Saturday, March 30, 2013

"I'm Not Sick Enough"

Over the past year of so, while talking with people who have experienced the living hell that is an eating disorder, I can't think of one single person who ever believed they were "sick enough" to receive treatment. 

I was no exception to this mentality; even though I knew I was struggling and could not get well on my own, I never thought I was thin enough to get help. There was always going to be someone sicker, thinner, or better than me and that left me feeling unworthy. Looking back on my first day in treatment, I still didn't believe I needed to be there. I was undeserving of professional help. I could clearly see that the other patients in treatment were extremely underweight, but I never saw it in myself. Up until the very end of my downward spiral, I was still working and functioning like a normal person - well, kind of - which meant I was fine to continue living the way I was.

Now that I am in a much healthier state of mind, however, I am left wondering what exactly "sick enough" even means. What was it going to take for me to become aware of how sick I actually was?

The scary thing is, I think for some of us, death felt like the only escape at one point or another. Death was the only way to truly silence my inner critic and eating disordered mind. 

Maybe the belief of not being sick enough was actually my eating disorder's way of controlling me. If I admitted I was sick, it meant it was time to change my disordered ways and for a long, long time nothing seemed worse; not even the end of life itself. 

In my opinion, if you are sick enough to not believe you are sick enough, there is a very good chance you are sick enough to need help - if that makes any sense. It breaks my heart that so many people continue suffering because they are not the sickest eating disorder patient in the world. That "I'm not good enough" voice remains in control far longer than it should. 

For anyone reading this struggling with the dreaded "I'm not sick enough" thoughts, keep in mind just how distorted your thoughts are. If your illness is getting in the way of your life, then there is no shame in reaching out.

For me, the not "sick enough" thought was the equivalent of my not "good enough" thought. Now that I am in recovery and am learning to see the world through a healthier perspective, however, I have realized that there will always be someone smarter, prettier, and thinner than me, but doesn't mean I am inadequate, unworthy, or unlovable.


No matter how sick (or un-sick) I believed I was is irrelevant now. What matters now, is that somewhere over the course of the past year, little by little, I am learning to silence my inner critic. Recovery, for me, has been about finding the parts of myself that are good enough without my eating disorder.

Progress.

11 comments:

  1. I always felt that I could not even belong to anorexia, because my weight was not low enough. It's all about self-awareness and self-honesty inside. I started to feel how I was feeling superior to the others for the way I was doing with my food and weight. My inner voice said, "You are not that stupid like the others. You eat, and stay on the borderline." To me, this is SO SICK. Very controlling and superior feelings. Judging myself and the others. So, I know that people who are in a normal weight or just underweight can be sicker! That was me. And, it's true. We can let go of our past, and live today because we are in a good place today. Love,

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    1. Yes, I can also relate to every single thing you just said. It's such a complex and confusing place to be. Each day gets a little better, though! xoxo <3

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  2. i dont even know what my ed is called so i also think its not bad enough for therapy. and because it came so quick , just a few month changed my entire life and way of thinking. but youre right its important to get the help thats needed. but i really dont know what that "help" should look like :/

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    1. Aw, hey thanks for the comment. Another frustrating thing about eating disorder diagnosis is the whole ENDOS thing- which is probably what you have. It's just a broad term for all of us eating disorder patients who don't fall under the exact anorexia or bulimia category. Good luck finding help. Do you see a therapist? That is always a good place to start and they can give you a better idea of where to go next.

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    2. The thing is when i was sick i DID fit into the diagnstic criterea for anorexia (and i guess bulimia too) i just never got a diagnosis, my doctor never knew how low my weight really got. yes i do see a therapist now and she says i was anorexic (my mind kind of still is ). Now i am weight restored i start questioning if i shouldn´t have decided to recovery. because i never reached my goal weight and this number is still stuck in my head and i can´t let go of the idea of reaching it because my ED tells me otherwise i wasn´t sick enough to get better anyway. I think it´s the whole disorted idea of having to suffer to deserve happiness.

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  3. This is extremely powerful! How very, very true. I never even saw myself as "sick" at all, it wasn't just "not sick enough".
    I am so, so glad that you did get the help, death didn't conquer, and just know that you're an inspiring, recovering, beautiful young lady and I am so proud of you!

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    1. Thanks girl! The same is SO true for you! I'm so glad death did not conquer you and you are a stronger person today because of it! <3 xo

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  4. I absolutely love this!! This hits so close to home for me<3 The thought of not being "sick enough" kept me out of recovery for months and in the end made me much sicker than I was! Thanks for these kind words<3

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    1. Thanks Em! I am glad to hear you finally got the help you needed. Sometimes we have to go through those rough patches in order to realize just how bad our illness is. <3

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  5. I really needed to hear this! I've been wrestling with the thoughts of "I'm not sick enough" and debating not showing up to therapy tomorrow because i didn't want to feel like i was stupid for getting help even though my illness has taken over my life. But after reading this, I realized that the best decision is to get help now before it gets worse. Thank you for the reminder that there's no shame in reaching out(:

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    1. No problem! It's exciting to me that you are realizing that there is no such thing as "sick enough." Do what is right for your health NOW before it gets worse. Best of luck! :)

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