish I could congratulate you with a big hug, a well deserved hard fought one. Continue to fight because the girl in the second picture is beyond worth it
ReplyDeleteAnd I wish I could give you a big hug back! Thanks for all of your support, Alex!
DeleteCongratulations on your 1st year sobriety, and I would sing "Happy Birthday" to you, because you were reborn the day when you decided to do this! Shame eats up ourselves, and we feel like we have secrets. Self-honesty and honesty to the others help. Unconditional love towards ourselves. If I had a child who just would not get whatever he/she was dealing with, would I hate my kid? That would never affect on me to love my kid. If I share my secrets, and someone still love myself just like before, would I feel relief? Yes, a big time. Would I trust the person? Yes, more than ever. We are learning to love ourselves as a whole including our past and weakness. There is nothing to be ashamed for who you used to be and who you are becoming. Both is a loving person. Enjoy your recovery in anyway! xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou are always so spot on with your comments. Yes, it is a huge relief to get this all off my chest and it still amazes me that people love me just the same. I'm not sure why I have this crazy belief that people won't love me for being honest. Thanks for all of your support. I know I say that every time, but I really mean it! xoxo
DeleteCongratulations! The picture on left looks like a little girl with a fake smile. The picture on the right looks like a confident healthy, happy woman.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree - definitely a fake smile. Thank you! :)
DeleteOh my gosh. This is HUGE step for you, Kels! I am so, so, so, S-O proud of you! Talking about these kinds of things can be hard, really, but it doesn't make you weak and there is no reason to be embarrassed, it simply says "I am human. Now hear me roar."
ReplyDeleteThese two pictures, the one of you from last year and this year, man... I knew the Kelsi on the left from the outside- the Kelsi on the right was inside and I saw her from the start. She pushed her way out and I am incredibly blessed to been given the opportunity to watch her break the nasty shell.
To one year of recovery and sobriety and to many, MANY more! <3
Love you so much!!! xoxo
P.s. Can't wait to celebrate all of this with you this weekend!
THANK YOU KENZIE!!! I am definitely human and I definitely make mistakes ;) Your comments always make me smile a huge smile. I LOVE YOU and can't wait to get together for our celebration this weekend!! :) :)
DeleteCongrats on 1 year sober! This is amazing.
ReplyDeleteI really hope as time goes by you feel less ashamed for having a history of alcohol abuse. It is so common in people with eating disorders just as other co-morbid mental illnesses and personality disorders, self harm, etc. are. (I am sure you know this, too - just to reassure some more :))I knew at least 2 from my treatment group who were openly recovering alcoholics (and several more who would probably do well with sobriety)
You look so beautiful and strong in your picture today versus a year ago. You can see it even in your smile - the smile in the second picture is genuine. You are right in that at our sickest, we are NOT ourselves at all. At my sickest, I stole money from my parents...something that is completely against my moral code and something I couldn't fathom doing today.
Be proud, you deserve it! :)
P.S. That cake is super lovely!!
Thanks Lindsay! I am feeling a little less ashamed and I feel like it is just one small part of my past. I stole a lot of things while I was sick, too. It's shameful, but like you said, we are not ourselves. It's part of the disease. Your kind words made me smile a huge smile tonight! :) You're such a sweetheart. xo <3
DeleteI read this and thought "I want that" so you know it's inspiring, Kelsi! I also struggle with an eating disorder and alcohol. This is much more common than people realize, so THANK YOU for speaking up. Keep writing and sharing. My recovery has been positively influenced by you more than anyone else. xxx
ReplyDeleteGoodness, it's crazy for me to even think I could have helped you in a very small way! Thanks so much for such an awesome comment. Best of luck to you! :)
DeleteCongrats, Kelsi! So inspirational! And daaayyyuuuum that cake looks good ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Katy! The cake was delicious ;)
DeleteWell done Kelsi! What a huge step! (Love the cake)
DeleteThanks Chris!! :)
DeleteWow those words were solid make sure yuu keep the past infront of you just to remind your self what you use to be and you dont ever have to go back to it butt people can only tell youu so much, at the end of the day you have to make your choices
DeleteWow those words were solid make sure yuu keep the past infront of you just to remind your self what you use to be and you dont ever have to go back to it butt people can only tell youu so much, at the end of the day you have to make your choices
Deletehi, im one year today. im about to go to my aniversary meeting with my friends and family. i am so nervous and was searching google for some interesting 1st year testimonies to see what they said. this was short, i wish i could know more about how you did it. but it was also really inspiring and written from the heart. i can tell. congratulations!
ReplyDeleteWow, congrats on your one year!! That is a HUGE accomplishment! I'd love to share my full story with you if you are interested. I know my email address is listed under the About Me section of my blog, but cronkrk@mail.nmc.edu is a much better way to reach me. :)
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