I no longer strive for past versions of myself

In 2016, while on probation and sober, I helped open an adorably hip coffeeshop in my hometown. During my interview, the owner and I connected over a Brené Brown book and the rest was history. Occupationally speaking, I had more “success” at that job than any previous job in my life. I became the pastry chef and created a few recipes that are still on the menu today. 

Because I was sober from alcohol, it appeared as if I had my shit together. My Instagram page was filled with mouthwatering latte art and seasonal baked goods. I went back to school and became obsessed with my 4.0 GPA. I thought sobriety meant adhering to the confines of my probation and allowing my perfectionistic, people-pleasing tendencies to run the show.

Not surprisingly, when my probation ended in 2018, all of that “success” went down the drain because I started drinking again. My work became sloppy, and I became the queen of calling in with fake excuses. I got demoted and my pay was cut. One time I showed up to an 8 PM team meeting drunk, snuck more booze into the meeting, and then threw up in my boss’s bed after the meeting was over. All of the bridges were burned.

As a result, over the past few years, I have created a story in my head that says I am not good enough until I return to that 2016 perfectly-put-together version of myself.

But the truth is, 2016 Kelsi was living in survival mode. I wasn’t sleeping. I was hyped up on caffeine; constant espresso tasting was a job requirement, after all. I lied to my therapist weekly to ensure her monthly report to my probation officer was squeaky clean. My caloric intake remained strict because I got a high whenever people commented on what cute and tiny pastry chef I was. I was holding up this impossibly heavy façade.

Sober from alcohol? Yes.

Healthy or healing or creating a sustainable recovery for myself? Hell no.

That story in my head about not being good enough until I return to some past version of myself is not real. It is an illusion I created. And, it kept me entangled in addictive behaviors for a couple of years post-probation.

Today I am practicing sobriety because I choose to—not because it is forced upon me—and that alone is more than good enough.

I no longer strive for past versions of myself.