If Tomorrow Never Comes...

"Maybe you can afford to wait. 

Maybe for you there’s a tomorrow. 

Maybe for you there’s one thousand tomorrows, 

or three thousand, or ten, 

so much time you can bathe in it, 

roll around it, 

let it slide like coins through your fingers. 

So much time you can waste it. 

But for some of us there’s only today. 

And the truth is, 

you never really know."
-Lauren Oliver

One of the most common regrets among those of us in recovery takes place when we realize just how much time we wasted engaging in disordered behaviors. Looking back on the past 10 years of my life, I often kick myself for not enjoying the so-called "best years of my life," also known as my early 20s

The late teen and early 20 years are supposedly filled with a new sense of freedom after moving out of mom and dad's place and finally having the opportunity to chase your dreams. That was not the case for me, at all - eating disorder or not. At eighteen years old our society expects us to know exactly what we want to do for the rest of our lives without any real world experience. I have spent a lot of my life trying to conform into a specific group of people instead of figuring out what I want to get out of life. Trapped and inferior are the first words that come to mind when I look back at that time in my life.

 During that time I always told myself that tomorrow would be better. Tomorrow I will figure out my future plans and beat my eating disorder. Tomorrow everything would be different. 

Last night as I was sitting around a bonfire with a few of my favorite people, I began to feel that sense of regret for wasting so much time wrapped up in the hellpit that was my eating disorder. Those years were spent counting on a better tomorrow instead of living for the moment. Although I do still have a tiny bit of regret, I can finally see that without those not-so-good days, I would not have been able to sit around a bonfire last night and live in that moment.

Maybe the best years of our lives don't have to be what society says they should be. Maybe the best years of lives can be right now; no matter what age we are. Tomorrow might come and it might not, so why not make the most of today? A part of me wishes I would have learned this lesson years ago, but it's always better to be late than never get there at all.

Progress.