Sixty-Four Days of Meditation

The past six weeks of my life have been a wild, overwhelming ride. Leaving my old job two months ago has opened up some unexpected and magical doors. But sometimes, I wonder if starting two new jobs and simultaneously trying EMDR for the first time is too much. While these are all positive steps forward, it has felt like a sprint.

Whenever I get home from work, I am so overstimulated that I need to go lay in a dark, quiet room to recalibrate my nervous system. All the socializing and forced friendliness leave me feeling fried, drained to the last drop. I’m starting to understand my fifteen-year gravitational pull toward using bulimia and alcohol after work. Both are incredibly efficient at numbing my overstimulated, dysregulated, and often triggered state.

One of the reasons I have been able to handle all of this change is my meditation practice. Today marks sixty-four days in a row of guided meditations on InightTimer.

I wouldn’t say I have reached the point of fully connecting with my subconscious or even being able to sit still while meditating, but I have started to rely on deep breathing as a way to return home to myself. Being out in the real world can be scary for a person in recovery. People constantly joke about and bond over body-hatred, weight loss, and drinking, forcing me to paint a fake smile over my raging insides to appear socially acceptable and likable. Without the meditative practice of recentering myself each day, I would not have survived these past six weeks.

One of my biggest worries is that my new writing job will consume my free time, and I won’t be able to write as much here. My Debunking Addiction Myths introduction post was published last week, and my first full post will be published this upcoming week. I’ll be sure to share that writing here as well.

During the weeks to come, my only goals outside of work are to rest, hydrate, eat enough calories, walk my dog, attend Tempest calls, meditate, and file my taxes. I can let go of feeling lazy because doing more might push me over the edge. For the time being, the more weighted blanket naps and meditation I can incorporate into my schedule, the better.

Progress.