I experience triggering situations all of the time. Unfortunately, I imagine this is true for all people in recovery from substance use disorders. The reason most of us use drugs, alcohol, food, or any addictive behavior is to numb PTSD or other mental health symptoms. It’s not fun to constantly feel activated by my surroundings, but it’s a relentless part of sobriety.
Last week at work, there was a conversation about snowmobiling to bars and then driving home intoxicated like it was funny. As someone deemed a criminal for drinking and driving, I felt triggered by this conversation for days until I could unpack it with my therapist. Subconsciously that conversation brought me back to the handcuffs, the nights in jail, the inhumane strip searches, and the removal of my dignity. I felt intense, red-hot, boiling anger toward my coworkers for joking about using their privilege to avoid the law.
A few days later, I came across a Sah D'Simone meditation on InsightTimer that instructed me to see my triggers as a gift. What if I used triggering moments to direct me toward the work I need to do? What would happen if I tended to these triggers with compassion? What if I watered the seeds of self-love instead of resentment?
When I pause, look inside, and notice what is beneath my anger, I see my 23-year-old, hungover self curled up on a jail cell floor. I am shaking, sobbing, humiliated, petrified, cursing God, and alone. I see a girl who needs a hug and someone who understands, not gun-carrying men who speak to me like I’m scum.
While reflecting on that version of myself is painful, it is also the part of me that needs the most love. By reacting to triggers with anger, I unintentionally water the seeds of suffering. But when I uncover what is beneath my anger, I create space for healing. Choosing to see my triggers as a gift ignites curiosity and compassion. Wisdom lives underneath the trigger.
Today marks 99 consecutive days of meditation.
A few years ago, I couldn’t go 48 hours without drinking. Sticking with something for 99 days feels like a miracle. Meditation is something I look forward to now. It’s a time for me to connect with and recenter myself after people say triggering shit at work. It helps me slow down, which feels like a rebellious act in a society that values productivity.
Last night while meditating, I had a future vision of myself changing laws. If we are going to live in a culture where (this drug called) alcohol is legal and available 24/7, then all motor vehicles need to have breathalyzers. It is unfair to punish, humiliate, and criminalize a select few while others continue to joke about breaking the law.
Triggering conversations at work will continue to happen. But at least I can choose to see those triggers as a gift. I can use them to direct my path of inner work and healing.
By tending to my triggers with compassion, I release the anger that dims my light.
By watering seeds of kindness, I create space to shine bright.
Progress.
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