Noun: The regard that something is held to deserve; the importance or preciousness of something.
Earlier today I had to stop, look around me, and take in a rare moment. I was riding on the back of our 4 wheeler with my (dipshit) brother. While dodging tree branches in the woods on our property, we were hauling a trailer filled with wood my (lumberjack) dad had gathered. Inappropriately dressed for our adventure, I was still wearing flip flops and my favorite summer top. Sunscreen would have been helpful, too. I was sharing headphones with my brother from his iPod and listening to Coldplay of all things. Not exactly wood hauling music if you ask me.
Call me crazy, but these are the moments in life I value most.
|Larsen's early 4 wheeling days :)|
This past week in treatment, we had a group on values. While actively engaging in an ED, the things I value most had been skewed and often times left behind. My values had been replaced with irrational thoughts and distorted views that I am determined to eventually squash completely. With time, a constant push from my support system, and a little luck, my list of values will return. Here they are:
1. Health & well being, mentally & physically
3. Honesty & trust
4. Loving relationships
5. A fulfilling job
7. Self respect
9. Optimism & hope
10. Helping others find happiness
As if choosing our top ten wasn't difficult enough, we were then asked to eliminate five that meant the "least" to us. As we continued and more were eliminated, five turned into three, three into two,
and finally two became one. I walked out of that group with my number one value (healthy and well being, mentally and physically) and my number one reason to stay in recovery. Don't get me wrong, everything on my list is important to me, but I can't achieve any of them without keeping my health in check.
Ironically, even though all of us in the room had spent years with eating disordered values, not one of us had anything about weight, food, or body image as our number one value. My rational brain knows there is so much more to life than the number on the scale. Currently, I'm still working on convincing the rest of my brain to believe it, but it's a major step in the right direction for me to recognize that the number on the scale has nothing to do with what I value most in life.
|Home Sweet Home|
I would have never thought in a million years that I would be hauling wood with my brother today (or ever), but somewhere in the middle of it I realized our adventure had nothing to do with the logs. I don't know if it was the fresh air or my brother's unfitting choice of music, but I realized how important it will be for me to live according to my values as I continue down this road toward recovery.