Developing Self-Trust

Indecisiveness is something I have struggled with my whole life. Growing up in a misogynistic, fatphobic culture meant that around age twelve, I learned the only way to be accepted was to ignore my body and emotions. To fit in, I had to disassociate from myself. Then, in my twenties, I was forced into an addiction recovery program rooted in powerlessness after being criminalized for my trauma. It’s no wonder self-trust doesn’t come naturally.

This past week life presented me with an enormous, life-changing decision. Feeling torn between two options leads me to a heightened emotional and overthinking state. Historically, instead of trusting myself, I have relied on the opinions of others to help me choose right from wrong. I used alcohol or bulimia or whatever numbing agent I could get my hands on to keep my intuition at bay. All that numbing led to a lifetime of people-pleasing, rash, and hungover decisions.

The only way to avoid numbing while making this decision was to indulge in all the soothing practices available in my sobriety toolkit. The only way to welcome this self-trust developing opportunity was with kindness.

The first thing I did was allow myself space and grace and to move at a snail’s pace. All I could do was focus on slowing down and making the next right choice. Rest, hydration, and nourishment became my main priorities.

Next, I forced myself to be vulnerable, which has never come easily to me. Tearfully weighing out the options with my therapist and closest friend helped release some weight. I don’t have to carry big decisions alone.

Meditation and quiet time in nature also helped me connect with my innermost knowing. A few nights ago, after doing this meditation, I sipped tea and cried for almost three hours. Instead of distracting or numbing myself, I sat on the couch with my weighted blanket, allowed each emotion to surface, and then went straight to bed. Taking time to process difficult emotions, I’m learning, is a crucial step in reestablishing self-trust.

Yesterday, after a week of contemplation, I finally made a balanced decision based on my goals for the future. Thinking for myself and releasing people-pleasing feels foreign and scary. But, in the past, disassociation and reliance on the opinions of others led to addiction. Embodiment is the path toward healing.

Even though the stress of this past week’s indecisiveness left me with a twitching left eye, I can still celebrate this opportunity to build self-trust. I can celebrate my vulnerability and my thoughtfulness. Whatever happens in the future will be okay because my relationship with numbing has changed. By releasing the idea of making the right or wrong choice, I create space to stand firmly on my own two feet, listen to my gut, and lean into self-trust.

Progress.

“This life is mine alone. So I have stopped asking people for directions to places they’ve never been.” 

-Glennon Doyle