Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Life > Eating Disorder


Recovery continues to be a strange place for me these days. I find myself avoiding this blog and running from talking or thinking about anything eating disorder related, which is completely opposite from how I was a few short weeks ago. It almost feels like life is becoming more important than the eating disorder, and while that's a wonderful thing, it also makes me a little uneasy.

Life is actually pretty great right now.  Last week I finished up my first (and only) semester back at the university I failed out of a few years ago. I found a way to face my daily triggers and push through the courses - which isn't something I was sure I could ever do, but I did it. Wait, not only did I do it, I also ended up getting all As.

In three weeks I'll be starting at a new university and am finally moving back out on my own. My housing arrangements were just finalized yesterday and I could not be more excited. For the past year or so I have felt trapped living in my parents basement, but there is finally an end in sight. The past couple of months have been spent worrying about the future and driving myself crazy for no reason. Things really do seem to fall into place with time, patience, and a little hard work.

There are also a few new relationships developing in my life right now. New friends have come into my life and I have been lucky enough to reconnect with a few old friends. It's a really nice change to see my social circle slowly developing again. As I begin this new chapter at the new school, hopefully the number of new friends will continue to increase. I don't think many people realize how isolating eating disorders can be or how scary it can be to put yourself out there after years of being sick. Thankfully, my fears of never being accepted due to my past have been proven wrong.

Eating, as unbelievable as this may sound, has almost become second nature. Don't get me wrong, I still have days where I try on every single sweater in my closet only to leave the house with a heavy bad body image cloud hanging over my head - but what girl doesn't experience that from time to time? 

Recovery is no longer about food for me. In fact, I don't think it has been about food for awhile now. Recovery has become a constant battle against my inner, incredibly harsh self-critic. I'm starting to think this battle and constant quest for self-improvement is what recovery is all about. It is possible I will spend the rest of my life searching for this so-called "happy place," but I have learned over the past few weeks just how important it is to focus on how far I have come rather than how far I still have to go.

This place in recovery is also strange because I feel like I will somehow begin to relapse if I continue to allow my life grow larger than the disorder. A good friend of mine gave me the most perfect advice last night, "Your life revolved around EDs for years! And now separation from that is an option. It is reasonable to want to take that!"

Progress.

19 comments:

  1. Love this post! From beginning to end! Recovery is a journey that is constantly evolving, and continuously requires new forms of courage. Courage is not a cookie-cutter definition, just as recovery is not confined to one path or one time-frame.

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    1. Does the quote at the end sound familiar??! :-)

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    2. Strangely, it does..... hmmmmmm..... :)

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  2. Kelsi,

    You're amazing! So proud of you. A semester back at school and all A's to top it off. Keep shining <3

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  3. Congratulations - you have clearly come so far and that is no small feat. You are settling in to who you are beautifully and you are right, we humans are constantly growing and (hopefully) evolving. That change can be scary but also it is the only way to move forward into the beauty of the future. And I fully believe your future will be stunning :)

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    1. It is a scary change, but like you said, I don't think those scary changes ever stop happening. Thank you so much for such kind words! <3

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  4. First, congratulations on your final being over! You must have so many good feelings about it. And, about "Recovery"... Recovery is a life long journey for people who have addictive personalities because we probably carry these personalities for a long long time... Maybe, some will disappear throughout recovery but some will stick with us. Free from food obsession is a beginning of the journey, although it seems like the end when we start :) My sponsor from the program has told me that I start to recover when I am lifted from my obsession, and I know what she means. There are many long timers in the program who no longer have weight or food issues, because we all know that we need to be reminded ourselves that we all struggled at some points of our past. It brings humility, compassion to the others, gratitude and etc. It keeps strengthen our own recovery. This is mainly the reason why I belong to the program. Focus is not on the substance, but get well in life. <3

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    1. It would be amazing to be completely free of weight and food issues, wouldn't it? Free from all substances and means of avoidance. That would be my perfect world haha. Great to hear from you, Kyoko! :)

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  5. Long-time reader, but first time commenter. I just wanted to say, you're incredible! Such an amazing inspiration! XX

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    1. I really appreciate that - you made my day! :-)

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  6. What a great post to read! I remember the days of college finals--so definitely congratulations are in order for your outstanding results and effort! I love that you have budding and returning friendships...life is so rich and beautiful with good friends.
    Your path is a good one. Thank you for continuing to share. You are still in my prayers, and I hope you have a joyous Christmas! --Alison

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    1. Hey there Alison! It's really great to hear from you.
      I hope you're having a great holiday season as well! :-)

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  7. So happy for you
    Sending love from Ireland
    I still read all ur old posts
    Thank u for all ur emails and for never giving up
    Love triona

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  8. I recently found your site and have been reading your posts :) I want to say thank you for making this site and for all the information. I am in recovery and have found the information very helpful. I am wishing you well and hope you are enjoying your life to the fullest.

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  9. Hi Kelsi - just wanted to see how you're getting on at uni and having moved out?
    XxX

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  10. I could read ur blog a million times and yet always get something from it
    I just emailed as well
    Thank u
    thank u

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    1. Hey thanks so much!! Email me at kmcronkr@svsu.edu.

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  11. Many people find help in Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous. Some of us have been diagnosed as morbidly obese while others are undereaters. Among us are those who were severely bulimic, who have harmed themselves with compulsive exercise, or whose quality of life was impaired by constant obsession with food or weight. We tend to be people who, in the long-term, have failed at every solution we tried, including therapy, support groups, diets, fasting, exercise, and in-patient treatment programs.



    FA has over 500 meetings throughout the United States in large and small cities such as Boston, San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, Charlotte, Grand Rapids, Atlanta, Fort Lauderdale, Austin, and Washington, D.C. Internationally, FA currently has groups in England, Canada, Germany, New Zealand and Australia. If you would like more information about FA, please check out our website at www [dot] foodaddicts [dot] org. If there aren’t any meetings in your area, you can contact the office by emailing FA at foodaddicts [dot] org, where someone will help you.

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