I love you. I am listening.

For as long as I can remember I have kept a quote journal. I enjoy filling page after page with words that bring light to dark times. Back in the spring of 2016 while in rehab, I carried around a notebook and wrote down what I thought were nuggets of wisdom from Twelve Step meetings. A few days ago I pulled that old journal off my bookshelf to find this quote:

Reading this quote six years later makes me scratch my head in confusion and concern. Does this mean my thoughts are unsafe? Does this mean I am not to be trusted with my own emotions? Does this mean I am supposed to live in a constant state of dissociation?

I believed this quote was true for many years. I believed continuous distraction was the only way to survive without allowing my thoughts to implode upon my life. I kept waiting for something external to “fix me.” But now, after 17 months of practicing a more self-compassionate version of sobriety, I can’t help but call bullshit on that quote.

My favorite antithesis to that common Twelve Step way of thinking is a guided meditation led by Sarah Blondin called, “I love you. I am listening.”

Blondin says: “When we live in a state of distraction, we often forget that there is a heart and self within us that needs love and attention. We are often so busy showing up for others in this way that we neglect to care for our own hearts. This creates a type of separation and alienation from our source of love. One of the most potent and powerful ways to realign with our hearts and our deepest self is by saying - I love you. I am listening.”

The first time I heard this 13 minute meditation I wept. It was like someone had finally given me permission to connect with my truest self for the first time in my life. I felt a tenderness and a sorrow for the girl inside of me who was taught that living here - in between my own ears - was not only dangerous, but also to be avoided if I wanted to get sober.

For me, recovery from an eating disorder and alcohol addiction are not possible when I believe it is unsafe to be with my own thoughts. In order to heal, I need to love and listen to the parts of myself that I have been numbing for 20 years.

Today I am going to rip out that page in my old quote journal and burn it. I am going to buy a new journal and write this on the first page:

The safest place for me to build a home is between my own ears.

Danger lives in constant distraction.

I love you.

I am listening.