Saturday, January 3, 2015

Further Treatment? Not A Horrible Thing, After All

I know I already posted once today, but I am having a serious epiphany that needs to be shared.

When I first left treatment, I often wondered how anyone could ever go back to an eating disorder treatment facility for a second, third, fourth, or how ever many times it took before they were "well." At the same time; however, I had many friends who went back to a different treatment facility for other, comorbid, reasons and never thought they were weak or questioned their need for further help.

Upon entering treatment I was still on probation for a "super drunk" DUI arrest. However, I was unwilling to admit that I had a drinking problem. I had worked at two different wineries for two years prior to my arrest and was miserablely hovering between 80 and 90lbs. In addition to my eating disorder, I drank. I drank to ease my anxieties and restricted to feel good about myself.

In order to help my 22 year old best friend understand, I sent her this message...

"Think of it this way, I restricted calories to feel good about myself and drank to ease my anxieties. I've never really dealt with my anxiety, which happens on a daily basis. The anxiety has eased up a bit now that my brain is getting proper nutrition, but it hasn't fully healed. I take things to another level; think of your anxieties about growing up and being an adult and then multiply it by 30. I'm still 26, almost 27, and needing help. Far from "being on track." So it raises my anxiety that much more, even though I know it will be okay... Someday."

It's hard. It's really hard. It's hard for anyone to understand.

I have a best friend who has seen me through thick and thin (literally), but still doesn't quite get it. Maybe her misunderstanding proves I'm not so ignorant for not understanding why most people need multiple treatments before gaining a full sense of recovery.

I have a loving boyfriend, a loving family who supports me more than they should, friends who are amazing, and a recovery team who will always be there, but I still struggle. I still make bad decisions. I still drink. I still get extreme anxiety.

I'm not looking for pity. This is just the way it is.

Maybe this is where an untreated anxiety disorder and a normal person are different.

Maybe this is where healthy coping skills need to become a part of daily life.
Maybe this is why my best friend says she gets anxiety but doesn't drink or have an eating disorder as a result.
Maybe this is a true disease.

Maybe I need to take this much more seriously.
Maybe this is why people go back to treatment so many times.
Maybe they don't symptom swap and just can't shake the eating disorder.
Maybe I need further treatment after two years of eating disorder treatment discharge.
Maybe this is hard to admit.

Maybe I'm not alone in this struggle.
Maybe I need to ease up on myself and those destructive thoughts.
Maybe realizing this is a big deal.



  1. I'm proud of you.
    I'm one of those people who has returned to eating disorder treatment two, three, four times... and still struggles (and wonders how she can still possibly be fighting the same battle). As I was reading I had the same thought, "I still have extreme anxiety, but I don't drink... I just continue to use the ED". I know that my anxiety about the future (and my anxiety in general) is definitely a big part of why I'm having such difficulty shaking the eating disorder.

    You are definitely not alone in this struggle. And all of this is definitely hard to admit. But I'm proud of you for having this realization, and writing and sharing about it. And I admire your ability to share all that you do. You're braver than I.

    1. This means a lot, as you can testify to still struggling with the ED over and over again. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, I'm not sure) my struggles and addictions have changed. I think we are all in the same battle, just on different levels. I respect you so much for leaving this comment and wish you the best of luck. <3

  2. Kelsi,
    This is a big deal. Congrats to you for realizing what you need even if you still struggle. That's the first step. There's nothing to be ashamed of here. You are human. <3

  3. Although you cut me out for reasons that I am unaware of out of nowhere I want you to know that this post shows so much bravery

  4. Another brave post, you are such an inspiration girl! I think most people have underlying issues that dont ever get dealt with because they dont show themselves in an apparent way. I have a friend who drinks, way too much. but everyone accepts it and laughs it off. I feel sad because i know he will never get help for the issues behind why he drinks. but i know that for myself, i would not want continue punishing my body and struggling to cope when there ARE other options and it is no bad thing to acknowledge our flaws and get help.
    Proud of you kelsi xx

    1. Thanks so much, Clemmy. Its not an easy thing to admit and its not fun to get help for, but it isn't something I can continue any longer. I hope you are doing well! I miss hearing from you! xo

  5. Just read this and loved it :) So proud and thankful for your recovery <3 keep your head up and pushing through!!

    1. Made me cry Autumn. You've been such a great part of my life this past year and I can't thank you enough for being there. Sending all my love. <3

    2. can't wait to make some more fun memories :) i think the dance floor is calling our name ;)

  6. I just sent you mail I hope ur doing ok