How is it possible we are only fifteen days away from Christmas? How is it possible this is finals week already? I swear, just yesterday I was still wearing flip flops and working on my summer tan; today there are four or five inches of snow on the ground and temperatures aren't even supposed to peak in the twenties. Can someone please tell me where the time goes?!
Yesterday my mom asked me if I would put together a list of gifts I want for Christmas this year. I'll be honest, in years past this has been one my favorite tasks. My Christmas lists have always been a good page or two (or three or four) in length just in case my parents magically discovered extra spending money that year.
This year, however, I am finding it incredibly difficult to come up with much of a list at all. The two things I do have on my list are a haircut and a pair of jeans; both of which I could probably do without (well, except maybe the hair cut. I might end up taking a pair of kitchen scissors to my locks if I don't do something about this hair in the next fifteen days).
Maybe this is a sign of my old age officially kicking in. This year Christmas isn't necessarily about Christmas morning. While I was a kid, and while I was sick, the more gifts I unwrapped Christmas morning the better I felt about myself. I wanted to tell all of my friends I now owned the latest piece of technology - whether it was a computer or a phone or whatever. I wanted to show up at school after break in my new clothes because I knew everyone else would be doing the same. Christmas gifts gave me a false and very temporary boost in self-esteem and distracted me from actually enjoying the Christmas season.
Also, for several years Christmas was an anxiety-filled time for me. All of the family parties, cookies, and heavy winter comfort foods sent my eating disorder into panic mode. Rather than spending my days running around campus alone, not only was I forced to sit with uncomfortable emotions while on break, I was also surrounded by people who I thought had a close eye on my eating habits. Maybe recovery has taught me a thing or two about the joys of Christmas, too.
Again, this year is somehow different than Christmas's past. Maybe I have finally learned the road to inner peace forces us to dig much deeper than material things. Don't get me wrong, if I really wanted to come up with a longer Christmas list, I could absolutely do so. Instead, for a change, I think I will see what happens if I ask for less.
I just might be surprised and receive "more" as a result.
Progress.
I'm glad that you are feeling able to enjoy the holidays on a different level this year - that's major progress, in my opinion. Being able to allow yourself to be present is a gift in and of itself.
ReplyDeleteI have always kind of mourned Christmas morning. There was something so magical about the wrapped presents under the tree, so much possibility and magic waiting to happen. So it felt sad to me when the gifts were unwrapped. I think I'd be perfectly happy with no gifts at all just pretty wrapped boxed to look at and wonder about! :)
I know, I feel sad when all of the gifts are unwrapped and it's all over too. Love the idea of no gifts, but pretty boxes under the tree! :)
DeleteWell, when you move out on your own those material things can quickly form a loooong list of all the things you conveniently had at home once upon a time, and now no longer have! Inner peace may not come from material things, but owning baking sheets for cookie making and ice cream scoops for every day all the time ice cream breaks definitely can play a part in that peace! ;)
ReplyDeleteHaha that is a very good point Kristi! Luckily I do have quite a bit of stuff from when I lived on my own before... Not sure if I have an ice cream scoop though. ;)
DeleteHi, first of all I would like to tell you that I think you are really beautiful and brave. But I am writing this also because I need an advise from a person that has been through the same experience as mine. As I have always had a lot of problems with food and my body that made me really depressed, I started a therapy ... things are better, but I still feel really guilty when I eat and there is always an annoying voice in my head saying horrible things. I can' t ignore it and the worst thing is that I feel different from my friends who seem perfectly fine with themselves . I have tried to talk with them about my eating disorder but they don' t understand ( they say it is simple). Is there a way to be more relaxed when it comes to eating .... I mean how did you manage to make your mind stop telling that you can' t eat for example e piece of cake because otherwise you would be horrible ? I hope you understand what I wrote because my English is not so good but I ned to try :)
ReplyDeleteHey there!
DeleteFirst of all, I am so so so sorry your therapist is telling you eating disorders are simple. He or she obviously is not trained in eating disorders because they are one of the most difficult (if not THE most difficult) disease to treat. Is it possible for you to look into other options? I know it's difficult to start over with someone new, but I think you might benefit from seeing and ed specialist.
Second, I wish I had answers for you about how to make eating easier. For me it was just one of those things that I had to struggle through. It does help to remind yourself that food is your medicine right now and that what you see in the mirror is extremely distorted. I know exactly how you feel right now and it's not easy. Just know that it does get easier each time you face a fear food. You will learn that eating a piece of cake will not make you gain ten pounds overnight. And you will learn that it actually takes a lot more calories to gain weight than you realize. Hang in there!! It does get easier... You just have to keep eating... unfortunately. <3
I really appreciate your help, you have been very kind ! Unfortunately I can' t change therapist because I should ask my parents to spend more money for me ( I'm 17 and I don' t have a job), but I' ll try to stay positive and fix my problems on my own as good as I can. Thanks again for your help, it' s really nice to talk with someone that understands you <3
DeleteWell I think it's really impressive you are trying to do this in your own! Not many people can do that. Keep up the good work!! :)
DeleteA sign of getting old??? A sign of getting wiser! Someone has said, "if it is man made, it is going to break sooner or later. It is not permanent." Materials are nice to have, and I think that they work temporary. Happiness comes from within, and Christmas means to appreciate life and what we have. An ideal picture of Christmas is only in Hallmark channel, and that's the truth. You will have a wonderful Christmas when you have gratitude =) <3
ReplyDeleteHaha thanks for not calling me old, Kyoko! I think wiser is a much better way to look at it, too. I hope you're doing well! xoxo
Deletehi kelsi, i'm 23 & "recovering" from an eating disorder. i say that in quotes because i haven't been able to get into a doctor yet (finally have a consultation on the 23rd) but i'm already eating "recovery calories" 3,000+ calories.. except it's almost ALWAYS at least 3,500 a day. I have a nutritionist but she hasn't weighed me and i've only met with her once.. I'm writing to you because I am absolutely depressed over how much my body has changed in just 3 weeks.. I literally spent the last hour reading probably 50% of the posts you've made since 2011... i want to thank you so much for being brave & documenting your recovery. reading about it has given me some comfort <3 although i do have a couple questions i would like to ask you if possible.. would you mind e-mailing me @ jennileonardi@aol.com ? thank you in advance <3
ReplyDeleteHey Jen,
DeleteThanks so much for your comment! Those first few weeks (and all of the weight gain really) are soooo difficult! Unfortunately, I think it is perfectly normal to feel depressed before it gets better. You are letting go of your old coping mechanisms which makes you feel out of control and ultimately depressed. Keep fighting the good fight. It does get better! I will email you a little later this morning! Thanks for being so patient. These past couple of weeks have been super busy! Talk soon! :)