Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Dreaded Weight GAIN in Recovery....

So I got on the scale the other day for the first time in over a year and almost had a heart attack.

I've gained a few pounds this summer. Ironically, the only reason I stepped on the scale was because I could feel the weight gain in my gut (haha bad joke, but serious).

I could feel it in the way my clothes fit, in my energy level, and in my hunger levels.
1. Skirts and dresses still fit, but my skinny jeans are super uncomfortable.
2. I'm always tired, hate waking up in the morning, and sometimes feel worse after coffee.
3. My hunger has been non-existent, which should be a huge red flag. Don't eat if your body doesn't need it. Simple. 

I sometimes wonder after two weeks of this how it is possible to become overweight, which sounds like an awful thing to say, but it's true. 
Simply put, I feel terrible.

Maybe that's because I have struggled with an eating disorder and the slightest weight gain makes me feel like a balloon. 
Maybe it's because I hate feeling full.
Maybe it's because it's summer and I have been eating hot dogs, potato salad, and french fries.
Maybe it's because my activity level has severely decreased.
Maybe it's because I have reached my late twenties (only 2.5 years until I'm  30. AHHHH) and my metabolism is finally slowing down.

In all honestly, it's probably a combination of all of the things listed above. Actually, in all honestly, I think it might be normal to go through five pound weight fluctuations. But it honestly feels like the end of the world while being someone who recently dealt with an eating disorder. 

Just last week, I spoke with my (new) therapist about this. I was sure it was all in my head and feeling "fat" was nonsense... Until I got on the scale. Damnit, scale.

Sure, I'm still at a healthy weight for my height and most of my clothes still fit (although some of them are a bit tight). 
Sure, it's only five pounds, but it feels like the end of the world. 
In all honesty, it makes me want to start a diet tomorrow, which is Monday, and power through until I lose a good 10lbs..
 It makes my brain act in crazy ways. 

In all honesty, this weight is still a few pounds below the weight my treatment team set for me. Sometimes I wonder if they purposely set our goal weight a few pounds higher than need be because they know we will lose a few post treatment... Or maybe my low mood has been due to lack of lbs? It's so hard to say and it's so frustrating to be in this position.

So here I am admitting to weight gain, which might be one of the most difficult things I have done in years. How could I be so weak to eat this much? How can I be so stubborn to not accept this might be where my body needs to be? How could I? 

The good news is, I'll be okay.
I might hate it and I might try to cut calories.
But I'll be okay.

The good news is, I know better than to lose too much weight. My metabolism will settle where it needs to. My body might gain weight as that is normal as we age and the metabolism changes. I might need to eat a bit healthier and fit in a bit more activity, which sounds like the rest of America.  

But I'll be okay.
There's no need to lose 30lbs in order to be happy or accepted.



  1. Big BIG BIG hugs to you.

    To be honest, the rumblings of your eating disorder voice seem quite loud to me in this post. To be speaking about losing ANY weight (even under the guise of energy, metabolism and summer foods) while acknowledging you remain below your goal weight is concerning to me. Maybe I'm just projecting or being overly analytical but it worries me.

    You haven't come this far to go backwards, my friend. Please be kind to your beautiful self. <3

    1. That is an excellent point. Thank you so much! I feel a little more at ease now (a few days later) with where my weight is currently. It's not the end of the world and I'll be okay. The ED voices (and anxiety voices) have been very loud recently and maybe that's what you are hearing. I have noticed certain thought patterns creeping back as well, so thanks for the reminder of how important it is to be gentle with myself!! <3

  2. Weight gain is very triggering while we actually know that we are not fat. So many thoughts in mind start to take over life!!!! And feeling... I am so glad that you now have recovery voice telling you inside, and the voice can win over ED voice. Glad that you are aware of both voices, and listen to a healthy one :) It helps me too. Thank you, Kelsi <3

    1. You're welcome! And it's always nice to hear from you. :)

  3. I agree with first commenter. I read this blog post yesterday and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I have been a follower for awhile now. I have found hope, encouragement and strength here. I am in recovery myself and the only thing that works for me is not stepping on a scale. There isn't one in my house. It's just numbers. No fat shaming or diet talk. Numbers of any kind are never mentioned in my house. Reading this post was extremely triggering.
    I wish you luck and hope you continue to move forward.

  4. Hi there!

    Definitely feel for you and I can totally understand where your head's at right now. In a way, you're showing us that you're still human and not some superwoman (although you are one of my inspirations!) On the other hand, maybe you could try to stay away from mentioning numbers next time.

    Sending lots of love,


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