I know I already posted once today, but I am having a serious epiphany that needs to be shared.
When I first left treatment, I often wondered how anyone could ever go back to an eating disorder treatment facility for a second, third, fourth, or how ever many times it took before they were "well." At the same time; however, I had many friends who went back to a different treatment facility for other, comorbid, reasons and never thought they were weak or questioned their need for further help.
Upon entering treatment I was still on probation for a "super drunk" DUI arrest. However, I was unwilling to admit that I had a drinking problem. I had worked at two different wineries for two years prior to my arrest and was miserablely hovering between 80 and 90lbs. In addition to my eating disorder, I drank. I drank to ease my anxieties and restricted to feel good about myself.
In order to help my 22 year old best friend understand, I sent her this message...
"Think of it this way, I restricted calories to feel good about myself and drank to ease my anxieties. I've never really dealt with my anxiety, which happens on a daily basis. The anxiety has eased up a bit now that my brain is getting proper nutrition, but it hasn't fully healed. I take things to another level; think of your anxieties about growing up and being an adult and then multiply it by 30. I'm still 26, almost 27, and needing help. Far from "being on track." So it raises my anxiety that much more, even though I know it will be okay... Someday."
It's hard. It's really hard. It's hard for anyone to understand.
I have a best friend who has seen me through thick and thin (literally), but still doesn't quite get it. Maybe her misunderstanding proves I'm not so ignorant for not understanding why most people need multiple treatments before gaining a full sense of recovery.
I have a loving boyfriend, a loving family who supports me more than they should, friends who are amazing, and a recovery team who will always be there, but I still struggle. I still make bad decisions. I still drink. I still get extreme anxiety.
I'm not looking for pity. This is just the way it is.
Maybe this is where an untreated anxiety disorder and a normal person are different.
Maybe this is where healthy coping skills need to become a part of daily life.
Maybe this is why my best friend says she gets anxiety but doesn't drink or have an eating disorder as a result.
Maybe this is a true disease.
Maybe I need to take this much more seriously.
Maybe this is why people go back to treatment so many times.
Maybe they don't symptom swap and just can't shake the eating disorder.
Maybe I need further treatment after two years of eating disorder treatment discharge.
Maybe this is hard to admit.
Maybe I'm not alone in this struggle.
Maybe I need to ease up on myself and those destructive thoughts.
Maybe realizing this is a big deal.