"When someone tells you, “I love you,” and then you feel,
“Oh, I must be worthy after all,” that’s an illusion. That’s not true.
Or someone says, “I hate you,” and you think,
“Oh, God, I knew it; I’m not very worthy,” that’s not true either.
Neither one of these thoughts hold any intrinsic reality. They are an overlay.
When someone says, “I love you,” he is telling you about himself, not you.
When someone says, “I hate you,” she is telling you about herself, not you.
World views are self views—literally."
Recently I've been speaking with one of my friends about relationships in recovery. Like this quote, in a sick way, many of us internalize the way others treat us and depending on their actions, we either feel validated or inadequate. Growing up I developed a belief that my worth was based on the reactions of others.
I think a huge part of my people pleasing tendencies, is my unfortunate need to hang on to people that don't treat me with the respect I deserve. It's almost as if I need to "win" them over or else I'm failing. Another aspect of most toxic relationships is loneliness. Again, in recovery this can be a huge issue. I mean, who doesn't want a shoulder to lean on? And if he/she thinks I'm good enough then it must be true, right?
When relationships don't work out, some of us automatically think it's our fault. And the craziest thing of all, we (or maybe it's just me) cling onto those relationships even if they have negative repercussions. There's always a glimmer of hope that the person will change and "see the light," but they never do.
Sometimes letting go of relationships can be scary because it feels like my life will fall apart if I do; and the truth is, it might for a short period of time. I might need to spend a few nights crying, punching things, or writing angry letters, but that also allows for a new start and a fresh perspective. Believe it or not, I can develop a bit of a temper in these situations, but I'm learning that is okay, too. Sometimes releasing that anger is the only way to deal with it.
And this isn't necessarily about giving up or weakness. In fact, I think moving away from toxic relationships shows an incredible amount of strength. More often than not we give people one too many chances to show us they care. If people want us in their lives they will make room for us, no matter what.
Life has a much bigger plan for me.
Health and happiness are part of that plan.
Stability and affection are part of that plan.
Kindness and an open heart are part of that plan.
Constant struggle is not.
If my well being is at risk then it's time to reconsider certain relationships in my life. After all, the way people feel about me has nothing to do with my worth, right? The only person who determines my worthiness is me.