I started a new job this week and survived without drinking. This feels equally triumphant and triggering. While I am trying to celebrate my progress (this is my first new job since joining Tempest last year), I also feel like I have been hit by an emotional freight train. Meeting dozens of new people and having first impressions formed left and right, has left me feeling drained to the last drop. It’s no surprise that numbness sounds good to me right about now.
While I sat on the couch and cried, I became entranced by my new candle. While blankly staring at the flickering flame, I noticed I was sitting with my emotions for the first time in maybe two decades. I noticed, by making the choice to not drink, I could feel both proud and blue at the same time. I noticed that celebratory moments can be just as triggering as anxiety provoking moments.
It felt like that first $3 candle held my hand and provided a hug in the form of a calm and cozy glow while I sat with dueling emotions. The candle gave me space to just be. Space to let my feelings come and go and teach me things.
This candle lighting ritual has continued into my sobriety. It has become my go-to witching hour mood stabilizer. Now, I look forward to cozy candle time the same way I used to look forward to booze. Now, I use the money I would’ve spent on cheap wine to buy cheap candles at Walmart.
You might have already guessed that lighting all the candles I could find helped me survive the first week at a new job without drinking. I still cried myself to sleep 3 out of the 5 nights; but at least my tears and fears and progress were all met with a warm, cozy, nonjudgmental glow. Sure beats a hangover.
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