The strangest thing has been happening the past couple of days. No matter how much I eat throughout the day, I never seemed to fill up. On Wednesday, for example, I ate my lunch and afternoon snack before lunchtime. On one hand, it was a pleasant change because I always complain about constantly feeling full. At the same time, however, as much as I hate to admit it, I am still a little uneasy about going over my daily allotment.
Just this week my therapist officially gave me permission to stop meal planning and counting calories (wahoooo!!), even though technically I haven't really been counting calories for a good 6-8 weeks. My weight has been stable for a solid year now and my metabolism seems to be working properly again, but I still seem to struggle with hunger cues.
Okay, maybe not hunger cues themselves. I know when I'm hungry and when I'm not. Acting on those hunger cues, on the other hand, is the issue. A part of me still feels a sense of control and empowerment while I'm hungry, while another part of me is screaming feeeedd meeee. Sometimes in the middle of the night, for example, I wake up feeling ravenous, can't fall back asleep, and lay in bed contemplating whether or not I should get a snack.
I always find myself wondering if I am truly hungry. There are times when I have a difficult time understanding how I can be hungry an hour after eating lunch, get upset with myself, and find it impossible to focus on the task at hand. Do I eat? Do I wait it out until snack time? If I eat will I be upset with myself? And if I don't eat will I have the energy to make it to my next snack? What is this hunger about? Am I stressed? Tired? Or is this what hunger feels like?
Maybe this is a sign my hunger cues are back in full force. Maybe it's a sign I'm not eating enough. Maybe it's a sign I should start eating fewer calorie dense foods.
Maybe this is a sign my hunger cues are back in full force. Maybe it's a sign I'm not eating enough. Maybe it's a sign I should start eating fewer calorie dense foods.
Exhausting thought process, right? Welcome to my world.
After years of restricting, binging, and purging, I completely destroyed my metabolism. During the weight restoration process, my stomach had to be stretched out to normal size again. I had no idea what it meant to be hungry, even though I was literally starving. The hunger/fullness part of my brain had been turned off.
As I am letting go of the structure of my meal plan and learning to act on my hunger cues, I think it's important to cut myself a little slack. When I was younger, I remember having days like these where I was just hungrier than normal, so I ate more. Simple. It's time for me to stop associating hunger with a lack of control. I'm lucky (and *gasp* kind of excited) to have my hunger cues back, even though there is a little anxiety that comes along with it.
The best part of all, after a few days of what feels like non-stop eating, my weight seems to be exactly the same. If I have an extra snack or two because I am truly hungry, my body will take care of the rest. Maybe this is what trusting and listening to my body feels like - who am I?
Progress.
After years of restricting, binging, and purging, I completely destroyed my metabolism. During the weight restoration process, my stomach had to be stretched out to normal size again. I had no idea what it meant to be hungry, even though I was literally starving. The hunger/fullness part of my brain had been turned off.
As I am letting go of the structure of my meal plan and learning to act on my hunger cues, I think it's important to cut myself a little slack. When I was younger, I remember having days like these where I was just hungrier than normal, so I ate more. Simple. It's time for me to stop associating hunger with a lack of control. I'm lucky (and *gasp* kind of excited) to have my hunger cues back, even though there is a little anxiety that comes along with it.
The best part of all, after a few days of what feels like non-stop eating, my weight seems to be exactly the same. If I have an extra snack or two because I am truly hungry, my body will take care of the rest. Maybe this is what trusting and listening to my body feels like - who am I?
Progress.
First of all, congratulations on officially being off meal planning. Very exciting! I am also very happy you are getting your hunger cues back. I have not been following your blog for all that long in your recovery process, but even the few months I have been I see so much change. Very cool :)
ReplyDeleteIt can be very scary to feel more hungry than you are used to, however, it is completely normal and the awesome part about being off meal planning is that you can accommodate for hungry vs. not so hungry days. I think you should also be aware of your environment has changed drastically in the past few weeks. Going to school full time you are waking up earlier (probably), getting less sleep, and spending more energy than you realize both physically and mentally. You burn through your fuel faster when your brain is at work vs doing something passive like watching TV - even if you aren't "active" in the moment it really does drain your fuel stores. Feeding that hunger is the best thing you can do for your body and to keep your metabolism happy, and I think you can see that with your weight staying stable.
The associating hunger with a lack of control will be a hard one to stop as it is a part of your ED identity. I think with people with anorexia in particular, not only are hunger cues diminished but denying hunger, complaining about having to eat and feeling full etc. are commonly talked about even in the context of recovery. When you deny that this is true, it's one more piece of that ED identity gone...just a speculation though, I could be wrong.
Congrats again, again, it is very exciting reading your blog and watching you continue to grow in your recovery :)
Thanks, Lindsay! Always nice to hear from you. :)
DeleteIt is exciting, but it also feels like SO MUCH change at once. But maybe that's a good thing? It's not like I will ever be 100% ready to make these changes. My activity level has definitely changed - thanks for pointing that out. It just seems silly to think of everyday things, like going to school, as "activities." I don't ever consider mental and emotional changes to be calorie burners, but I suppose they are! Lots of change happening in my thoughts right now. Thanks again for your support!
Thank you for this post it sometimes scares me that you post exactly about the topics i am thinking about in the right moment :D that happens so often :D I am so happy i stopped calories counting about a month ago (or at least most of the time) its so amazing to be able to have unknown calorie foods without feeling anxious or having to count in my head all day. I love this because it allows me to eat what i truly want because i know i will be hungry again when my body used the energy and i dont have to worry all day about the calories in my mothers yummy fresh apple pie :) I´m still unsure about it and wonder if i´m hungry "enough" but i trust my body so much more now. i wish you the best luck with it its so freeing and i can focus on more important much better now :)
ReplyDeleteHaha well I'm glad to hear we are going through similar things together! It is nice to eat without knowing the exact number of calories and then trust that my body will let me know when it's time to eat again. I never really thought of it that way. And we had homemade apple pie around the house this week, too! We really do think alike. :)
DeleteYES :D thank you for making me feel less alone trough your blog. You create such great motivation and hope and seeing your bright smile on the side makes my day a little bit better every time :)
DeleteYou are so sweet, Manyara! I'm glad we are in this together. <3
DeleteI was just about to say most of what Lindsay did, so I'm glad I read her comment first!!
ReplyDeleteI think it's definitely adapting to going back to school. It's why, when we were at very low weights, we weren't able to concentrate AT ALL -- our bodies were using every bit of energy they could just to keep our hearts beating and our lungs breathing. Now that those bases are fully taken care of, we have expendable energy for thinking (and everything else in our busy daily lives!) so we do, but we forget that we need to compensate for it. It's the little things like that which "normal" people never think twice about because it comes to them naturally, but that we have to constantly remember and remind ourselves of!
Congrats on stepping away from the structured meal plan!! As long as you follow your hunger cues, I think that you'll find that they keep getting stronger while you become more in tune with them. It's like a great friendship. You can get along, but the more time you spend together -- learning and understanding one another's needs and ways of going about things -- the stronger your relationship will be. Hunger = friend, not foe. I think that's the biggest thing that I've learned while stepping into a more intuitive style of eating. Hunger isn't something to be exploited/ignored for our ED's gain, but instead embraced as a great message. What would have happened if Joan of Arc, delivering her message, had been ignored? Bad things! Listen and learn to love!!
Sending the biggest hug. Congrats, lady!! xo
I like the idea of a "great friendship." Like so many other things in recovery, this a period of adjustment and with time it'll become second nature. Hunger is my friend. If I choose to listen to those hunger cues, they will keep me healthy. Definitely something a good friend would do. <3
DeleteReally amazing to hear your recovery process. Just a huge admiration! <3
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Kyoko! xo <3
DeleteI'm recently starting recovery again for the second time. I've hit that "constant hunger" point. What would you tell me to do? Acknowledge it, right? So what makes you any different? I don't mean this in a snarky way, but more in an eye opening way. Sometimes it's difficult to see what really needs to be done when we think of ourselves differently than others, when really we're no more or less special. If you feel hungry, eat. Simple as that! Who knows, you could be a bit hungrier lately because your body is fighting off some sickness that hasn't shown symptoms yet. Maybe some particular part of school has caused a bit more stress, and your body needs the energy to deal with that. Maybe it's just doing some random thing. The point is, your body is smarter than you, and it knows what to do. The difficult part is just trusting it. *Hugs* =)
ReplyDeleteI didn't take that as snarky at all. Actually, it was exactly what I needed to hear. If you are hungry, eat. My body is trying to tell me something and I need to listen to it. Thank you! Best of luck with your recovery! :)
DeleteYou've gotten many wise comments above, so I will say that I agree! Mental stress can definitely increase our appetite--the brain needs energy, after all, to do its best!
ReplyDeleteMy family and I tend to have confusing hunger cues sometimes, with rather disastrous results for our moods! When I think of my body telling me I'm hungry, I think of tummy rumblings and maybe a headache. Instead, as my body has progressed through young adulthood into my 30's, I instead have confusion, irritability, and even nausea. I listen, though, even if my mind tells me, "you just had lunch, how could you be hungry?". I look at my kids and see their growing bodies and busy, busy minds, and I understand how appetites and nutritional needs can fluctuate from day to day.
I think it is great progress indeed for you to re-learn the rhythms and signals of your body, and to fulfill those needs! Keep going!
Re-learning these rhythms is a longer process than I was expecting. And like you said, it is okay to have fluctuating hunger throughout the day. Somehow eating has become a "bad" thing and it really shouldn't be. Ever. <3
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