One Year Graduation Anniversary

This post is a little more difficult to write than I was expecting. One year ago today I "graduated" from treatment. Even though I wasn't technically discharged for another couple of weeks (I began doing extended weekends, 5 days at home and 2 days in treatment per week), this day marked the end of my stay as a full timer at the River Centre Clinic, the end of the most memorable summer of my life, and the end of the security blanket treatment had provided. It was officially time for me to start fending for myself in the big and scary world ahead of me.

Sometimes when I look back on this past year, I have a hard time comprehending how much my life has changed. On my drive home from RCC one year ago, I remember thinking about all of the new adventures ahead of me. If someone would have told me all that I have accomplished in one year on that drive home, as mean as it might sound, I would have laughed in their face.

One of the most special parts of graduation at RCC is the box each patient receives at the end of their stay. My box has been in the same spot on my dresser for the past year. It is filled with the good luck cards I received on my graduation day and other feel good notes I kept from my stay at RCC. Out of fear, I have not taken the time to open the box at all over the past year - until last night. Needless to say, I was a bit of an emotional wreck.

The last time I opened the box, I was unsure what the future would bring. I was terrified to leave the treatment chapter of my life behind and had a difficult time even thinking about what was next. Honestly, I wasn't even sure if I could continue using the tools I had learned in treatment on my own. Without my treatment team constantly looking over my shoulder and a daily weigh in, how would I find the strength within myself to recover?

Thankfully, I have surprised myself with the inner strength I have somehow managed to find over the past year. I wish I could say it has been easy and recovery is a smooth ride, but that would be a massive lie. There was a moment during my stay at RCC, however, when I remember thinking there was no turning back and decided I was willing to do whatever it took to somehow reach the other side. 

After a few months and a couple dozen pounds gained, I began growing out of my clothes. In order to make ourselves feel better, a few of my best treatment friends and I decided to burn our old, too small clothes. In that moment I remember feeling a sense of empowerment that I had never felt before. I was fighting back against my eating disorder and surprisingly, it gave me a high that I had never experience. 

By thinking back on that high, feeling of accomplishment and power, and the inner strength I discovered that night, I have been able to push through difficult times. In that moment I knew going back into my eating disordered ways would be so much worse than continuing in recovery. Burning my old clothes wasn't easy, but I survived it. Recovery hasn't been easy, but I'm surviving it. 

 In some ways I have felt like a two year old observing, learning, and taking in all of these new life experiences. Each day since my graduation one year ago, I have learned something new about myself and the world around me. Perhaps the most amazing thing of all is, nothing, and I mean not a single thing, in my life is the same as it was one year ago. I'm not even the same person.

This day is bittersweet as it marks the final one year anniversary of my recovery journey. I can no longer consider myself a newbie in recovery; however, that also means I can start making even bigger strides away from my eating disorder. It's scary to think about where my life would be without my stay in treatment.

The quote on the inside of my graduation day box says, "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see," and I never realized how relevant that is until now. Yes, at first look my past is troubling, but it's no longer all I see. I never thought one year after graduating from treatment I would see my past as a blessing in disguise or as having a positive influence over my future, but here I am.

I can't wait to see what year two will bring.

Progress.