Sunday, November 10, 2013

Lessons from the Mental Hospital


I've been in a bit of a TED talk craze lately, so forgive me for referencing one for the second time this week. Lessons from the Mental Hospital by Glennon Doyle Melton made me laugh and cry and wonder if this woman somehow hacked into my own brain. Minus a few details, our stories are freakishly similar.

My eating disorder went through several different phases - from restricting to binging to purging to maybe eating somewhat normally here and there only to end up purging some more. Technically I was diagnosed with anorexia due to my dangerously low weight at the time of admission to treatment, but could have been diagnosed with several other things as well. For the final six months or so before entering treatment, my life was nearly identical to Melton's college years:

"The sun rose everyday and I started binging and purging, and when the sun set, I drank myself stupid. The sunrise is usually people's signal to get up, but it was my signal everyday to come down. To come down from the booze... I could not come down. That was to be avoided at all costs. So I hated the sunrise. I'd close the blinds and put the pillows over my head. While my spinning brain would torture me about the people that were going out into the day, into the light, to make relationships and pursue their dreams and have a day. And I had no day. I only had night."

Like Melton, I was a disaster. My life had been ruined. Thankfully, however, I was admitted to a short term mental hospital for four weeks to stabilize my health before my six month stay in treatment. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I can now see those first four weeks in the mental hospital forever changed my life.

Don't get me wrong being admitted to a hospital for mental issues isn't the most fun I have ever had; however, for the first time in my entire life it felt like the people around me were speaking my language. Without knowing the details of each individual story, I could sense similar pain and frustration begging for relief and understanding. The people I met in the mental hospital taught me more about myself and this big, scary world than I will ever learn in a classroom.

Public speaking is not my favorite thing in the world. In fact, those of you who know me well know I'm not a real big talker in general. But for some strange reason, every time I go back to my treatment center to guest speak or just simply being in that group therapy setting, I feel at ease. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason I have been through these struggles is so I could find a place where I feel connected to those around me... Even if it is in a mental hospital or treatment facility with "crazy" people.

Melton begins to wrap up her TED talk with this quote,

"I still get very high and very low in life. Daily. But I've finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made. That I don't have to hide it and I don't have to fix it, I'm not broken. And I've actually started to wonder if you're sensitive too? Maybe you feel great pain and deep joy but you just don't feel safe talking about it in the real world. So now instead of trying to make myself tougher, I write and I serve people to help create a world where sensitive people don't need super hero capes. Where we can all come out into the big scary world and just be humans."

I love that for so many different reasons. Why have I grown up believing being sensitive and having feelings is somehow wrong or unacceptable? Most of the people in my life feel most like themselves on a baseball field and always thought I was wrong for not feeling the same way. I feel most like myself in a mental health setting, and although it has taken me awhile to get here, I can finally see my stay in the mental hospital wasn't such a bad thing after all.

Progress.

14 comments:

  1. yep. what I like hearing. no one relates to that but I totally understand when you said being admitting into a mental inpatient place I felt like people spoke my language for once. this is really refreshing to hear. I honestly sometimes strangely miss that place

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    1. That isn't strange at all. I miss the safeness of it too sometimes!

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  2. This is so b eautiful Kelsi Thank you for sharing
    Love
    Caitriona

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  3. The calm acceptance that she shows is inspiring. When we find someone out there who can understand our pain, it is a great gift. Even better when we can see that someone like us can be successful and thrive. There is hope after all. <3

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    1. Yes, exactly. That was one of my favorite TED talks of all time. She did a great job. xx

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  4. Thank you again for this TED talk. I hear these things over and over in the program, and she really spoke well to reach out to the others. It did to me. Great speakers are totally gems! I loved it, and all what she said is so true. I love when she said, "I am not a super hero anymore, but I am a fully human being (maybe not exactly what she said....)". I am understanding life finally that I was misunderstanding it. <3

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    1. Yes, I thought that was perfect too! She is great. Maybe even my new idol! :)

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  5. kels, that ted talk really spoke to me as well. i think our stories are more alike than i ever realized. when i found out alcohol did a better job of numbing my anxieties than starving myself did it became out of control quickly. i know eds and other substance abuse typically go hand in hand. i have found now that my eating habits are under control and i am fully recovered that the urge to drink has gone away. i hope you find this peace as well.
    xxx -haley

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    1. That is so great to hear! Thank you for sharing! I'm still in a weird place with it. I wish it was easier now that the ED symptoms are under control, but I still want to numb. So maybe over time I will find that peace! <3

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  6. Love this post. Thank you for sharing. :)

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  7. That TED talk made me laugh. I have been there. Thank you, Kelsi, for the courage to share your experience. Most of us with eating disorders have been there because like you said, other mental health disorders are present more often than not. I don't even think some professionals realize this, making you ahead of the pack.

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    1. I'm not sure if most professionals recognize the co-morbid factors or not. But I think they are probably trained in one field or the other, making them unable to treat two or more at a time... Make sense?

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