Happy Halloween

For the first time in probably 15 years I am truly pumped that today is Halloween. There was a time during my early childhood I remember eating Halloween candy without an ounce of guilt. Somewhere along the way, however, those thoughts were dramatically changed. Halloween and it's never ending amounts of candy quickly began to haunt me. I was the Halloween Grinch.

However, last night while I was making my meal plan for today, I was able to channel my inner child and plan all the candy I wanted. I had a Reese's peanut butter cup with my breakfast, Twizzlers with my lunch, a mini Milky Way, Snickers, and Mike n' Ike's for snack, and coconut M&Ms (my new fave) after dinner. I'm not sure if I'm on a sugar high or what, but I can't stop smiling today. There is something so freeing about being able to eat whatever I want (as long as I stay within my calorie range) and knowing it won't cause weight gain.

I actually did the math and if I really wanted to, I could eat 31.25 Reese's cups today (and nothing else) and not gain an ounce. This is the best day ever.

Progress.

This past Sunday while visiting my Grandma Cronkright, she was super excited to show us her Halloween costume for this year. 

 

She brought out this old bonnet that was her great great grandma's. We still haven't been able to figure out how or why she had it. It had to have been at least 100 years old. She wore her bonnet and long house coat; She was an Old Maid for Halloween. I hope I can have that kind of sense of humor when I'm 92 years old.

 Then, because my dad is the biggest dork in the world, he decided to put the costume on. My brother and his lovely girlfriend where on their way over and my dad greeted them at the door like this....

I love my family. Happy Halloween! :)

Anna Rexia Costume?!

I stumbled across this, this morning....

Anna Rexia, the eating disorder Halloween costume

"Every year at Halloween, we've come to expect costumes that depict political figures, comic book characters and otherworldly beings, but what about dressing up like a serious eating disorder?

The costume known as Anna Rexia, a getup that makes a mockery of the disease anorexia, features a tight black dress with skeleton detail down the front, measuring tape to tie around your shrinking waist and neck, Anna Rexia heart name tag (in case people don't get it) and a bone barrette to put in your hair."  (The full article is here- Anna Rexia Costume)

I can't even think clearly enough to form a logical sentence. Is this really what our society has come to?! Last week I saw an article about Disney creating a Skinny Minnie Mouse (Skinney Minnie Article); and now this? Why is the only acceptable weight in our society unhealthy? Eating disorders are the number one cause of death for all mental health disorders in the United States. And someone thought it was funny enough to make a costume out of it?

I'm disgusted.

Progress.

Thin Trap

My body image has been atrocious lately, which inevitably leads to the “I miss being thin” trap. And yes, that is partially true, but what stops me from romanticizing that image is knowing that the mental instability that I was feeling at that point was unbearable. I never want to be at that place again. Plus, all I saw was a distorted self-image, so why would I try to seek something I is know is unattainable?

Progress.

 

I also found some pretty awesome throwback Halloween pictures today. I can't stop laughing... 

Larsen Daniel

It's hard for me to believe my first home trial weekend from RCC was three months ago. For those of you who don't remember my awesome golf skills from that weekend, here's a little reminder...

For the first time in a good three months, I was home. During those three months I hadn't seen my younger brother, Larsen, at all. Looking back on it now, all I remember is how nerve racking it was to see him again. Did he have any clue where I had been? Did he know I had an eating disorder? Would he notice my weight gain? Was he going to to say something to me about it? Should I bring it up with him? Would he even understand what an eating disorder was? So many unanswered questions; my mind was racing.

After he surprisingly agreed to hit a few golf balls with me in the backyard, it was obvious he knew more about my whereabouts than I had expected. Typically, he's home for about five minutes to eat something, shower, get a change of clothes, and then he's out the door heading towards one of his buddy's houses. As we were laughing at my perfect golf swing, I realized how special that moment was. Lars had taken time out of his busy schedule to spend time with me. Without using any words, he had answered all of my nervous questions and I knew he cared.

Sometime during our golf game, Larsen went inside with my dad to cool down and get a soda. Thanks to my Cronkright genes, I am pretty competitive- I kept working on my swing and didn't even notice he had left for a few minutes.

A couple of months later, my dad brought up that day. After laughing about it for a few minutes, he told me that while he was inside getting a drink with Lars, Lars said, "I have my sister back," with a huge smile on his face. Needless to say, I instantly started crying. I'm even tearing up now as I'm typing this. My brain was so distorted that I honestly didn't even think anyone, especially not my 20-year-old kid brother, could tell how sick I was.

Without knowing it, Larsen has been one of my biggest supports and inspirations to get healthy. The older I get, the more I realize how important family is. For most of my life I have been jealous of that kid. As total opposites growing up, I always felt like he was given all of the positive qualities I lacked and it wasn't fair. However, as I continue to get healthy, that bit of envy has grown into admiration.

After spending a good amount of time with my brother this weekend, I noticed I no longer feel like I'm known as "Larsen's sister." I no longer live in his shadows. Finally, I'm figuring out who I am and I'm so thankful he has been such a huge part of my recovery.

Progress.

200 Calories

I missed 200 calories yesterday.

I'm choosing to be honest with myself & all of you about it (for a change).

Because I'm not perfect & neither is recovery.

Progress.

& here's my new pump up song. Thanks mrb :)

Indian Summer

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

My body image was atrocious. The distorted side of my brain does an excellent job of convincing me that I somehow put on fifty pounds over night. Getting dressed becomes an hour long event and getting through meals even more difficult than normal. I was crabby.

Today was also one of the most beautiful Indian Summer days I can remember. Sunny and 75 degrees on October 25th is a rare thing in Michigan. My mom came home at noon and wanted to jump in the kayaks, but I was perfectly content to stay in my sweat pants and be miserable all day. I often question why it's so much easier to stay down and in a bad mood than to go out and do something you enjoy. Doesn't make any sense...

 

After a two hour nap, I decided to get out my funk and live in the moment. The old Kelsi would have never even questioned my distorted brain and would still be been participating in my pity party. But something has obviously changed. I could not have asked for a better afternoon floating down the Mighty Chip with my lovely mother.

Progress.

F.A .Meeting

This past week, as recommended by my therapist, I went to an FA (food addicts) meeting. For weeks my new outpatient therapist has been trying to convince me, but I have been hesitant for obvious reasons. But after a few weeks I began to run out of reasons not to go. An eating disorder is an eating disorder, so I was hopeful that I might be able to relate to this group of people.

Nope. Not one bit.

The entire 90 minutes I was bombarded with weight loss stories, restrictive meal plans, and a core belief that flour and sugar were poison. Just writing about this makes me so anxious that I'm losing my train of thought. For the past six months my world has revolved around facing fear foods and retraining those restrictive thoughts. Worst of all, I had to stand up and introduce myself with "Hi, my name is Kelsi & I'm a food addict." To put it bluntly, it was a shit show. Complete and utter madness. 

Needless to say, I was furious. Humiliated. Fed up. I had not been that triggered in months. As I (literally) ran out the door and to my car, I actually allowed myself to feel anger. Somewhere during my childhood I created the belief that angry people were mean and unapproachable; far from the "perfect" Kelsi I was trying to be. I didn't know what to do with myself or my anger.

What was my therapist thinking?! Was she trying to trick me? In the moment it felt like she was actually trying to send be backwards into relapse. I was done with this crazy lady. Earlier this week I called around and scheduled an appointment to meet with a new therapist. I didn't plan on going to my session today at all, but shockingly, I'm so glad I did.

I went into my session today with that same angry attitude. On my way into town, I had my "pump up" music going; there was no way this incident was going to be left unsettled. Forced to use my assertive voice, I somehow found the courage to tell her how ANGRY I was. Before the session was over, I even told her that I had already found a new therapist and wasn't even planning on coming in. This is huge for me. Never, ever do I say what I'm really feeling in fear of being a disappointment.

And my assertiveness actually paid off. First (and most importantly) she apologized for sending me there. As we talked through some things, I was able to shift my thinking dramatically. Yes, it was not a good situation for me to be in at all, but I didn't allow it to ruin my progress. All of those triggering thoughts would have easily sent the old Kelsi back into unhealthy patterns, but I actually noticed something unhealthy and stood up against it. It also gave me the opportunity to feel anger, sit through it, and deal with in a healthy manner. Crazy.

Most importantly, like I mentioned before, it allowed me to use my assertive voice. For the first time ever, I stood up for myself and my recovery. Not only did I push my therapist today, but more importantly, I pushed myself. I got more out of my session today than I ever dreamed. I was real and honest with my feelings & it paid off. It's hard for me to even believe I am typing these things... 

Serious Progress.

Perfect Weight

After years of obsessing over food, numbers, calories, & weight, I’m ready to make a change. Now that I’m fully committed to this little thing called recovery, I need to switch that obsession to something more productive. Every single day I’m making progress & I rarely take the time to stop and acknowledge it.

I can’t promise I will be able to update this blog every single day, but it’s worth a try. No matter how big or small the growth may be, it needs to be brought to my attention.  

Progress. Progress. Progress. My new obsession will be progress.

Welcome to my Progression Obsession. :)

Yesterday I had a check up with my doctor. I have been getting weighed weekly to help hold me accountable and to track that pesky little number on the scale. All summer I was chasing my "goal weight" and after I finally reached that number I was able to begin transitioning home. It's actually funny to think back to the day my therapist told me what that number was. In my head I was throwing a temper tantrum; never, ever in my wildest dreams did I actually think I would reach that number.

Well, after five weeks of being home, and being on maintenance calories, that number has gone up a few pounds. Nothing noticeable. But enough to play with my mind. My doctor told me yesterday that right now I am at the "perfect weight" for my age and height. I have spent my entire life trying to be perfect, so I should be thrilled, right? Not so much...
 

If I'm being completely honest, I'm not very happy about it. At the same time, however, I know that simply reaching that number is HUGE progress in it's self. The number on the scale no longer dictates my entire life, like it did for so many years. I'm not happy about it today, but I'm learning how to be.

So for today, my progress is reaching a medically "perfect" weight and having the mindset to stick with it. I might not be thrilled about it today, but it sure beats the alternative!

Progress.