Sunday, April 28, 2013

Failure


FAILURE:
1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends
2. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short
3. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected

I'm going to let you in on a little secret - the first time I went to CMU I failed out. Yes, little-miss-goodie-two-shoes Kelsi failed out of school. 

At that time in my life, I began feeling my social anxiety take over and as I continued to skip class, the isolation became my go-to coping mechanism. My eating disorder became more important than my grades. Every time I sat down to study I became so overwhelmed that I would throw in the towel before I even got started. There were countless mornings where I would drive to class, but found myself unable to get out of the car.

I ran away from everything and everyone during those years.

Without any other options, I applied to culinary school and luckily they accepted everyone regardless of past school experiences and GPA. With all of my guilt and shame from being a failure still riding heavily on my shoulders, I decided running away from my problems was the answer. Looking back on it all now, however, I see moving/running to Traverse City was only a temporary solution to many unresolved issues and in the long run it only escalated my disorder.

While my years in Traverse City did have some great moments, I could never truly enjoy them because there was always a little voice in the back of my head screaming "FAILURE!" My eating disorder became the only thing I felt truly successful in; everything else was there to cover up my guilt.

 Now that I have been through treatment for my eating disorder and am trying to get my life back on track, I find myself facing many of my past failures. This week is finals week and every time I sit down to study, I face my fear of failing.

But maybe they weren't failures at all. 
Maybe my past is just a small part of my story.
Maybe failure is the only way to grow.
Maybe failure is a huge part of success.



Maybe if I can convince myself that I needed to go through those difficult times to become the person I am today, then I won't view my past as one big failure. Sometimes we really do need to go through the rough times before we can appreciate the joyful times.

This week as I take my finals and finish up my first (in many ways) successful semester, I know I will be reminded of my past failures. Instead of piling on more guilt, like I have done in the past, I think it's time to remove a little of that weight from my shoulders.

This semester as I take my finals, I can breathe a little easier knowing my past failures have fueled countless positive changes in my life.

Progress.

11 comments:

  1. beautifully written, kelsi. it takes guts to open up about past "failures" like that. i hope you are beginning to see your past as a blessing instead of a failure.

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  2. I failed an entrance exam for a university when I was in Japan. Yes, it was a failure if I pick only that incident. But, if it didn't happen, I would have never come to the U.S. I would have never experienced what I did. We pick only one choice at a time, and we would wonder what if we picked the others... etc. A failure brings a different path in life, and we never know what we are getting from the path until we get. And then still we don't know what the result is. There is no result in life, and there is no failure or success in life. It is a process and we feel like we fail/success because that's how the society defines each moment. Yes, it is just a lesson. Good luck on your exam! xoxo

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    1. Thank you - your perspective on life is very helpful to me today. It's a really difficult thing to get over, but you're right, it is just a lesson and we can only take one thing at a time. Hope you're having a great day <3

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  3. Good for you Kelsi! Those "failures" are only a small chapter in your entire novel of life- which is still being written!
    I'm so incredibly proud of you, lady! Good luck, not like you'll need it though! ;)
    Love, love you! xoxo

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  4. Good luck on finals girl<3 Stay strong and dont let your past define you future!!

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    1. Thanks Emily!! Good to see you back on here ;) xo

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  5. "My eating disorder became the only thing I felt truly successful in; everything else was there to cover up my guilt."

    Wow, I can really identify with this. The past few months, I find myself saying to others and myself that losing weight is the only thing I feel like I have succeeded at in the past year, and I don't want to end up failing at this also.

    I was saying to myself last night that I wish I could meet someone who understood. Thanks to Google, I just have.

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    1. It's definitely not an easy thing to be going through. Eating disorders can be a lonely world to live in. Hopefully knowing you're not along makes things a little easier for you!

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  6. To beautiful Kelsi
    I wud just like to say ur blog is the most amazing thing I have ever read
    Also from someone who didn't "fail" college and I'm now a doctor the past three years at 26 I'd trade it. All go back on fail every exam if I could have the success u have had with recovery
    Ur amazing
    Ur a success
    Ur my idol
    Love
    Caitriona

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