It's 3:30 in the morning. In two and a half short hours I have drag myself out of my cozy, warm bed to eat breakfast. Yup, almost time to eat again.
My brain is in overdrive. Two nights and three days is all I have left of this chapter of my life. Thursday I am "graduating" treatment (aka being discharged). Am I ready for this? Can I handle the work load on my own, without supervision and consequences? Is it possible to relocate back into the environment where this evil monster originated? Will anybody outside of the clinic have the slightest comprehension how complex this disease is? How will I find the strength to start fresh with a new therapist? Does anyone realize that the hard work actually starts now? Finally, I feel confident and comfortable being honest and open with others and now I'm expected to pack my bags? With all of these fears doing laps in my brain, it's no wonder I can't sleep.
The unfortunate part is, I haven't met anyone who is 100% ready to leave treatment. Isn't it ironic that I was dragged in kicking and screaming, but now I'm ready to move in and stay forever?! The staff could monitor my calories and weight everyday for the rest of my life and I wouldn't have to face the real world ever again. Sounds perfect! Unfortunately, I have gotten comfortable here and that tells me it's time for change, as frightening as it may be.
My original plan was to write in my journal after tossing and turning for hours, but shockingly, I had used up all the pages in my journal. Instead, I took a trip down memory lane and read some of entries from my early weeks of treatment. As long and drawn out as the days seem here, somehow the weeks fly by. My bottom lip began to quiver and tears filled my eyes as I read my own words from a few short weeks ago. I thought I would share a few things that stood out to me....
6/12/12 Day 2 in Ohio
"I think if I can truly take this treatment in then everything will be okay. They already know I'm good
at eating healthy foods, so why not challenge that? In no other circumstances would I eat this crap. So I need to 'celebebrate' and be proud of myself after each meal today. I have 3 opportunities to celebrate today, how lucky am I?!"
Day 2??? Somewhere down the road I forgot about this simple concept...
"Yesterday I didn't take my Adivan (anti anxiety med) until I saw zebra cakes on my plate at snack
and I almost shit a brick. So my goal for today is to simply get through the day without those stupid anti anxiety meds."
This made me laugh- now I get excited when we have Little Debbies in stock!
"My parents came to visit me for the first time today. I was really nervous, but I'm so glad they came! My dad told me he liked my make up... It's sad to think I went so long without it or feeling pretty."
My favorite part of the day now is doing my hair; it's thick and shiny again! Its amazing what food can do...
"I'm really pissed that I had to eat that crap! It didn't taste good. I didn't enjoy it. It made me feel SICK. How can I eat this (f-ing) food for weeks?! I can't believe I just put that in my body. I don't
want to be around people. I feel soooooo gross."
Obviously, that was a bad day. I feel like my first couple of weeks were that way. Every time I sat down to eat I felt angry. Anger is nearly impossible for me to express, so simply writing these things was improvement.
"No fireworks for me today, but I did have fun tonight. I went to the mall this morning with the girls and went 'creeking' tonight. I didn't really want to go, but I'm really glad Hilary convinced me. Those are the moments that keep me pushing through this crazy time."
This was oddly a turning point for me. I started to realize all of the fun moments I could have and lifelong friends I was making.
"Friday the 13th. I'm going home today for the weekend. I haven't been home for more than 24 hours in 9 weeks! I'm so nervous. I'm sweating already."
"Sunday morning and I'm in the back seat going back to RCC. Overall I had a decent weekend with a few hiccups here and there. I got all my calories in and that was my only goal... I'm excited to get back, what is wrong with me? Maybe I need to prolong this process as long as possible."
I have made huge strides since that weekend. My final weekend at home showed me how far I have come.
Going home will be rough. There's no doubt about it. However, if I take a little time to step back and open my eyes, I will see how far I have come. I am comfortable here. Finally. Unfortunately, progress isn't possible in my comfort zone. My only goal for the week is to cherish every single moment. I will remember these next few days for the rest of my life. It's time to go out with a bang!
Phew, glad I got that off my chest. Maybe now my brain has calmed down enough to get those two and a half hours of sleep before its time to eat again...