I've been avoiding writing all week. My thought process has gone something like this, "I just want to be normal. I don't want to talk about eating disorders anymore. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't want people to know about my past. Leave me alone. Let me be normal for a change."
Part of my brain is telling me if I run from my feelings then maybe they will magically disappear; while the other part of my brain is laughing at how silly that sounds. For over a year I've been working incredibly hard to sort through years of suppressed emotions, and honestly, not only am I sick of it, I'm starting to get a little pissed about it. Just when I think I have made a breakthrough, a new challenge appears in front of me. It's a never ending process.
Last night I saw this article re-posted all over my Facebook news feed - Better? Yes, but the Pain Remains. If you haven't read it yet, do it now. Although I don't feel the way the author of this article feels every single day, I definitely still have more of these moments than I like to admit. It's been a good fifteen months since I reached my goal weight, so I should be completely recovered by now, right?
This morning I read this post, The Unknown, and luckily my thoughts were put back into a much healthier perspective. Recently I've been wishing away this phase of my life because it's uncomfortable. The future is unknown and I don't like it. Just like I have been running from blogging this week, I've also been running from life. Thank you, Alex, for these words,
"I realize by wishing away the unknown, by knowing all of the answers, I am wishing away the most rewarding journey of life. The journey of discovery, journey of passion and journey of fate. I am a believer that things happen for a reason, things align for a reason. I don’t know why I had to have an eating disorder, but I do know I gained a lot from it. If life was easy and could be wished away where would I be?"
Although my journey isn't necessarily normal and probably never will be, by learning to accept where I am for what it is, I might learn to embrace the process and those dreaded unknowns. Yes, I am tired of being in this strange place between a full blown eating disorder and normalcy, but I know it won't be like this forever.
I just want to be normal. So I will live for today and take it one step at a time because that's as normal as it gets for me right now.