I've been avoiding writing all week. My thought process has gone something like this, "I just want to be normal. I don't want to talk about eating disorders anymore. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't want people to know about my past. Leave me alone. Let me be normal for a change."
Part of my brain is telling me if I run from my feelings then maybe they will magically disappear; while the other part of my brain is laughing at how silly that sounds. For over a year I've been working incredibly hard to sort through years of suppressed emotions, and honestly, not only am I sick of it, I'm starting to get a little pissed about it. Just when I think I have made a breakthrough, a new challenge appears in front of me. It's a never ending process.
Last night I saw this article re-posted all over my Facebook news feed - Better? Yes, but the Pain Remains. If you haven't read it yet, do it now. Although I don't feel the way the author of this article
feels every single day, I definitely still have more of these moments
than I like to admit. It's been a good fifteen months since I
reached my goal weight, so I should be completely recovered by now,
right?
This morning I read this post, The Unknown, and luckily my thoughts were put back into a much healthier perspective. Recently I've been wishing away this phase of my life because it's uncomfortable. The future is unknown and I don't like it. Just like I have been running from blogging this week, I've also been running from life. Thank you, Alex, for these words,
"I realize by wishing away the unknown, by knowing all of the answers, I
am wishing away the most rewarding journey of life. The journey of
discovery, journey of passion and journey of fate. I am a believer that
things happen for a reason, things align for a reason. I don’t know why I
had to have an eating disorder, but I do know I gained a lot from it.
If life was easy and could be wished away where would I be?"
Although my journey isn't necessarily normal and probably never will be, by learning to accept where I am for what it is, I might learn to embrace the process and those dreaded unknowns. Yes, I am tired of being in this strange place between a full blown eating disorder and normalcy, but I know it won't be like this forever.
I just want to be normal. So I will live for today and take it one step at a time because that's as normal as it gets for me right now.
Progress.
Amazing. I was just thinking about this topic this morning. I literally asked myself "why did I have to go through these years with an eating disorder". Thank you for the reminder that it is just one day at a time. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for the reminder than I am not alone!! <3
DeleteI so feel you on this.
ReplyDeleteEvery single one of your strides in the right direction lately, Sarah, have been so inspiring to me. Thank you!
Deleteyay! I mean I understand exactly where you are coming from. Heck I still wish to be normal but then you have to understand that this unknown is meant to be rough. but we will get through it.
ReplyDeleteYou're awesome, Alex! Thanks again for inspiring this post! :)
DeleteThis is exactly how I have been feeling for weeks! Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be normal, or maybe I will forever be changed and effected beause of this suckie disease. But then I see all of the amazing people who are "fully recoverd" and although they may be different because of what they went through, they are incredibly happy and doing wonderful things for Eating disorder victims and the world. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone Kels:) I know it may seem like an incrdibly long and drawn out process, we are in it for the long haul. And when I hang out with you I definetly see Kelsi, not an eating disorder, just Kelsi:)
ReplyDeleteYa know, Shelby, a good friend of mine (you know who.. wink wink...) called me tonight and said he often has many of the same worries about being "normal." He has never been sick with an eating disorder, but seems to understand what it's like to struggle with anxiety and the need to 'over achieve.' We're not alone or crazy, after all! Catch up soon, please?! Love you!!
DeleteI sat one day about 10 years ago with my best friend and we attempted to name one person in our high school graduating class who was "Normal." We were unsuccessful in our attempt. 0/325 A quest for normalcy is a quest doomed to failure. Strive not to be normal, but exceptional, recognize that your past is part of what makes you exceptional and focus on your future. A future that does not include an eating disorder. Dwelling on the past and letting it control your future is a sure way to derail your quest for excellence. I have faith in you Miss Cronkright. I do. I pray for you every day.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely RIGHT where I am right now. And this limbo is just horrible. When I was in high school, I fell in love with the word "nascent", and it's the word that I feel best describes this feeling. That we haven't yet quite come into being. It's like we've jumped into a portal or grabbed hold of a portkey and we're traveling through space, whirling, unsure of where we'll land. Of course, we're upset and angry -- all we feel is unrest. Like the whole world is just that little bit foreign because we're seeing it through different eyes than before. And it obviously takes time to adjust but why, WHY can't we be there already?!?! "Patience is a virtue." "You'll get there when the world is ready." Well, I want it to be ready NOW. And I feel like a petulant toddler every time I so much as think about it. (As you can tell by my rant!)
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. We're not alone. Life will happen. We just need to be ready when it does, I guess.
Yes, Chels, this limbo is quite horrible! Please don't apologize. Lauren told me about that new Libero project and I seriously cannot WAIT for this "Life After Ed" blog!! Can't wait to be a part of big, huge things to come!! Love you!!
DeleteLove you, too!! <3
DeleteSometimes I think what we are shooting for in eating disorder recovery is beyond normal (in a good way!). I think there are very few people who are able to eat and function in a completely self regulated way - there are so many distractions that take us outside of our own internal and body-mind experiences. Because of this, the new normal is wrought with too much attention on food and body image. In my recovery I want to surpass that, to have a healthy relationship with my body in a way that I think very few women have these days. I believe it's a lot of work and yet it IS possible.
ReplyDeleteI think wanting to reach "normalcy" is a basic function in life. We all want to "figure it out," but who actually does? It's a longgg process! I need to catch up on your past few days of blogging!!
DeleteI love this post! I was just complaining to my therapist today about how i wish i could be normal and not have to go through recovery and just wake up completely recovered, and "normal." She replied by saying that normal isn't the right word, because it's subjective. She then went on to say that i should focus on being healthy not normal and how that takes time, as i'm sure you know. It's hard to continue to have faith in the process though. I too have talked to many people about my recovery, manly in a church setting, and sometimes wish i could just not talk about it or be a "normal person" who didn't got struggle with an eating disorder. However, I feel like as horrible of an experience the ED was I've learned a lot and now i have the opportunity to speak into others lives- I wouldn't have been able to that if i was "normal." Your blog has been such a blessing in my life because i can read posts like this and remember that i'm not as alone as i sometimes feel. So in a way ( and please don't be offended by this) I'm glad you're not normal, because if you were you wouldn't have been able to impact my life and the many others that i'm sure you have. Just another way of looking at it i guess(:
ReplyDeleteOh no! I am no offended at all that you can relate your recovery to me and my journey!! Especially if you are further along! Your wisdom means the world to me, so thank you!! Being 'normal' is a strange thing, isn't it?! <3
DeleteNo problem! I'm not even sure i know what normal is, but I still manage to strive to be it. I know for me i associated ( and still do at times) normal with perfection, and my struggle with perfectionism was a huge part of my ED. Now that I've been in recovery i'm learning that perfectionism and this concept of normal is just a lie and gets us nowhere. I'm not sure if i'm further along in recovery, but all the Glory goes to God because if it was up to me i would've given up a while ago. Thankfully you and I and the rest of us don't have to be normal because we're already fearfully and wonderfully made even if it's hard to accept sometimes...or all the time! Thank you for your encouragement. Best of luck in your recovery!<3
DeletePerfectionism is HUGE for many of us with an ED. I've found that my need to constantly be busy and please others is no longer important... What is important to me?! But that's where the hard part comes in... It's super scary process and I am soooo glad we are in this together!! Best of luck to you, too! xoxo
DeleteI don't really know what being normal is... because I believe that all human beings feel what we feel, and they are probably the same. What makes different between so called "normal" and "addicts" is a line of acceptance, I think. People who don't struggle like us accept who they are and what life does to them, while we DON'T. Recovery is simple, but not easy. I think when we accept, we become normal. But, that does not mean that we don't feel or bad things won't happen. I think we think too much, and that can be a problem at least for me. <3
ReplyDeleteI feel like we've had this conversation before haha. I wish it was simple... but it never will be. <3
DeleteGreetings, Kelsi! I am slipping in and out of the blogging world very sporadically these days, but I'm thankful for some time this evening to catch up on some reading.
ReplyDeleteI just read the article you mentioned by the woman who is recovered but still deals with the thoughts and feelings inside that make her days challenging...wow, that struck a chord. I don't have any real terrible stories to tell at all; I've never been in need of medical treatment; but I felt like I knew just what she was talking about. My life and my relationship with food has certainly not been all "normal"! There has been/still sometimes is a struggle on the inside that many don't realize about me.
As for "normal"--it is subjective! I think healthy, content, peaceful, joyful, hopeful, and thriving are better ways to look at life. Each of us has had or still have challenges that make our lives take different paths than we might have planned. But if those challenges are there, then they become a part of who we are--the choice is ours how we will present and use what we've learned. You are blessing many by sharing your journey. We sang a song in church a few weeks ago about how there can be "beauty from ashes".
One more tidbit--I have a dear friend who has struggled with eating disorders for a long time; we are both married mommies, and she recently started seeing a new therapist for her struggles. We decided this evening as friends to hold each other accountable to boycotting our scales till Monday...and then perhaps trying to go a week...and so on. It's been a thought-provoking decision already!
Blessings to you! --Alison
Hey Alison! Good to hear from you. I've taken a bit of a break from the blogging world as well. Normality is so subjective! We all have our own definition of normal and I'm still trying to let that sink in. That article really struck a chord with me as well. It breaks my hear to think there are some people out there who struggle that much. Hope you have a great week and a very Happy Thanksgiving!
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