Among the hundreds of distorted thoughts that still linger in my brain, weight maintenance seems to be the most difficult to let go of. My biggest fear after leaving treatment was that I would continue to gain weight- because eating leads to weight gain, right?
Weekly weigh-ins and appointments with my therapist, plus a monthly check in with my doctor have held me accountable and kept me on track. My weight has remained a secret to me since my discharge date a few months ago. After getting weighed each week, the number on the scale is written down, placed in a sealed envelope, and I am trusted to deliver it to my therapist without peeking. I broke that trust today.
Over the past few weeks my weight has been bothering me; making me angry, even. My distorted brain has me believing that I gain a pound overnight, every night. I eat M&M's and borderline obsessive amounts of Nutella everyday. I haven't eaten a salad in at least seven months. I now eat meat on a daily basis again. I'm consuming sugar like a teenage kid. Sounds like a recipe for weight gain to me.
After adapting to all of these "unhealthy" eating habits, my weight hasn't changed. Unbelievable. I actually let out a tiny scream of excitement when I saw number inside the envelope. Maintenance is possible. Am I dreaming?
For months I have been told that when I reach my goal weight and am on maintenance calories, I can eat whatever I want (within my calorie limits) and my weight won't change. Until this morning, I didn't believe it was possible, but here I am. I'm not looking forward to telling my therapist that I peeked at my weight tomorrow, however, I'm glad I can put a positive spin on it.
I saw my weight today, proved to myself that maintenance is real, and didn't freak out when I saw that number. Who am I?
|My Nutella obsession will continue :)|