When I was a kid, I had one request on my birthday; chocolate cake made from a box, with chocolate frosting out of a jar, and usually a big glass of chocolate milk to wash it down with. It was a chocolate overload and it didn't faze me one bit. This was my big day and I was prepared to put myself in a chocolate coma.
As I got older and my eating habits became disordered, however, I began requesting fat-free angel food cake with sugar free cool-whip and fresh strawberries. My special day had turned into a day of fear. Everyone would be watching me, making sure I ate my dinner AND my cake. I remember feeling trapped, overwhelmed and unbelievably guilty, even though it was my birthday.
Thankfully, my tastes and outlook have changed yet again.
Even though my birthday isn't for five more days, I went ahead and made myself a cake yesterday. This isn't just any cake, this is a monumental cake. Not only will I be turning twenty five (quarter of a century!) at the end of the week, but, thanks to recovery, I will literally be able to have my cake and eat it, too.
I might have gotten a bit carried away with this cake, but I wanted to make sure it lived up to the occasion; and it certainly does. My twenty-fourth year was one I will never forget and this cake is not one I will soon forget, either.
The last time I used a pastry bag was at least two years ago, so making these butter cream roses took me more time than I like to admit. With pink frosting spread across every inch of the kitchen, I am thankful my mom wasn't home to witness the disaster I had created.
This past year was a lot like making this cake; I was entering territory that I had not experienced in a long, long time. Just like there was a day I could eat double chocolate cake without thinking twice, there was also a day when I could make butter cream roses without it taking five hours.
With a whole lot of time and patience, I was able to put my pretty pink cake together, kind of like I am putting my life back together.
This year has been a roller coaster for everyone involved in my recovery, but I wouldn't trade it in for anything. As I blow out my candles this year, I will simply wish for another year of progress in my recovery.
Not only am I excited that my birthday week is officially here, I am also looking forward to enjoying a piece of this cake everyday this week because I can.
Also, for those of you who didn't hear, Progression Obsession is on the NEDA blog roll (View Here) for Eating Disorder Awareness Week!!! Happy Birthday to me! :)